Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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rw18 12/13/2013

Because I work on a locum basis I've not had much work the past few week's as most places don't let their pharmacists have holiday's in December so I've basically been in just for my regular monday and the occasional half day on a Saturday for the past 3/4 weeks. When I'm off I end up just wandering round the shops or running errands for people but the one thing I feel I have to do each day is visit Matts grave. I start getting all twitched if I don't. I've been everyday for the past 3 weeks other than on Mondays. I went tp visit my great auntie today then took my nan and auntie to the supermarket. I got in around 3.30 and was feeling a bit funny as I hadn't eaten all day so I made something to eat and was planning on going the cemetery. By time I'd eaten and sat down for bit I looked out and it was starting to go dark so I though I'd leave going today but now I feel really guilty and kind of on edge coz I've not been. I went yesterday but I couldn't stay long as I had to pick my nan up so I feel like I didn't really visit yesterday as i just watered my flowers and got off. I know I don't have to go his grave to talk to him, I talk to him all the time but I just feel a bit of comfort after I've been there so when I don't go I feel all weird and edge. Is it normal to feel like this or am I just going mad? I still feel strange I've not been but I don't fancy going in the dark.

Also a separate rant, I went to see him last Saturday and this family turned up. Two young lads and a girl about my age and two young boys. They were a good 200m away from me and I could hear every word of their conversation of which every other word seemed to be F**k, s**t, t**t etc. The two children were running wild and one of the men was screaming at them telling them to stop and calling them every name under the sun. They then made them stand by nanny's grave and we're shouting at them to stay still so they could take a photo! Is it just me or does anyone else think that's totally disrespectful and inappropriate behaviour in a cemetery? I was so angry and really wanted to scream at them to have some respect. I'm still really annoyed by it now.Anyway sorry for ranting but I've needed to get that one off my chest for a while now

BrokenGeo 12/13/2013

RW, Don't feel bad about missing a day at the cemetery, as time goes by you will become more comfortable with going as often as you please. I' m just over six months and I go twice a week, sometime during the week or anytime I'm in town and on Sundays after church. If your talking to him all the time anyway, then you apparently are convinced that he's with you so take comfort in that.
As for the foul language etc. that's not exceptable anywhere in public but especially in a cemetery.

Best Regards, George

tothemoonalice 12/13/2013

Hi, there. If you're not normal, then I'm not normal either. I don't go to my husband's grave every day, but I pass the cemetery every time I drive to my office, and to go other places as well. I often drive in and walk to his grave, if only for a couple of minutes, then continue on my way. Sometimes, I just stop and tell him hi from the car. If I don't do these things, I at least tell him hello, aloud, from my car as I drive by the cemetery. It gives me comfort to do this, and sometimes, if I happen to be daydreaming and don't realize I'm driving by, I feel bad that I didn't speak to my husband as I passed.

Along the same lines, I wear his wedding band on a chain every day, but take it off at night. Yesterday, for the first time since he died, I forgot to put it on, and I felt very strange after I left home without it. I think these rituals that we create for ourselves give us a sense of control or peace (or something else I cannot name) that we really need right now.

Alice

sandeestttn 12/13/2013

At the beginning I went everyday. But I slacked off little by little. Now I go bot once a month. My children, grandchildren haven't been at all. It is so sad. But, it is just a empty body there. He is not there. s soul has gone on.

It seems like those people should have handled their children better. I hate all that swearing people live by now. It seems it every other word anymore. I hate it.

michaelbmanning 12/13/2013

There is nothing wrong with going to the cemetery every day, twice a day, whatever makes you feel good. As for the behavior at the cemetery, I didn't know there was a behavior code. I have kids and they run around there. As long as they do not damage anything I see no need to make them sit on the ground in a row. One day in the summer I went by the cemetery. I had my supply from McDonalds with me an proceeded to sit with my husband and have my lunch. Soon I felt a tap on my shoulder and this older lady told me I was out of line. I guess some people do not think one can have a joyous visit there.

Maggie

rw18 12/13/2013

Thank you all for the replies, I don't know what it is but I just do feel comfort there and it give me something to do. I can't wait until tomorrow to be able to go back. Like you Alice, some days I'll just go say hello and then go but I feel better knowing I have been.

Maggie, I'm not saying there is a behaviour code but I think yous should show respect while you're there. Its not the fact the children were running round, they were running wild and completely out of control, also their parents were screaming at them calling them horrible names no child should be called and they were also climbing on other peoples graves and even knocked someones vase of flowers over. I'm sure your own children are a lot more well behaved than that. I also don't think the disgusting language they were using should be said anywhere let alone shouted across the cemetery. I often go and sit and have my lunch up there and see no problem in that, I've even had McDonalds myself when I've been so I think the old lady who tapped you on the shoulder was out of line. I'm not saying the cemetery should be a place of silence and sorrow but I think they're are certain ways you should act there and swearing and shouting and letting children climb on other graves and knock pots over in my opinion is not a way to act anywhere, let alone there.

jblail 12/13/2013

I too go at least twice a week to visit as you say she is not here but it is a quiet place and I usually tell her about my day or what is going on. It gives me time to think and comfort.
As far as the other visitors I agree with you there are some places yet that deserve respect and the cemetery is one of them. Like you I would have been pretty upset with all that, It is a resting place not a playground. Seems as though respect is not something that is understood much these days.
Best to you,
Jeff

deleted_user 12/13/2013

I do not think that visiting your husband's is abnormal. I think that everyone is just different. I cannot visit my husbands because the cemetery is hour from where I live. I do try to visit at least once a month. This does not bother me because he is not there. I have a picture in bedroom. Behind the picture I have place the death notice, a maple leaf player card (given to him from the guys were he worked), a poem that this family wrote, A letter that I wrote him when he died, the announcement card and a golf tee from his best friend. When I want to talk to him I go to the picture.
I think that children are children. They are expected to run and have fun. As long as they are respectful of the graves, people visiting and the cemetery. When my brothers, younger sister and I were young children we would go to the cemetery were my older sister is buried. My parents would bring cake on her birthday, and we would run around and play. My parent's rules were to stay way from other families that were visiting, no walking or running on graves (very disrespectful according to my parents) and watch how we talked.
I am glad that my parents gave the me chose of visiting my sisters grave.

rw18 12/13/2013

I always used to visit my Grandads grave as a child too, our rules were pretty much the same, no running on other peoples graves, climbing on their headstones or shouting but we were free to wander round and have fun, we used to call it 'Gangs garden' and I loved going. We usually went every sunday. I have no issue with children having fun there, its better they see it as a nice place to go to remember loved ones not somewhere they're scared to move or talk. I have been at times and seen children playing and having fun and it doesn't bother me at all, in fact it make me smile. Its the way the children I seen were out of control that got to me, they knocked someones vase knocking the flowers all over the place, they were climbing across the gravestones and if anything it was more their parents that upset me more, calling them abusive names and shouting it all over the place.

jewells1 12/13/2013

Bad language anywhere in public is bad manners. The children learn from the examples they see. So occasionally this will happen. I find sugar coated sarcasm an easy way out. 'Oh my lord they have so much energy, can you bottle some for me?" or engage children to help correct the mishap infront of the parents. Because to be honest they themselves never learned, so how could they teach? If this is a well visited place, put some tootsie rolls in your pocket for the kids, it's real hard to talk with the taffy like texture of a tootsie roll.

Rainycreek 12/14/2013

When I was 21 I was a single mother, and my dad passed away at age 39. I used to go visit him at the cemetery all the time. At Easter I took a basket of eggs my daughter and I had coloured, one time I out lined his grave with huge pinecones we collected in the cemetery, once I put lilac branches all over it, and then lastly I collected some pretty rocks on the side of the road in a little water fall once and put those on the grave because of course his plot was dirt still, the rest is grass. People would often comment on how nice it looked. Then came the day we went to visit him and an employee from the cemetery came over and started yelling at me about the things I put there because it interfered with their mowing. I felt so ashamed, I had no idea I was doing anything wrong, I was young, I didn't have money, I was just trying to make his dirt plot look nice. After that I wished so much I could afford one of those full grave sized markers so they would have to mow around it forever. I have always been spiteful and childish like that. Sorry, I guess this has nothing to do with your story, you just reminded me of my unpleasant cemetery experience.

karatxmo 12/14/2013

Things will come up and you wont always be able to make it...don't feel bad. even if you aren't there he is still in your thoughts. my husband is an hour and a half away at a beautiful military cemetery. I have only been able to go 2x in 4 mos. I have two little kids and the road trip is not awesome. last time as soon as we got there they both were crying and ready to go home. and the baby was hungry. so I could only drop off flowers and change diapers and head home. but I set aside certain days to go...his bday, veterans day, our anniversary.

asarivg12 12/14/2013

Well, there are a lot of different ways to deal with the cemetery. I believe that its important to show respect for those who have died, and there may be some comfort in knowing where the remains of your loved ones are.

When our daughter died 17 years ago, I used to go about once per month, but it only saddened me ( my wife never went to her grave after the burial ). I felt closer to her at my home ( I still live there, and have for 30'years ). After that first year I only went on her birthday ( May 31 ) to put some helium balloons on her grave.

When my wife was in hospice in May this year, I was able to purchase the plot next to our daughter ( still available after 17 years ) and it gave my wife some relief that I had secured that. She was buried next to Michelle on May 30 this year. A lot of people attending the funeral had never seen Michelle's grave until that day.

The thing is, they are not there, it's just some molecules of matter that they used while they were alive. I do not feel close to them at all when I went there.

So, all of us are different. To me, their spirit, the important part, is somewhere far more glorious. No lawn-mowing cemetery workers or anyone else is going to disturb them where they are.

Just my take on cemeteries...

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