Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Ok, so a couple of friends of mine invited me to go see some friends of ours that play in a band. It was the two of them and a lady friend of theirs. She is attractive and had lost her husband to cancer 6 years ago as well as a sister to cancer during that time. We obviously had a lot in common and hit it off very well.
We agreed to talk during the week and we decided to go to dinner and take in a movie the following weekend. Downtown Denver was packed with the "Zombie Crawl" so we had a hard time getting seated at a restaurant and when we got to the movies they were all sold out except for much later times.
We decided to go back to my place and have a few drinks and watch a pay per view movie. Things got a little intimate, nothing heavy but nice at the time and she left about 10:30.
The next day I had such incredible guilt and felt like I had cheated on my wife. She called the next day and I told her my feelings. She totally understood as she had the same guilty feelings 3 years after her husband had passed.
It is so good to talk to and relate to someone face to face who understands what I am going through. This lady is super cool and understands that I am not ready to jump into a relationship although I would love to have her as a friend and confidant.The problem is we are very attracted to each other but I do not want to give her the wrong impression or seem like I am leading her on and it has only been 8 months since my wife passed. She stated we always could be "friends with benefits" but I am not sure I want to go down that path although it's an intriguing proposition. I would certainly not want any hurt feelings out of this and I am so conflicted. What to do? ~Pete
We agreed to talk during the week and we decided to go to dinner and take in a movie the following weekend. Downtown Denver was packed with the "Zombie Crawl" so we had a hard time getting seated at a restaurant and when we got to the movies they were all sold out except for much later times.
We decided to go back to my place and have a few drinks and watch a pay per view movie. Things got a little intimate, nothing heavy but nice at the time and she left about 10:30.
The next day I had such incredible guilt and felt like I had cheated on my wife. She called the next day and I told her my feelings. She totally understood as she had the same guilty feelings 3 years after her husband had passed.
It is so good to talk to and relate to someone face to face who understands what I am going through. This lady is super cool and understands that I am not ready to jump into a relationship although I would love to have her as a friend and confidant.The problem is we are very attracted to each other but I do not want to give her the wrong impression or seem like I am leading her on and it has only been 8 months since my wife passed. She stated we always could be "friends with benefits" but I am not sure I want to go down that path although it's an intriguing proposition. I would certainly not want any hurt feelings out of this and I am so conflicted. What to do? ~Pete
I look forward to the replys to come offering some advice.
Hugs
Darcie
First, try to let go of the guilt. Believe me when I say I totally understand where you are coming from. I met my current boyfriend (2.5 years now) while we were both in grief counseling. He lost his wife November 2010, I lost my husband January 2011. We were friends for a good year and a half before we started dating in January 2013. We struggled with being attracted to each other but not willing or wanting to date because we were still grieving. Realizing we needed to just be friends that what we were. Sometimes when we went out in a group in those early days we would just end up being together just talking for hours but we both pulled back if things got too far down the road. We both acknowledged that we just weren't ready. Sometimes we got accused of flirting, which was probably true, but we tread very cautiously into a new relationship because neither of us wanted to lose a very important friendship. Listen to your gut and play it by ear. If your gut says friend zone, friends zone it is. I am not sure that Pat and I would be in a long term relationship if we had done friends with benefits earlier on. Our bodies were there, but our heads and hearts most definitely were not. Proceed at a pace you are comfortable with and don't push ahead of your heart.
Hope this helps a little.
Hugs,
Val
I really like what letmehelpyou (Val) shared- the fine voice of experience.
Eight months isnt very long. Thats where I am, and I dont trust myself to make good decisions yet. They say to wait a year.
Id listen to Val!
I think, as guys, the rest of the world expects us to move forward quicker than women, a week after my wife passed someone said "now you can have sex with whoever you want". This was one of many stupid things people have said about my situation, I've even been told by people that they are jealous of me, what little do they know.
My present wife lost her husband 8 years ago. After things started to get serious I came up with my life boat analogy. I pictured us both as survivors of a shipwreck. Together in a life boat, supporting each other, living our lives, but not feeling guilty if either one of us still wished the ship never sank.
As some others have expressed, I do not think I will ever stop grieving completely, but it is possible to grieve, still love another, and live a close to normal life at the same time after enough time has passed.
While I haven't dated since my husband died I do understand your feelings. Just noticing a co worker's looks made me feel as though I was disrespecting my marriage and commitments.
Its nice that you have found someone that understands and you can relate to face to face. We are human and we are still here. We have feelings and needs both intimate and otherwise. Ask yourself.... if you had been the one to die would you want your wife to find happiness again?
This could be a lot of things so let it play out. be honest and enjoy the company.
hugs
Lisa