Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

0 Online

jrp32079 04/23/2013

My wife passed away just under two weeks ago. She was a month shy of her 34th birthday. And we have a daughter that just turned 3 back in March. How the hell do I move on from this? A brief history...we've been together since we were 18 when we went to our senior prom together. I essentially don't know life without her. She survived cancer as a child but the radiation did a lot of damage to her heart, lungs and chest. Back in mid-October she had heart valve replacement surgery. The surgery was expected but it had to happen sooner than we hoped. That went well and after a couple weeks in the hospital she was home. After a few weeks she was experiencing what I would consider more annoyance than side affect. Fluid was accumulating around her lungs. She had it drained a few times and was on her way. Finally they wanted to do something for her to stop that. She was admitted to the hospital the second weekend of December. The following weekend everything came crashing down. She coded. They revived her after almost 10 minutes of CPR but it was very much touch and go for 24 hours or so. Miraculously she pulled through and started getting better and moving forward. She was in the ICU for 2 months and then moved to a different unit for another month. She continued to improve and everyone was expecting a full recovery, albeit a long road. She moved to rehab in mid-March but a few days later had to go back to the hospital due to an infection. After a couple weeks that was cleared up and she was off to rehab again. However, only two days later, and for reasons unknown, she developed a brain hemorrhage and because of the blood thinners she was on there was nothing that could be done by the time it was discovered to provide her with any type of quality life. On April 11th I had to make a decision that I wish upon no one and it was the worst day of my life. I'm now left alone to raise our daughter and try to honestly but reassuringly answer her questions about Mommy. There is so much going through my mind. I'm very fortunate to have an extremely large support system but things will never be the same. There is so much that we were going to do together as a family that we will never do again. Our daughter will never see her Mommy again. I honestly don't see how this will ever get better. I can't imagine certain things ever being fun again. And it feels even harder because she hasn't been home since early December. And most of that time she had a trachea tube in so we rarely got to speak. I was with her every day and we communicated through writing and whatnot but it wasn't the same. I didn't get to have a true conversation with her for almost 5 months. I didn't get to hold her for almost 5 months. And now I'll never get to do that again, which is made harder because she was on a recovery path that was going to bring her home. I can't hear her voice right now. I can't picture her outside of the hospital right now. It's so hard, especially since there are 15 years of memories preceding these 5 months.

Any words of advice out there? Will this eve get easier? I have to move on for my daughter but will it ever feel right? I can't imagine how right now.

mel40 04/23/2013

I am sorry that you are going through this. I lost my husband 4 weeks ago. I don't know if it ever gets better. Take it one day at a time. Breathe. I am like you and have a daughter that requires I move on.. Most times, I think it's a blessing. Other times, I don't know what to do. Every new day is a new day. Take it as it comes. But, be there for your daughter. And take care of yourself. ( I have smothered my daughter trying to be there for her and found that we also need a break from each other. She is 14)
My husband and I were also high school sweethearts. It's not supposed to be this way. I'm 40 and we were deeply in love. That will never change.
This forum has been a safe haven for me. With other issues like in laws as well. This isn't going to be easy and I don't think it will ever get better, but we will learn how to live with it.
I hope you have some peace. Not everyone gets to experience love like we did. We were blessed and your relationship with your wife isn't over, just different. That's what I have found.
One day at a time. Take care of you and them take care of your daughter. ( I don't know how I made it through a month, but one day I woke up and a month had passed). God bless you.

deleted_user 04/23/2013

I am so sorry for your loss. I am at 6 months now, I don't know if it gets better, but it does get different. There is no reason why you got 15 years with your love, I got 35 and others get a few months. It just is and it just sucks. I do know that six months out is very different then two weeks. Hold on, you can do it.

kynessie 04/23/2013

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm at 27 months and I have gotten to the point that my loss is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up. I still cry and think of Brian often but for me, the pain has eased. I can say that I'm content in my life at this point though I do miss him a lot. Brian and I were high school sweethearts and I had never lived alone until he passed away.

We did not have children, but I do have a dog and a cat which give me some company. I say that I'm alone, but I am not lonely. Take good care of your child and yourself. Grief is a very personal thing and for me it took time, energy, and patience with myself.

Nessie from KY

deleted_user 04/23/2013

My God that is terrible.
I'd say I know how you feel, but I won't diminish your loss.

All I can tell you is it will be very dark for awhile. A long while.
Concentrate on your daughter. That will help you not to dwell.
Anything you can do to occupy your mind will help.

You will eventually lose some pain. It'll take time, but it'll happen.

I pray that God will gentle your way through this.

I'm only 7 weeks apart from my wife. It's dark.
I try to stay busy. It helps.

Hang in there. We are all here for you.

jrp32079 04/23/2013

Thanks all for the replies. These are helpful and reassuring. My daughter is definitely keeping me from stopping and dwelling on things. I know she needs me now more than ever. Or vice versa. On top of all this my father-in-law passed away suddenly the week before my wife. And she wasn't even able to go to the services for her own father. All in all 2013 has been very forgetable to this point.

avm99 04/23/2013

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to cancer 15 months ago, my three girls were 9, 4, 2 at the time. It's not easy. I'm finding some joy in seeing parts of my husband in each of my daughters, which makes it somewhat comforting. Somehow I find the strenght each day to carry on for the girls. Take good care of yourself and somehow things will work themselves out. It's great that you have come here to talk and meet others with similar experiences.

deleted_user 04/23/2013

I am so very sorry for your loss. You have gone through such a long road of heartache even before you lost your wife. It is hard to imagine that it will ever get better. I lost my husband 11 weeks ago and it has not eased even a bit yet. But the people here who have been on this road longer do tell us that it does get easier to bear [at different points for different people] and I am holding on to that hope. My heart really goes out to you. This site has been such a help for me. I hope it also helps you. You are among friends. -Deb

Shrn 04/23/2013

Oh, I am so sorry for your tragic loss. My heart breaks for you and your daughter, but you can survive. At times, you will feel like you can't, but those are the times you can come here and be understood.

I am one of those people who have been widowed longer. It will be six years in June. I also was married to my high school sweetheart and left my parents home for our marriage. It was hard, very hard, I won't lie to you. I will say I have learned to be more capable than I ever thought I could be. I have found the memories that reduced me to tears now make me smile. Looking at your daughter will eventually make you smile as you tell her how much she is like her mom and how proud mom is of her. Keep that love alive for her as she grows.

A couple hints to try are journaling. Write down your feelings and explore the emotions you are going through. Naming the feelings helps to bring tears, but also helps understanding. My journal went from feelings to letters to my husband and to God. Word them as it feels to you.
Also, I received a lot of support from the people here. Their encouragement and sharing were my lifeline and hope to keep me going.
Hospice and some other churches have bereavement groups. They are open to all who are suffering loss and are very beneficial. I gained a lot talking with them both one on one and in groups. If you have someone to stay with your daughter I would take advantage of these meetings. Time for you is very important.
I am one of the Community Leaders here, hence the blue box by my name. That just means as well as being your friend I am a contact person for any concerns you have. Feel free to contact me or Martha (cliffskat) or Marsha (marjoe) who also are here for you.

I do welcome you here with us, but with sadness for your loss. Sharon

deleted_user 04/23/2013

The decision you had to make on April 11th I had to make back in June of 2011. I am so sorry for your loss. You were blessed with a little girl and you need to be strong for her.

You asked does it get easier....It just changes and one day in the future you will have better days. Eventually you will remember HER and who she was and all the wonderful memories you made together. In the beginning I could only picture my husband in the hospital, so sick from cancer.

I wish you comfort and gentle days as you go through the healing process. We are all here for you.
Hugs, Laurie

deleted_user 04/23/2013

take care of yourself by eating, sleeping. this is the hardest thing for me.you need to for your daughter - stay strong, it takes time ,things seem to fall into place.
for me - things are easier than early on (4 months) everyday is also a struggle - 1 day at a time ....
so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.
hugs and love to you and your daughter

Jeff-Bolen 04/24/2013

I am so very sorry for your loss and that you had to make the dreaded decision that I too had to make 7 months ago. It was the worst day of my life. It has become a little better since then but I still cry most every day. You have a blessing in your daughter and also the fact she is old enough to remember her mother. My son had a baby and my wife got to celebrate his first birthday before she got sick, but he isn't old enough that he will remember her after a couple more years. My profile is open, please feel free to go there. All here are great people and they have helped me a lot. Remember to take care of yourself, your beloved wife would want that.

God Bless

deleted_user 04/24/2013

Yes, I promise it will get better. Right now there is no way to get around the pain and suffering except putting one foot in front of the other. The first year is a fog of confusion and pain but you will get through it. It is very important to be kind to yourself, eat as well as your can, take vitamins and come to this site every day and share your feelings. I know that I felt I had been ripped from my other half and was the walking wounded. It WILL get better, but not yet. You will never forget her but the pain will ease.

kelleysgirl 04/24/2013

I am so sorry for your loss, it is devastating at times isn't it? Especially right now when it is all so new; and it isn't something you would have asked for in your wildest dreams. Yet here we are. Traveling a path none of us wanted to be on. Yes, it does get better. In time. Be patient with your self and your daughter, be kind and gentle with each other too. One day at a time, one step at a time. That is enough for right now. Come here to this sight as often as you need to, we will walk with you and in sharing our experiences, will hopefully be able to help you find peace and understanding. Wishing you every good and wonderful blessing always. Sharon k.

NewRoadsForMe 04/24/2013

Reading your story almost made me cry for YOU. I can so relate to the nightmare of all the medical crises you went through. I went through 2 years of in/out of the hospital, in/out of ICU repeatedly always brought on by a crisis. In my husband's case, he could not breathe and had to be brought back by extreme measures. He endured 2 failed surgeries, chest tubes, chemo and radiation. Just when we thought he was going to conquer cancer, we got the worst news of all, that the tumor had grown back and was larger than before. We had Hospice for several months as he went downhill. The last few days of his life I was having to give him morphine by mouth every hour. I was alone in the house, so got no sleep. It was the worst time of my life. I prayed he would go gently, as I know you prayed for your wife.

We didn't get to hold them, or talk to them for so long and just when we thought the nightmare would end, it started again, ending in the final worst thing we could imagine for our beloveds. My heart goes out to you. In time your daughters will fill you with thankfulness that you have them. Right now you're probably overwhelmed thinking about the future. My advice is to try to stop yourself from thinking way into the future. I did that more than I could imagine I would. It is defeating to think about your whole future now because no one can live their lives and solve all their problems overnight. Try to let one day be your focus. Vow to live through this one day. And the next day, try that again.

I know you feel like your heart has been ripped out of your body. I do, too. But you asked for advice and asked if it would ever get easier to deal with. My advice is to do whatever makes YOU comfortable. Ignore advice from people who have not lived through this event in their lives. I am at 3 years and have a "life". It's not anything like the one that was forcefully jerked from me, but it has many good elements in it. I got involved in a new church and am active. I spend a lot of time with my 6 yr old grandson who makes me laugh all the time. I got 2 dogs. I wanted to see what my "new" life would be right at the time of my loss. it was not possible to see it because it has developed slowly, very slowly over time. I even went on a 10-day tour of fall leaves in New England without any friend or relative. Everyone else on the tour (about 30) had someone but me. I survived it even though it wasn't the trip I had wanted with my husband so very much. You will survive, but it takes time. Right now I would say just focus on the girls to make sure they feel stability with you. When you can, begin to include other people in your life as well. I send you my very best wishes! This group is superb at supporting and caring for those who suffer as we have.

Syphrett 04/24/2013

I just want to wish you luck. Its such a sad story make me realize how Blessed I am. Hopefully you live near family that can help. It will get better but it takes a long time.

Join the Conversation