I do understand exacty what you are going through. This is agony. Lost my husband April 23rd and nothing feels right. Can't give you much advice since I am still so new to this, but I am here to listen and remind you that you are not alone. I am so glad I found this support group. Everyone here has been so compassionate. Here's a super big hug for you! Hang in there. Michele

Thanks Michele. I am also thankful for this group.

I lost my wife about 4 months ago. I still feel profound sadness and pain. But I can function. My day now is significantly better than 4 months ago in terms of my functionality (shopping, talking to people, walking outside etc.). Yes, I still cannot concentrate for long, but it is slowly coming back. Everyone responds to loss differently, depending on the relationship with the loved one, your coping attitudes and tools, and many other factors. You and your mom may be very different in these factors. So don't lose hope but also don't rush. May you have peace soon. Hugs, Tiger

I know how you feel...the hopelessness...our marriage was far from perfect...but we loved each other, and for the most part, we were happy. It's like our lives are shattered in an instant. I am able to get errands done, but I find it hard to get motivated. I work from home, but can't concentrate for that long...the only thing that really keeps me going is my son...if not for him, I would have followed my husband. Today marks 13 weeks. Take care, and I hope for better times...for all of us.

I am sorry you are having a rough week, the early days are especially tough and you are still in the early days. You are strong enough to get through this and you will find that his strength will become yours in time.

Now for a little tough love. Whether you choose to climb out of the grief pit and back into life is your choice. Your mother may be climbing out very slowly or she might have decided to stay there. I am not familiar with her situation. You do not have to live there the rest of your life. I am four years in and although I will always miss and love J.R., I am happy and content in my new life. It took a lot of work and a lot of time to build it, it did not happen overnight and I spent a lot of time climbing back into the light. But I did and you will too, one baby step, one minute at a time. Be kind and gentle with yourself take things one step at a time.
Hugs,
Val

I understand what you mean about the people expecting you and your Mom to now have a special bond. My mother and I are very close and my Dad passed about 1.5 years ago now. My husband passed on March 22nd of this year. Even at the wake people were asking if my mother and i would move in together. I know they meant well but was surprised how many people would ask that question and I know some people asked my mother as well. I live over an hour away from my mother so even if I was to consider it, it would be a major upheaval and in her mid-eighties she certainly is not going to uproot herself. After, my Dad died my husband i told her if she needed us to move in we would, she did not. Honestly it would have made life easier for us rather than all the traveling back and forth on the weekends, but I wouldn't tell her that. I know as widows/widowers there are things that we share that others do not get-but that does mean that you are your Mom now have some special secret you are not sharing with the rest of the world. Yup this rots. I have roller coaster days for sure. No apologies needed, we have rough weeks - those days we would have needed our rocks. I don't like the feel of my new shaky foundation either.

My father passed away 3 years ago. My sister in law lost her husband two years ago. But that hasn't made me closer to either. My mother is ready to go join my father, and she's just waiting out life. My SIL's means of coping involved talking to spirit mediums, and I'm just not into that. My mother has always kept her feelings to herself. My SIL tried to force her feelings onto me. So, no special bond here either. At least no one has thought there should be.

The phrase that kept going through my head was "This wasn't supposed to happen!!!!" I told my kids that we'd have to come together and support each other. And so we have.

My mom and i do not have a widow bond. I love her but we lost my dad thirteen years ago. She was in her seventies i am 61. we had barely retired. My dad had been ill for two years, my husband less then two months. Everybody's widow story is different, my mom is so far ahead of me on this path i can barely see her. She says that i should get out more go to church or bingo. i will not do either. i will find my own way and so will you.We need to mourn our loss before we can go on. My life at almost 5 months is not quite as rocky as it was. i still feel anger sorrow and am lonely. How can i not be after 40 years with a wonderful mate. we will get on with life when we are ready, but until then keep posting. Hugs-Patti

So sorry for your loss. No two separate experiences are exactly the same. My mom grieved loss for 20 years, but she had a lot to overcome to begin with. She still was able to raise a family and do what had to be done. It need not cripple you, as long as you don't sink your heels in and refuse to go, life will keep moving you forward.