Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am trying desperately to be the bigger person... but I have nearly bitten my tongue off dealing with my in-laws. My husband had not spoken to one sister in nearly a dozen years, and the other is a half-sister that he has had very little contact with in the 23 years he and I were together. His parents divorced about 18 years ago and have called for money or to have my husband fix their vehicles, but only a few times in the past 10 years or so. It was always sad, and on so many occasions I had tried to get everyone together for dinners and events, but the tension between various members of the family ALWAYS led to fights. The last straw for my husband had been when he and I had hosted Christmas 12 years ago, and his half-sister verbally accosted his brother in front of everyone leading to a huge fight. I ended up crying in the bathroom trying to avoid the tension. My husband walked in and saw me in tears and that was it. He told them all to grow up and that it was the last family dinner he would allow me to host.
They are all "swooping in" on me now. Trying to tell me (and my kids) that I did not do what Shane had wanted in regards to his services. Despite the fact that he told me what he had wanted several years earlier. They want his things, they want money, they try to belittle me...
I have set up EVERYTHING in trust for our children... Shane talked to me often about his family (we were together for 23 years... we tended to talk to each other.. lol). I know what they are all about, and I am afraid that in my frustration I might lash out and say something I will regret.
Despite their estrangement, they lost their brother and son. I know they are hurting. But I lost my every day when I lost him. I am struggling to deal with that and the added strain of not trampling on their feelings (when they seem to care so little about mine) is just making it worse. I know they are dealing with issues of guilt, but it seems that they are trying to push that guilt on to me. I was here... I was with him. I love him. They treat me like I am some two-bit hussy that met and married him right before he died and took all of "his" stuff.
Does anyone know how I can diffuse this situation without adding to the pain we are all already going through. Shane was always the strong one... He took care of us all, but now I need to make sure that I stand up for myself and my children but I would truly prefer to do that in a diplomatic way that does not hurt them.
They are all "swooping in" on me now. Trying to tell me (and my kids) that I did not do what Shane had wanted in regards to his services. Despite the fact that he told me what he had wanted several years earlier. They want his things, they want money, they try to belittle me...
I have set up EVERYTHING in trust for our children... Shane talked to me often about his family (we were together for 23 years... we tended to talk to each other.. lol). I know what they are all about, and I am afraid that in my frustration I might lash out and say something I will regret.
Despite their estrangement, they lost their brother and son. I know they are hurting. But I lost my every day when I lost him. I am struggling to deal with that and the added strain of not trampling on their feelings (when they seem to care so little about mine) is just making it worse. I know they are dealing with issues of guilt, but it seems that they are trying to push that guilt on to me. I was here... I was with him. I love him. They treat me like I am some two-bit hussy that met and married him right before he died and took all of "his" stuff.
Does anyone know how I can diffuse this situation without adding to the pain we are all already going through. Shane was always the strong one... He took care of us all, but now I need to make sure that I stand up for myself and my children but I would truly prefer to do that in a diplomatic way that does not hurt them.
I'm also tempted to tell you to change your number, block theirs, and never speak to them again.
You need to adopt Shane's backbone as your own.
First - it's not "Shane's" stuff...it's your stuff, from the life of 23 years together. It goes to your children after... You are under NO obligation to give them anything. I'm glad you put things in trust to protect the kids.
Second, regarding his services - if they bring it up again, make it very clear that you two discussed things, he gave you specific instructions, and you followed his wishes. End of discussion.
Third - I suggest an advocate for you if you feel you are being bullied. Another family member, clergy, lawyer, anyone you feel you can trust, to be on your side, that would speak to them, and let it be known, in no uncertain terms, that they will not allow you to be bullied. This is what Shane used to do for you both. Does he have a good friend that you could count on?
Last - consult legal help to see what actions you can take, IF YOU HAVE TO. I'm not saying that you'll need them, but just knowing what your rights are can help empower you.
Good luck.
I may have to get more aggressive than I am used to... that was always Shane's role but I know he would be very angry at the things they are doing. I was trying to avoid making a painful situation worse, but I think the only way it can get better for the kids and me is if I get that backbone you mentioned. Thanks... I think I just needed to know that I was not being evil if I stood up for myself.
I honestly cannot think of anyway to do this that will not hurt them, as they appear to have the maturity level of three year olds and appear to be totally self centered. I know this sounds harsh, but these are not caring, concerned supportive family members. It concerns me that they want money, this is your life, your money, your children that you have to support. I suspect that they are attempting to use guilt to get their own way.
My advice is to distance yourself from the toxicity.
Hugs,
Val
I had to do this with certain people after my husband passed away. There are people who truly have a toxic effect on me, and after everything I'm going through I've learned to think of myself and protect myself (as my husband would have tried to protect me if he were still here).
Nothing to feel guilty about in my opinion. Especially since you know for a fact your husband didn't want you anywhere near them. And it's not that you don't wish them well, you just don't want to get hurt anymore, so blocking phone numbers and emails protects you from this kind of "poison" contact.
Here is the thing, the way I see it: The most precious things in the world to your husband were you and the kids. You need to take care of what was precious to Shane.
What was his, is now YOURS. If someone stopped your kids on the street and took things away from them, you would call the police, wouldn't you? So why would you put up with the harrassment from these people? Your husband didn't have a relationship with them for a reason - he was protecting what was precious to him - you and the kids. He knew his family better than anyone, and he didn't want to deal with them, and knew to protect you and the kids from them. That speaks volumes, I think.
Be clear and firm - you are doing and have done EXACTLY what your husband wanted. If they contact you again, give them your attorney's name and number and hang up.
People will swoop down on you like vultures, and try to take advantage of the state we're in. I think most of us have had some taste of that. I did. I gave away stuff that I should not have, and then found out generosity was all one-way with some folks - they were happy to take but not to give. In the end, I wound up paying to replace things, too, when I could not really afford it.
I wouldn't bother being diplomatic. You don't want these people in your children's lives. What will they learn from them? How to be callous and greedy?? Let them go.
Sorry if that sounds harsh - it's one of those things that ticks me off. It is cruel and unfair.
Love and Big Hugs,
Martha
If your in-laws continue to harass you (and there's no doubt about it, that's what it is), your lawyer can send them a brief note stating that they are not to contact you but can contact him if they have questions.
For your own sake, as well as that of your children, you must distance yourself from these people.
Most of Shane's friends that he had had for the past dozen years or less did not even know he had sisters, and were only aware of his brother. They assumed his parents had passed. Only a couple of his close friends that he had known since he was a child knew about their existence. Those of you who said that he knew what his family members are seem to be absolutely correct. I remember him telling me once that the only way he could tolerate them for more than a moment was if he was drunk.. lol.