I have those moments often. What if he was taken to the hospital early enough, he may have a chance to survive what made him die so quickly within hours when he was so healthy. People told me we can't change the course of the event. Now just focus on the good and happy times you have shared with your wife, that all we can do.

When I start to think like that I say out loud to myself "stop". I tell myself that it will not change the outcome and will only make me feel worse. I know that's not great advice but it has worked for me. Marilyn

In a grief recovery class we were advised to identify when we were playing this would have, could have and should have mind rollercoaster and make a conscious effort to surrender to the fact that we, humans, have limits of what we can do. I was advised to stop playing god, and having control over something I have no control over. I do not have any idea when my time ends either. It is not my calendar to decide. Surrender is a powerful state, because it allows acceptance to start and healing to follow.
Focusing on the blessings that you had and cherish memories, built something, make or plant in a memory of your loved one. I plant trees, roses, make my husbands favorite dishes and invite friends for dinner; it is all done in my husbands memory , and it helps.
I wish healing to your heart.
Peace

What if...... 1997 the drs found my husband had stage 4-4 bladder, prostate, uerthria, and partial kidney cancer, had 2 months to live, set home to die.. A Dr in Memphis called him, ask him to go see him, to see what he could do, and asked, what would you be loosing? Surgery was done, cancer removedd, no chemo, etc.
what if?.. I would be 15 years into my widowhood.

What if, 2 years ago had a AAA,blood clot kept him from bleeding out... he made it to Memphis, had surgery....
What if the bloodclot hadn't occured?...
I would have been 2 years into widowhood.....

What if, he hadn't been in the hospital in Memphis during his thoaric spinal stroke, and his surgeon hadn't been there to rush him into another emergency surgery, to save him?
I would have been 2 years into widowhood again....

Why is it, that they couldn't find anything wrong with him, kept him in the hospital, and he went into sudden cardiac arest?

I would be 3 months into widowhood, as I am.....

Lesson is, it was not his time to die, and he didn't....
When it was his time, there was nothing anyone could do to stop it, there was a higher power, that knew his time

.As the Bible says, There is a time to be born, and a time to die
A time to laugh and a time to cry. This was his time to die, and my time to cry.

I have played this game many times since Steve's death, even though I told myself over and over not to. What if he had never taken that one medication to regulate his heart rhythm--the one that ended up causing the peculiar pneumonia that destroyed his lungs and ultimately caused his death--what if they had not done the open biopsy and cut into the lung that was like tissue paper and then couldn't heal--what if they hadn't given him the massive dose of steroid that caused the fluid overload that his heart couldn't handle and brought on the pnemonia--so many many what if's. I kicked myself each time I played this game but couldn't help it either. I think it's normal because we are human--but futile because there is no answer. The bottom line is that there is no way to know what would or would not have happened if any one thing had been different. As much as we torture ourselves with the questions there just are no answers. I finally have gotten past the worst of the "what if's" and stop myself when I even start to ask myself those questions--now I just remind myself that we are all appointed a time to leave this world and his time was then. I don't know why and it makes no sense to me but it happened and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. Try to focus on the wonderful precious memories when the "what if's" start popping in your head. Remember the precious moments you had because they are real and will always be with you--and no "what if" can ever take them away.
Hugs
Wanda

i look at the what if - not so much during her sickness - but what if i would never have known her? I love and miss her so much. i hate what i am now going through - i wouldn't trade not being w her for anything, not even this ....

I fight woulda, coulda, shoulda's a lot. If my husband had gone in when he first noticed the pain, if they had not treated him with meds for an infection 5 times before they looked for something else, if he had not been under stress from DHS, that increased his dehydration over what his body could handle. For me situations where I have no control are a trigger. But, there is no way to undo that which is done. I know he would have had more months on any one of these points in time, but now is too late. It's a very hard acceptance of fact. It took me awhile not to be angry beyond control about it. I am still sad, but the part of the serenity prayer that says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" tells me I don't have a choice. "The courage to change those things that I can... and the wisdom to know the difference...well I work on those. I am still angry that he is gone and miss him so much more than words could ever express. So each day I try to make it through until the next. Some people journal, some people create, some destroy and others fall. So each day I work on the courage part.

I'm not sure what to say. I think it would have been worse if we had known because basically nothing could be done.

I do however sort of get those sci-fi films where someone goes back to change things and they still turn out bad. Not in some sort of "it's fate" type way but I just get the feeling that given alot of our partners health issues it was going to be inevitable anyway.

thats the butterfly effect

I do that every day, I'm trying to stop myself. I tell myself I can't change the past, I can't bring him back. I asked for forgiveness in case something I did or didn't do made things worse.
But reality is is that the cancer killed him and we did everything in our power to fight it. Roby suffered enough and fought hard enough, but in the end it was God's decision to take him home and relieve his pain.
It was three months on Sunday, I enjoyed the time I spent with my mother that day but the rest of the day was very hard.

dl.... my husband died on Feb 11th.... I agree, that was what made it bearable for me. God said... thats enough pain, I'm taking you home...