Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Yesterday I had cause to attend a social function at the church where Joe and I were active members for years. I saw people I had not seen in the 3 years since Joe died.
When they asked the usual,"How are you?" with a great big smile on their face, I started to say, "Fine!" but I knew that was a lie. I have found that most people who have not had a loss like ours have no idea how we are....even after years go by.
I decided to be honest instead of politically correct. I said, "I am.......OK. I can't say "fine" because I'm not, but I am making it. I think people need to know that we don't just bounce back and everything is hunky-dorey. I explained that I am leading a different life but it is filled with loneliness. I have family and friends but that is in no way a substitute for my husband's role in my life.
One person asked if I had been traveling. I said I went on one group trip alone and didn't think I'd do it again because it was so lonely. She said quickly, "Well, go with a friend next time!" Yeah, like friends are hanging on the clothesline and you just go grab one when you want to.
I know they mean well, but they need to hear the TRUTH about how we are doing. Not moping around for sympathy, but to know the TRUTH. You do not just forget and go be HAPPY w/o your best friend in life.
When they asked the usual,"How are you?" with a great big smile on their face, I started to say, "Fine!" but I knew that was a lie. I have found that most people who have not had a loss like ours have no idea how we are....even after years go by.
I decided to be honest instead of politically correct. I said, "I am.......OK. I can't say "fine" because I'm not, but I am making it. I think people need to know that we don't just bounce back and everything is hunky-dorey. I explained that I am leading a different life but it is filled with loneliness. I have family and friends but that is in no way a substitute for my husband's role in my life.
One person asked if I had been traveling. I said I went on one group trip alone and didn't think I'd do it again because it was so lonely. She said quickly, "Well, go with a friend next time!" Yeah, like friends are hanging on the clothesline and you just go grab one when you want to.
I know they mean well, but they need to hear the TRUTH about how we are doing. Not moping around for sympathy, but to know the TRUTH. You do not just forget and go be HAPPY w/o your best friend in life.
I don't know if anyone understands this mess we are all in until they have to wade through it. I think people try to find a reference point in their own lives and, usually, there is none, so then they come back with some off-the-wall comment in an effort to try and relate to you. They try to understand, they try to be friendly, or at least polite, but what can anyone really say? It is hard to be on the receiving end of that lack of understanding.
I think, too, that most people DON'T want to understand - it's too scarey to contemplate what walking in our shoes might be like.
At least you broke the ice, so to speak, and perhaps can revisit with old acquaintances there again.
Love and Big Hugs,
Martha
Oh, how I know those friends are not on that clothes line. They all must be hiding, or enjoying their comfortable life with their spouses.
The only time they will want the truth told is when they are in our place, living in our shoes. Sad to say but true.
Maybe one day our lives will change, I just don't see it.
JoAnn
That's one thing I always admired and loved my Joe for. He was always on the lookout for people who were alone and would go sit with them. Oh, Joe, just one of the wonderful memories of you. My precious Joe.
Marsha, I love to talk to strangers, too. So I'm a good one to put on the welcome committee in any group! LOL!
I too think its time to educate those who say how are you doing
I too say OK not fine....but I am doing what needs to be done, lonely alone at home which is to be expected (I add the last 5 words), but plugging along....thankyou for asking
I would not wish what all of us have gone through on anyone, but come on.
I agree with several posts, I wish others could truly understand what we are going through, but still see us as warm, loving humans.
My response is "I'm okay." What I'd love to say is "You won't understand if I tell you how I am. One day you'll experience it and only then will you know." But that answer is way too long............
.so I haven't come up with anything other than "okay."
And frankly, I hate saying it.