Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I lost my husband over a year ago. His mother and brother and sister made it very difficult for me. He wanted privacy and limited visitors to myself, our kids and his mom. This created a problem for the siblings and his mother. She was very cruel to me the last few days of his life. On the last night of his life, my 21 year old son kicked them off my property because they were being so disrespectful of me and my husbands wishes. They came back the next morning and he died shortly.
Since then, they don't talk to me or my daughter. I call, leave messages and Mike's mom will email me in reply. Recently, I asked her to be a part of my daughters life in an email. In her response, she told me that my daughter was disrespectful towards her in 2012. (My daughter was 13 years old. I have no idea what happened.) she also made a comment accusing me of "creating Mike's wishes". The more I think about this, the angrier I get. I did the best I could, I honored my husband and HIS wishes. It would have been much easier for me to not have to argue with people, while he was dying.
This is a vicious anger that I'm beginning to feel. How dare she! Accuse me of dishonesty, maliciousness or manipulation? She's known me for 24 years I have never been those things! Part of me wants to say "keep to yourself, then, if that's how you want it." Another part of me wants to rip her to shreds because she doesn't honor her sons final wishes.
I need to get this out of my head. It's not healthy or helpful. I just thought I would share because I know I'm not the only one to have in laws walk away. At least now, I know why.
Since then, they don't talk to me or my daughter. I call, leave messages and Mike's mom will email me in reply. Recently, I asked her to be a part of my daughters life in an email. In her response, she told me that my daughter was disrespectful towards her in 2012. (My daughter was 13 years old. I have no idea what happened.) she also made a comment accusing me of "creating Mike's wishes". The more I think about this, the angrier I get. I did the best I could, I honored my husband and HIS wishes. It would have been much easier for me to not have to argue with people, while he was dying.
This is a vicious anger that I'm beginning to feel. How dare she! Accuse me of dishonesty, maliciousness or manipulation? She's known me for 24 years I have never been those things! Part of me wants to say "keep to yourself, then, if that's how you want it." Another part of me wants to rip her to shreds because she doesn't honor her sons final wishes.
I need to get this out of my head. It's not healthy or helpful. I just thought I would share because I know I'm not the only one to have in laws walk away. At least now, I know why.
They will make remarks insinuating that I should have taken him to the Dr right away.
Then my FIL stated to our oldest son that good thing he wasn't driving when it happened or he may have killed someone else. Also on a recent visit they implied that with Tim gone they would not have to worry about which one of their 2 son's get their Harley when they pass.
They way I have choosen to handle it is to not soil my Tim's memory by allowing their behavior to bother me. I am going to be the bigger person.
I have found that I have more patience then I ever thought I would have. I take pride in the fact that I can be the better person.
I am saddeded by the fact that they are not involved with their Grandchild. It appears they are not mature enough to realize that teenagers will be disrespectful at times.
Use the anger to your advantage, I found anger helped with my grieving process. It gave me something besides sadness to focus on.
Good luck,
Hugs, Sandi
You attempted and she refused, it would be better for your daughter not to have to be exposed to her negativity.
I had a person like that during my time, my sil husband. My husband basically died on the 16th of December. He had massive strokes affecting all areas of his brain, there's no recovering from that. On the 17th they moved him to a bigger hospital and by the end of that week I knew he wasn't going to come out of it. Now, he made it clear to his mother and I both that he did not want any machines. Given that Christmas wasn't very far away, I decided to leave him on the machines until after Christmas. Before Christmas my sil's husband made comments that I was rushing things. Then on Christmas Eve he made the same comment behind my back to my mil in my hearing. Now both she and I had talked to the doctors and knew that he was gone. Instead of defending me she says to my bil it's not my decision, she's in charge. We had talked about it and talked with the doctors and still she let him insinuate that I was just rushing things. I knew my husbands health problems when I married him and I accepted them. I stood by him through his first stroke even through he was so mean to me and the kids. I loved him so much, the decision to take him off the machines was one of the hardest things I ever did. I stayed at the hospital night and day with him for the whole time. I didn't want him to be gone. I am still angry and I go through periods that I just want to hit him and I'm not a violent person. I won't go to their home or speak to them unless absolutely necessary. The best thing I can say is pray. Ask the Lord to take your anger. My Daddy always told me that if you let someone make you angry, you are letting them control you. Don't give them that control. They don't deserve it. I will pray for you.
Geo
I've got a lot to be grateful for and be happy about. I know he was happy and appreciated my support and I know that my kids support me, as other family members do. I'm better. It sure helps to know that I'm not alone and get some peaceful advice. I know what Mike would say, "It's her loss." But he's not here to say it.