Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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feeling guilty

maryelnew
maryelnew
It has not been all that long, but the initial shock/deep drak grief is slowy lifting and I look to future more. I understand I can't go backwards, and I'm slowly getting into my own routine. This support group and my friends have helped me get this far and I am sure with everyone's help I will continue to progess. My main stalling point now, is a type of guilt - if I start to feel too much happiness, or elation or joy - I feel like I have to pull back because I am being disloyal to my love. I know this is not true and is perfectly normal, for those of you ahead of me - how did you get past this? Or did it just sort eventually wear away the more practice you had reminding yourself he/she would not want you to remain stagnate? Thanks
kkg17
kkg17
Mary- I know EXACTLY how you're feeling and have been feeling the same. I feel bad because so many on this site mention they don't want to get out of bed because of grief, or miss their spouses so much they are almost incapacitated or terribly sad all the time. Am I being an unloving wife for moving on so quickly? I even felt kinda relieved and glad I didn't have to negotiate with him when I remodeled the closet in the office- just hired someone and got it done. I do know I loved him with all my heart when he was here.
Today I was walking home from the gym, in gorgeous weather, and thought about how much he loved our beach home, and how glad I was that he got to enjoy it on vacations or weekends for seven years before he died. Right after he died, I was wracked with sorrow that he never got to live here full-time in retirement, but today I thought about the times he DID get to be here. We had such a great life together, and that is what was on the forefront of my mind today...PS I toyed with writing a post just like yours a couple of weeks ago.
eric1971
eric1971
I am a little over 2.5 years, and yes it just takes time, and is different for everyone. The fact that you can feel happiness is a great step forward.
dschwartz
dschwartz
I always say that guilt is a useless waste of our precious energy (not to negate the fact that we as humans can find many reasons to feel guilt). In this grief journey, guilt is part of the emotional thread, unfortunately. I'm at about the same time line as Terri (cottage), so can relate well with her post in that I don't recall feeling guilt when coming up for air. I was just happy for the reprieve. I do remember feeling guilt over other things. That was in early grief . . mostly the could'a, would'a, should'a(s). I eventually got past that and moved on to other worries and emotions. We are never stagnate in our emotional grief journey . . so I wouldn't worry too much about this phase of feeling guilty. Feel your feelings, acknowledge them and let them go. My mantra of late is no feelings are wrong! Hugs, D
letmehelpyou
letmehelpyou
I had to make a real effort to get past the guilt for wanting to be happy. Even though I knew it was irrational to feel that way. I just kept putting myself into new experiences and places. Eventually it wore away and I finally realized on an emotional level that I had the right to be happy. Took a while though. My head knew I had to get past it, but my heart....
Sorry for me it just took time.
Hugs,
Val
eli525
eli525
I'm 9 months into this journey and I get a twang of guilt now and then about feeling better or enjoying my independence. I struggle daily that it's no longer we but just me. I spend a lot of time looking for positive inspiring quotes or stories. It passes time and makes me think of other stuff. I saw a quote today "Ignore those who say just get over it. Healing is a process." Somehow that made me feel better.