Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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aratliff 10/10/2013

the other day I was asked by an ex-coworker who lost his wife to cancer 7 mths prior to my loss, what I do to deal with my anger...I cant say that I have expierenced anger yet...nor do I cry everyday...its not because I don't miss him...I miss him SO MUCH!! I would give anything to have my old imperfect life back...I am nearing 7 months, and I think I am still just too broken to feel things that I am "supposed" to feel...I fight the tears most days, that is why I don't cry...I am just now getting to the point of having moments when I realize this is NOT a temporary situation...he's really not coming back...I really DO have to go thru my life like this...but when these thoughts come into my head, I quickly dismiss them-I push those thoughts down as far as possible...that's not to say I don't think about him every minute of every day...it is still to much for me to deal with....I often still feel as though I am on auto pilot...when he asked me, I told him I've done nothing, and even though I have not felt anger (at least not that I have realized-maybe I have and just don't know it), yet I am scared that one day something is going to "snap" inside of me at the wrong time, or the wrong person...
Am I just not at that point yet?? do I have to go thru that too??? I have always been the type to be cautious of what i say, even in a heated argument (I avoid confrontation-always have, I won't even walk down a isle at the grocery store if there are too many people in it) I don't like to be the person who says anything out of anger that I will regret later...I just keep pushing everything down, further and further...how much further can I push it before I explode...before reality takes over and I have a total melt down????
has anyone else not felt anger???

jewells1 10/10/2013

In PTSD, wich many widow/wodowers get a PTS from the loss of our spouse. Our brain will dissociate the strong feelings. Then little by little the make them selves known. You can at that point push them back...but your brain won't just take those few, it will grab all and hide them. Then it is a grey world. Nothing extreme either good or bad will be felt. until the feelings are answered.

PTS- Post traumatic Stress.--After our husband/wife passes, there is an anger to the feelings of:
Why now?
Why when we were happy?
Could I have done anything to change it, guilt...

and many more.

PTSD-Post traumatic Stress Disorder/dysfunction. Labels are changing in this area by Dr. and Mental Heath officials. But when these strong stressors are not dealt with, hidden for too long it changes how you react to all stress, triggers are things that jog the memory of feelings.So your brain hides strong reactions

I know this is not that forum, but it does effect a lot of Widows and Widowers, the feelings of loss,lack of your own control over it...may trigger this, from other points when you also felt the same.
Causing your brain to pull back from the high level of emotions, where our loss is concerned...for safety.

jewells1 10/10/2013

P,S. that's just part of it. There is more.

Girldawg1 10/10/2013

Anger is one of the emotions we can feel. I've been angry at everything from the medical system, society, my husband. Not a full blown anger; more of a gross disappointment, despair, fear. A large component of grief is actually fear - fear of being left, and of that 'unknown'. Why me??? Very shortly after my husband died I was sitting there alone, and thinking some very terrible thoughts. That inner voice came loud and clear that "no, I'm not like that - stronger and better than that so get up and do something about it". I began a project outside, and that was the first major turning point to dealing with the despair and anger and channeling it into positive activity. The first step to dealing with the anger, is simply the realization that we are angry about the situation and that is natural, normal. It is how we deal with it. Better to focus on positive activity like friends or hobbies than to let it turn into something really harmful. It can surely take a lot of blind faith, but the storm will clear with opportunity and new experience on the other side. God bless.

Shrn 10/10/2013

I understand your desire to avoid the unpleasant emotions that fight in you now. They are strong yet very unpleasant and many of us want desperately to avoid them. I would strongly advise you to seek a safe place for you to address them. You may have a friend, spiritual advisor or professional counselor you can talk to.

They can not be buried or avoided forever and they need to be felt and dealt with under your control. Don't give them the power to control you by stuffing them down. Hospice often has programs or seek out services to deal with these common thoughts and feelings. I found them helpful and we need the strength they help us find in ourself. Sharon

marjoe 10/10/2013

Scared that one day you'll "snap"? And if you do? What will happen? Generally, I vented here, but I've said some things - and I can't say I've regretted them. But that's just me. You ARE living reality - your reality. If you feel the walls are closing in, then, yes, seek out short term therapy, just for the point of having an objective ear to listen to you. (Besides us, I mean).

Scouserboots 10/10/2013

I have had moments of anger, anger at losing my wife. But I can't focus that anger in any one direction. Who is to blame for cancer? I have cried myself awake and shouted, shouted at whoever or whatever took my wife away from me in this life. Those moments will happen from time to time as I travel this life without my wife and trying to find my way, making choices that I would have rather chosen with my wife.

deleted_user 10/12/2013

There is no set time anger can become clinical depression ...
Holding in/stuffing is numbing, however, it does surface making it harder to keep down - eventually it will come out in different ways ...
From persistent headaches, stomach issues, ulcers, from what I've read, the more serious cancer ...
Anger absolutely does not have to be rational ...
All that is needed is to be able to identify it properly to work it out of the system ...
Anger/grief produce toxins in the body; discharging them is best for overall good health ...
The grief journey is personal; there are choices - some with or without consequences ...

For myself, one valuable lesson I learned later in the first year was to monitor my grief - if I went a day or two w/out crying/discharging I'd become nauseous & panicky ...
I'd have to pick at it like a scab to bring out the grief; listen to "our" songs on Youtube, look at photo albums, touch his clothes, open his drawers w/his personal belongings, etc ...
Not only did it bring forth relief, I could control the where (environment) & when (time) to do it ...
Even though my grief journey ended 2 years ago & I'm feeling great, I still check myself on holidays, b-days, anniversaries for any signs of residual grief ...

Grief is organic/natural - we are hardwired to so ...
The hard thing to do is to "let it be" what it is ...

As for PTSD, not everyone develops it ...
A psychologist or psychiatrist is trained to give a proper diagnosis ...

jewells1 10/12/2013

Dotconnecter wrote:
"As for PTSD, not everyone develops it ...
A psychologist or psychiatrist is trained to give a proper diagnosis.."
This is true, but if you are feeng the pain is not letting up ater a year or so. No gone, but not letting up, The a talk with a councilor, may help define the reasons. Waves are normal, bu the terminally sunken feeling is not. The sooner you get help in identifying the other causes, bit clinical depression or a host of others, physical and mental. The better and stronger you will be, for the healing of your loss. Some may not have experienced this on this magnitude before, so I hope this offers a view that helps.

jewells1 10/12/2013

My computer is hicupping again.. Sorry for the skipped letters.

deleted_user 10/13/2013

Grief often mimics PTSD w/its similar symptoms ...
Please don't worry or create more fear w/a self diagnosis ...
Allow a professional to make a proper diagnosis ...

Since you are deliberately holding in your grief ...
You may want to consider professional help ...
The professional will firstly provide a safe environment, establish trust along w/Talk Therapy to lossen you up to eventually engage in grief work w/support ...
There are other therapy methods that can be used or incorporated to help you unwind ...
Therapy is a process just as grief is ...
Unburdening yourself of pent up emotions can be the greatest relief as well as finding your answers = freedom ...
[[[HUGS]]]

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