I think that while we may help you deal with these emotions, a therapist who is trained to show you how to deal with these types of emotions would be best. I also think that it is completely understandable for you to be feeling this way. Hugs

I am at the 2 year mark also. It is really worse than the 1 year mark. I think that has something to do with it.

Sandee ttn I am also at the 2 year mark and I agree it seems to be worst because at the 1st year mark I was still numb but turning and corner and now I am very much aware. I have been relieving each important date of January ... ie: January 12th, we were told that it was not lymphoma (a lesser of two evils diagnose we were hoping for)
January 13th , my husband being told while he was alone that something had been found in his brain and having to spend the night thinking of this because he did not want to disturb me ...
January 15 th being told that they finally had the answers they had been looking for.. I quote the Dr. "Howie , you have been asking me some hard questions and I am sorry but I have hard answers. You have Cancer. It is terminal and we can only do quality of life treatments" Again to protect me, my husband would ask questions when I was not around...January 23rd in the morning he passed...

I think irrational fear is part of the grief journey (at least for me); I'm not as far along as you are but have certainly experienced:
- fear of being robbed while I was out of the house. I carried my valuables with me for a while (although that was probably riskier - no clear thinking there)
- fear of having an accident and no one knowing (I carried a phone at all times for a while - even though I was on my own a lot during the day while M was alive and he was often not contactable; not logical at all)
- fear of the animals falling ill or having an accident and not knowing what to do (M was a vet)
- fear of having to cope with others' troubles (I have always been the one who sorted everything and everyone- just find it hard to do that now)
- fear for anyone I see riding a bicycle (that's what M was doing when he was hit)
I wonder if it's part of the heightened sensitivity and awareness we acquire as part of our experience. For example, I never noticed how many people die every day, and how many of them are young. I do now. My SIL was a nurse and told me that many nurses have fears about birth because they only see the difficult cases.
When I was becoming fearful about driving around trucks (another one!) my counsellor helped me remember back to "before" and the way it was just routine. She reminded me that the vast majority of experiences are routine or positive and that most people live long lives. She reminded me that we can lock ourselves away from life but then we'll also miss the joys.
A favourite saying of mine has always been "Fortune favours the brave". It's been very hard to get back to believing that but I'm getting there and hope you do too.
Hugs
Sandy

thsnks for posting. when my honey died it was sudden realy no warning that I knew he tried to tell me but I was in deniel and didn't believe him. when he died I lost my faith in me, I also was afraid of being hurt again. at the time didn't know that was the reason just knew I was afried, also lost my faith in god. this is stupid because always god has taken care of me in all kinds of scary weird situations, god has cacooned me in a bad marriage was in hospital off an on for year, no one thought I would get out of hospital ever but god broyght me thru. one day called me to act like a Christian. I prayed for months not my will but his. I know he hurd me the first time the rest was for me. in 3 months left life of sin and was with a Christian man and married him after 5 yrs he died and I could not trust me or god. to me on the surfice I was handling things just fine to me but no one else. god sent me another chance and I was way to scared to acknowledge let alon accept it. could not get past the fact that he would even like me not alone care for me, he is a very powerful person why would he like me. I just wish he would give me another chance

I agree with seeing a therapist. I think that we suffer from a form of PTSD, which can be dealt with but by somebody trained. I have the irrational fears too. I'm coming up on 2 years in March and havent been in a serious relationship but can only imagine that if I fell in love with somebody, I would fear losing them as well.
It's the hardest thing I've ever done, at 40 years old, living and my husband dying. The future, the plans, our family, myself; everything changed.
God bless you! You might sit down and ask yourself what a rational thought would be to replace your irrational one. What happened in your life is not the norm. Its unlikely that it would happen again.

Fear is "irrational" by nature . . and doesn't reflect "reality". I, too, struggle with all kind of fear(s) and anxiety that is not a true reflection of my current life. I agree with others that we are experiencing a form of PTSS along with our milestones of natural grief. If you can afford it, I would suggest seeing a qualified therapist that can help you work through these fears. With the "right" therapist, you will find psychological and emotional healing beyond trying to force yourself into changing your thinking on your own. The underlying issues need to be dealt with and not just what is on the surface of your emotions.

Thanks for your discussion post and sharing. I wish you better healing days ahead. Big Hug, Dayna

P.S. I totally "get" the worries and panic of being in another relationship that I may have to repeat the grief experience all over again. Sigh. Better to have lived and loved? Hmm . . . no easy answers come to mind. Hang in there.