Hello there, Squeege! I just wanted to say I am glad to hear from you again. You and I and several others were new on DS around the time I first joined in 2013, and many of us don't often post anymore. I was wondering about you, as I wondered about others from that time frame. You sound much better now and I am so happy to hear that your marriage has been recognized. So, Congratulations!

My husband didn't take his life so I can't comment on how it feels to be a survivor of suicide. But Steve's death came suddenly and issues were left unresolved. I often find myself rehashing a lot of things instead of looking to the future. I feel held back from trying to meet anyone else too. I know he's gone but he's in my head a lot -- I think I'm just not really ready yet.

I really do think you are doing very well, especially considering what you've dealt with and survived over the last two years! Alice

Squeege,

My wife suffered from chronic psychiatric illness, and ultimately ended her life in 2009. We had lived together 25 years but were legally married for only 10 of those years. Early on after her death I learned that we survivors of our spouse's suicide may suffer from "complicated grief", often taking much longer to heal than do most others who are widowed. Consequently, all throughout my first year of widowhood, I firmly believed that I would never become romantically involved again, and I said this repeatedly to many around me.

But during my second year, I met a widow who was a fellow member of the widow/widower support group that I belonged to. Although neither of us had dated since losing our spouses and we were not even looking to, we fell in love almost immediately. And 3 years later we were married. The 2 years that have passed since then have been filled with such incredible happiness that neither of us could have imagined in the months immediately following our losses. So recovery is indeed possible, even after losing our spouse to suicide.

With regard to the feeling of still being in a relationship with our deceased spouse, at first I felt this as well. But the nature of that relationship seemed to gradually evolve into one where I considered her, not so much my wife, but instead a good friend, perhaps one who was still looking out for me from wherever she may be. Although not necessarily true in the religious or spiritual sense, I once described it this way:

"I often feel that my [deceased] wife has been assisting me in facing the challenges of my new life. Some might say it is her actual spirit, and others, the spirit she instilled within me when she was alive. Whichever it is, it allows me to go on ... Wherever I go, whatever I do, she is with me. And so I never feel that I am leaving her behind. I see her smiling with me when I am up, encouraging me when I am down, laughing at me when I do something dumb. As she did for so many years in life, I'm sure that in death she still wants the best for me. And so she is guiding me towards happiness."

And included in this is the feeling that she personally picked out for me the widow I am now remarried to. Early on in the relationship, I wrote this about the new woman in my life:

"My love for her is deep and genuine, and completely without guilt with regard to my [deceased] wife ... we often feel, or at least like to think, that our departed spouses had a great deal to do with our getting together. Despite their illnesses and tragic deaths, they wanted us to have as happy a life as possible, and so found for us the perfect person to share ours with. It's a beautiful thought."

--- WifeLess

Thanks alice. Its strange how you belong to a group of people who lostsomeone at the same time. Its special.
Im glad for you wifeless. I think im just not ready to let go, im sure if that person came along like you i might learn how to manage that. Thankyou both for taking the time to write xx

I felt married to my husband for years after his death. I was adamant to remain single for many reasons, some personal insecurity and others because I believed that I needed no one else but him.
As the time passed I strived to find a life of my own. I made friends to socialize with and enjoyed my quiet time. I still missed him, but the memories became comforting. In the midst of building myself I fell in love with a man very different from my husband. We've shared our lives for 4 years now and I am grateful for all the people who have influenced my life over the years. Many of them are here at DS who walked with me through the hardest times of my life. Sharon

Hello, Squeege . . . It's so nice to hear from you. Like Alice, I joined DS in 2013, and I find it helpful to see posts from others who started here around the same time. I am so glad to know that you were able to get those issues resolved.

Wishing you continued peace . . .

Hi Squeege! I am so glad to see you here!!! I am also from the 2013 group and remember your posts and your pain and was just recently wondering about you and how you were doing . So glad that you were finally recognized legally as it should be! Her pain may have made her make the choices she made but she is still looking out for you!

As for moving forward and finding love again and I think that it's important to find who you truly are first and then the rest will fall into place. Let's face it we have baggage and that factors in any relationship. So for me becoming at peace with my life as it is and who I am now will ensure that I can be better equipped emotionaly should someone come into my life.

Again so glad to hear from you xoxo