From my perspective I am getting more anxscious etc because I expected to be farther along in where I felt I should be.

I also am getting tired of being alone - and lonely. I do keep busy in my own way, I do help our local community projects,joined Lions Club and am active in those projects but when all is said and done you can only help others so much. Than its time to help you,
BUT I think there is nothing we can do any further....and its frustration of NOW WHY DO I DO?

Family is family, friends are friends, people are people, and those who do not get it never will I think. Sometimes I just feel I have to shrug them off...

Sorry you are having a tough time. Step back, step away from it all and go somewhere to see something goreous, beautiful and let serenity set in for a little bit.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

I am only 7 months along but feel the same way and I can tell in my heart that I will always feel this way. I read all the posting of people tha twere able to move on and see the happiness again, but I am like you, and just cannot find a way out of this hole I am in.

Nick is right, it is the question "what do i do now" that makes this feeling so much worse and causes the terrible anxiety. If you feel that you are not getting any better at all, it cannot hurt you to talk to a therapist. It is so worth the try to find a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

When God closed the window, He may have opened the door..but the hallway is very long and scary. Someone recently told me this and it is so fitting for all of us Love Ann

I would talk to your doctor about this. I've read that some people need to increase the dose. I'm not saying that you should do it. In fact, when my doctor offered medication after I lost my husband, I turned it down. Why? Because I'm easily addicted. I've been trying to get off sugar for nearly 45 years and still no luck. When my doctor made the suggestion, I told her unless it could bring my husband back, I had no interest in it. I wanted to learn to cope with my loss. Two years out, I'm feeling better. I still have days when I don't want to wake up, but fewer everyday.

Tracy, to answer your questions - yes, and maybe. Yes, I still get frustrated and angry and very sad. Most of it is just life happening, but sometimes there's that extra twist in the gut. I don't like it, but I expect it will happen at intervals for quite a long time. I did a refresher course (saying that lightly), this past January. I hadn't seen my therapist for 2.5 years, and when I needed it, I was in his office that same day. I went for 3 visits, and that was it. I'll probably do it again when the need arises. Scratch that, I have him on speed dial, lol. Be gentle with yourself, Trace - Hugs, marsha

Tpoulos - so VERY VERY Sorry you are having a rough time. I admire you immensely for all the work you do with new widows. And WOW, a golf tourney for your late husband must be very rewarding, even if it is a lot of work!

Yesterday was 2.8 years for me (I'd never thought of it that way) and from time to time anxiety and panic set in for me as well. So I understand where you are coming from. This new life has forced us into situations that we are unfamiliar with, but unfamiliarity is not new to me. What is new is that my most ardent suppporter is not here cheering me on, building up my self-confidence and courage, and no high fives for a job well done. So that unfamiliarity is very scary now and brings on my panic attacks. I did consult a counselor around the holidays because I just couldn't handle it any more. She gave me tools to help me get my big girl pants on and make the fit well and comfortable. She helped me to think outside the box I had closed in on myself.

As far as the "no financial worries" I have finally found myself being bold enough to offer to exchange places with those who think I have no worries. Amazingly enough, they are just not willing to do that.

One quote I take with me every day -- "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow." (Radmacher) So maybe CA can just wait until another day.

Sending you lots of hugs and encouragement!
Cathy

I've not written anything on DS for a long long time. Today I'm here reading and decided to add a little. It's going to be 3 years since my DH died. This coming week will be 4 that he was diagnosed. Not much more along than you. YES, I feel like you do. And NO, I don't think you need a shrink. Maybe someone to talk to but you are not crazy.

I've talked to several of my widowed friends and we are all, or most of us, having bad times. They haven't stopped, just not as intense. I talked with a friend who is 6 years a widow. We sat and cried together, she telling me that it's not over, not better. She had just sold some of their things and their dog was dying, her last animal from their time together. It all hurts over and over.

I think we expect more than we should from ourselves and others only want it to go away so they don't need to think that we are needy. I had panic attacks last spring a year ago like a run away train, coming all day and most of the night. I had some big changes again in my life and it broke me - again. But with each day, I get stronger. I listen to inspirational CD's over and over that have made a very big difference in my life this year.

I read a book that has helped me with thinking that my husband is gone forever. It's a book about a small child who saw heaven when he was very very sick. It's called "Heaven is for Real". I've read many books but this one gave me comfort that I didn't find anywhere else. A very real picture in my head of what is waiting and who is waiting for me in Heaven. The one thing that helped me probably the most was the grandfather who knew the little boy was his great-grandson. He knew his family. I have 3 grandsons who were born since my husband died. It is wonderful to know that the ties are not broken by death.

The panic attacks are really bad. When they come, tell yourself over and over - I can do this. I've done it before and I can do it today. I WILL NOT LET THESE THINGS RUN MY LIFE! I found that most of the time when I got the attacks, what I really wanted to do was cry but felt that because of where I was, I couldn't. I still get moments of panic and probably will for the rest of my life. I wish there was some way to make them go away forever but with out my man who was the rock in my life, I expect to have them again. But we can do it!!!!

You are not crazy - you are still grieving. Many many hugs,

Kathy

Thank you all, so reassuring and comforting to know that others have the same issues and feelings, I know this will pass, I just hate the emotional and physical pain . I beat myself up thinking I should be past all of this , happened in January and now May , I have so much to be grateful for & when an entire day is wasted away in bed because I am so drained I feel like a failure. It is what it is and I need to stop beating myself up for something I can't control. This too shall pass and better days ahead. Several gals I spoke to on the phone are on meds and feel it's the answer and others think the meds don't help only cause them to not feel and be a zombie . Hoping to get a good nights sleep and be on the road tomorrow with hopes the cool California air and change of scenery will bring sunshine and smile to my face. thanks again

Tracy, my mIke has been gone about the same time as your Jim and I still have days that are extremely sad, but they come few and far between. I'm convinced that they'll never go away, so I just accept it as a true testament to the love we had on earth and let myself go. I agree with Marsha---be gentle with yourself. By the way, I love the idea of the golf tournment in your husband's name. It's a great way to keep his legacy going. Peace to you!

Hi Tracey, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can't imagine that I won't feel the same way in three years too. Just when I think I'm starting to have a few good days and have some really terrible days. I didn't sleep at all last night and then I was completely exhausted a miserable all day. I'm planning an annual golf tournament in my husbands name too. His family are all helping and my husband and his family were very well known in our home town so it will be a very big annual event. I'm looking forward to doing something positive.

And just so you know it's beautiful here in San Diego at the moment. Nice weather really does help the mood. Julia xx

Tracy,
I appreciate you sharing your heart---so often I think, we feel a need to put on a brave front----to not admit when it's too damn hard living this new life at times. You have added so much to me in the sharing you have done on this site. I know you have done a lot of work putting the spot light on what being a widow/widower means. And in working through your grief. I am in the midst of reading the Grief Recovery Handbook---I think you mentioned it in one of your posts and have thought about saving up to go to one of the seminars----I think it could be helpful-----Like you I am trying what ever supportive way to work through this pain. I am trying to learn how to live this new life.

I have been in this new normal for nearly 20 months now. My good times are happening more often, but the sadness in my heart is always present. I don't want to be only defined by being a "widow", but how can it not be a part of the tapestry of my life---what I experience and what I have had in my life is what gives the shape to my life. I also feel times of near panic and still times I just want to scream my heart out. It is so unsettling, but I know from experience, I will live through the uncomfortable episode.

I am sorry you are feeling this way for this time----and again, thanks for sharing and being open.

Love and Hugs,
Sallie