Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Here we go again

diamond47m
diamond47m
My husband died on August 1,2011 of a massive heart attack,we are originally from the MS delta and had moved back there thinking that we were losing our home here in east tn,then we found we could save the home,Pat and my son went to MS to get our thing's and he had a massive heart attack at the hospital and was gone in a instant,I have felt guilt because I was in TN job hunting(he told me to)when this happened,although I know I couldn't have saved him,It's just the What if's? what if this,what if that.Just when I think I'm doing good,concentrating on Christmas with my 2 practically grown kids and the family in MS,Something will trigger another breakdown,this time it was a dream that he was holding me.Sometimes I want to just run away to another state where me and the kid's don't know anybody,it sound's dumb because we are in TN and do love it here.I lost my husband,the house,the dog(has to stay at neices due to rental)and my husband's dodge ram shot a rod through the engine 3 hour's after he died.All this happened in the matter of 1 week.I just don't understand why all this has happened to us,what did I do that was so bad I deserve all this? Does anyone else feel this way? Is this nightmare going to end? Thank's for letting me vent.
yellowrose3
yellowrose3
Hi diamond, I also feel like running so many times. I feel like getting in my truck and driving until I can't drive anymore. All of the constant daily reminders in driving me crazy. Half of me wants to stay here and wrap myself in all the memories sight, and sounds of our home. The other half of me wants to run like hell, and Both feels like they are fighting it out.
I ask myself the same question, " what did I do"? I run things over and over in my head, and have no answere on that. Just know that we are here for you. hugs: Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry. You most certainly don't deserve this and I wish I knew why these things happen. One day life is good and happy and the next it is gone with no warning. There just isn't any answers and all we can do is take one day at a time. It has been 4 years and life is much better now acceptance while hard eventually comes and though the sadness lingers life becomes bearable and we learn to live again. Hugs!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Diamond,

Sometimes I dream about running away, too, because sometimes coping seems unmanageable. But we do it baby step by baby step. As others have said, you did not do anything to deserve this. Sometimes life can hand off some harsh realities. Things will get better. Keeping you in prayer.

Shar
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, I think we all have those feelings--you did not do anything to deserve what you are going through---losing the love of your life makes everything magnify---even small things will seem large so the big things you are encountering are even worse. I'm so sorry for everything you are going through and feeling--just try to take it one moment at a time--and come here often--especially to read the notes of the ladies and guys who have been here much longer than I have--they have gained much wisdom in this journey--and they still remember all those early moments, fears, frustrations, anger, sadness--how huge it was--even though they still face the feelings of loss and sadness they can help you understand the process. We are all there for you. Hugs
edithbathgate
edithbathgate
My dear, you are not to blame for any of this. I feel so sad when I read about your losses and troubles. this is such a difficult time for yopu. I hope you will find some ways to care for yourself; resting more, coming here and reading and posting a lot, getting out for ice cream or coffe with you kids and friends now and then. Just please, don't blame yourself!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh Diamond - you sound so much like where I am right now. In another thread I asked the same question - what did I do to deserve this?

The answer is nothing of course. It just feels like there MUST be a reason and the fault must lie with us.

My mother told me the other day that the questions I drive myself crazy with are all part of trying to get back my equilibrium. In this forum, each of us have had our world have turned upside down and inside out. We keep striving to make sense of it, while dealing with the loneliness and loss.

I don't imagine we can ever make sense of it. Hopefully we will all make peace with it. One day, when we are no longer here on this planet, we will know the answers but apparently it's not for us to know now.

I'm so sorry for your loss - for all your losses. We ALL understand how you are feeling. I know what it is to have to start over - I'm packing now to move to middle TN as a matter of fact. I too wish I was going to a state where no one knows me, but I have to go where I have family because I can't find a job here. To boot, hubby and I used to live in the very town I'm going back to - another heartache and sad memories to deal with. My Alan has only been gone 4 weeks and 1 day. I have hundreds of nagging guilts, regrets and questions hourly.

Wish there was an answer for us all. Just keep pushing forward til you come to some light and peace.

Hugs, Di