Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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myhusbandisanangel 03/18/2018

Grieving comes in waves and today I feel like I am drowning.

It has been 17 months today but yet it feels like a lifetime and yet if still feels like it was just yesterday. I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes as I thought of you Gary and wonder if he misses me too.

This has been the most hardest journey I have taken in my life, and one I don’t care to take. I know it feels like a pity party and I apologize for this rant.

I feel like Gary was robbed of his life when other stupid, dumb, murders, rapists, people live a good life in jail and live to be in there 90’s and Gary had to be taken at 56. LIFE IS NOT FAIR. I have taken this journey by myself with the help of no family, as they didn’t care about it us. I have my dog and he was the one that got me up every morning or I would have stayed in bed and curled up and died as that is what I wanted when he died.

For some reason today I thought of how I found him in the early morning and tried to breath life into him and cried out for god to help me and Gary.......not even god was there for me.....when they to Gary to the hospital and hooked him up to life support and then to persist to tell me he was no longer here as he was with out oxygen to long.......there is one person somewhere with Gary’s lungs so he did what he wanted to do is to help someone else. He always was a kind sweet, loving husband and I miss him so much today.

I know I have come along ways since October 18, 2016 and yes I went to therapy and group therapy and you know I am glad I did, because I need to be there for our daughter. Sure I could have curled up and not cared about life, and I could have take pills, but I kept remembering our daughter. Also Gary and I made a promise to each other a long time ago that if one of us had to go, then the other one has to wait, and not harm ourselves, and at the time I agreed, well dammit, why did I have to promise and now I have to wait to see him.

God I have made it this far and I have to for our daughter, but today I feel weak and I just want to sit hear and cry and cry and cry. I smelled his shirt I sleep with, and it smells so sweet just like Gary.

I know it must sound like I am ranting, and there are others out there, that have just lost there spouse, boyfriend, partner and are in a worse position than me....but I needed to say this and let it out or it would just eat me alive. Thank you all for being there for me and I have made some wonderful friends along the way in this lonely journey. I am grateful to each and everyone of you. I will get through this day I know but today seem harder today for some reason.

raininseattle 03/18/2018

Dianna, I'm proud of you. You could have tried to numb this pain but you lived through it and let grief takes you where it may. You are right; life is so very unfair.

karenj 03/18/2018

Dianna, I am here for you as well as all your friends here. Yes it is a very tough journey to take, and I miss my Martin everyday as well. Life is not fair I agree considering the people out there and what they do they live a good life in jail...not fair at all.

Thanks to you telling me about how you did this and how it helped you I did go to counseling and it did help me, it was hard step to take but you were there for me to make sure I was not alone and I remember all the messages we have exchanged through this site. That is why I am here for you too.

I remember when I lost Martin it was so hard for me to move on, but I have done it and you will also. It is ok to rant as that is what this site is for. So don’t worry about it. You have friends here.

Gary loved you so much and he will be there for you when it is your time and you will see him again, that’s what keeps me going knowing Martin will be there for me when it is my time to join him. Gary is watching over you and he will always.

Hugs to you my dear friend, Karen

cliffskat 03/18/2018

I lost Cliff when he was 55, so I have had those very same kinds of thoughts many, many times. I am sorry it was the bad memories that hit you today. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Jaxmate 03/18/2018

Dianna, I'm beginning to feel that grieving is an emotional marathon for my soul. It's demanding, exhausting and painful. There are times when I need to address the wounds I'm feeling and I temporarily step off this challenging course and just cry.
Those are the moments that I'm at my weakest, but I feel that those pit stops are necessary if I plan to keep on running.
Sweet Diana, today you clearly need to vent and cry and do whatever it takes to treat your wounds.
Please know that your fellow marathoners are here to offer you all the balms and bandages you might need.
Many hugs from Ellen

Mas63 03/18/2018

Dianna,
i lost my husband 19 months ago, he was 48. I just want you to know that i understand and it's ok to let it out. Day by Day,sister.

Msbklyn 03/18/2018

I know that feeling of it feeling like so long so very since we've seen them and at times like yesterday. It's been almost 2 1/2 years and even now sometimes it still hits me as if it just happened. I had a moment like that recently and it hurt like it hasn't in a long time. I am moving on with some things in my life and missing him so very much. Thankfully we have the experience to know we will have better days ahead. Go ahead and vent all you want. You were robbed and so was he, as so we're many of us and our families were. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Marybeth

Sunrise12 03/18/2018

Have a good long cry,as long as you need.and know we are right here crying tears with you.

lostmytruelove 03/18/2018

Dianna I’m sorry you are having such a bad day. You have messaged me many times and tried to lift me up as I’ve felt like I’m drowning everyday since Ross died 2 months ago. You have been such an encouragement to me and I wish I had some words that would help ease your pain today. Sadly as you know we both feel the same way. I’m sending hugs to you. I hope knowing how much you have helped me will somehow bring you some comfort.

staygolden3 03/18/2018

I’m so sorry Dianna that your day has been “one of those days.” It’s a little later now and I hope it’s taken a different turn for you as I write this. Believe me when I say that we have all gone through this and you never know when days like this will hit. Sometimes there is no rhyme nor reason but it just happens. There is nothing wrong with ranting or venting to let out your feelings where they need to be...out in the open. And, what better place to do it than here amongst all of your friends who truly understand your path and your pain.
I for one am glad that you made that pact with Gary as you are too much of a valuable person to ever lose! You have touched more people than you know and are much stronger than you think! You are a treasure, don’t ever forget that! I hope that you feel better soon! Tomorrow is another day with a fresh start, You can do this dear lady! You already have and you will continue to do so!
Love and big warm
hugs to you!!!!
Darcie

Rick51 03/18/2018

Your pain is so palpable, and resonates with all of us. I hope you get through it, and find any version of joy that you can.

nightlady 03/18/2018

Hi Dianna, I haven't been on this site in a long time. My husband died on June 20th 2014, so it will be coming up on 4 years.
I was like you in the beginning, and listening to music helped me through this heartbreaking time and purge my soul. I admit, I was crying like a baby on my way to work and on my way home just listening to so many songs that I could relate to. But when I think back, I know this really helped me to grieve and soldier on in my life without my sweet husband. It was especially hard when I went back to work and couldn't call him when I arrived. He would always wait for me to call to make sure I got in safely.
I still have my days like everyone else here, but believe me, it will get a little easier over time. My little dog Lucy helped me get through a lot of pain in the beginning, and she still does. My family, friends and neighbors have also helped tremendously. Don't ever apologize for "ranting," talking about this is cathartic and is part of this unfortunate and painful grieving process we have to endure. Big Hugs, Patty

regwin 03/18/2018

Dianna, Sorry for your tears today. I Hope tomorrow is much kinder to you. I'm happy for the person who received Gary's lungs. Just think how good that family feels. Wishing you peace and strength today and everyday Hugs, Dolores

myhusbandisanangel 03/19/2018

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement that means a lot to me to know I have wonderful friends here. I made it through the day, and today the sun is shining, and I feel better. Thank you to you all.
Hugs Dianna

raininseattle 03/19/2018

The sun might be shining but it's stone cold! 17 degF in mid March!! Are you kidding me? Did the groundhog wake up just to get some milk?

myhusbandisanangel 03/19/2018

I agree here it is -9 right now and we got snow all weekend.....I think that groundhog should be fired....I think it was just to get milk.....spring is supposed to be Tuesday.....well he got that wrong.

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