Hi Marie, I am so sorry you are having to go through such a difficult and painful time .
No, you are not the only one who feels this way. that is the wonderful blessing of this site, to have the opportunity from present and past posts to see that the tumult of emotions we experience is 'normal'.
When I felt desperate and alone I would often go through the past posts to see how others went before me, and how they felt and coped, and even how they got through.
Hang in there, they did get through - and so will we.

No you are not alone I have been that road so many times. Sending you hugs. Denise.

Marie,

You are in good company, as you truly are not the only one that has felt such despair. Reading your words of anguish, it appears that you're in a mode of running scared (very common with all of us in the beginning). If you could calm the fear that threatens to paralyze your recovery, it would be helpful to try and focus on what is present and nothing more, addressing one issue at a time. Early on in our journey of survival, we are trying to plant our feet on solid ground, trying to get a grip on reality. It's so frightening, and all we want to do is have our old lives back.

When my husband died suddenly, all I seemed to do well was stand in the middle of the room and crynot very productive. I didn't know in which direction to go first, but I knew that I didn't have that privilege of standing still indefinitely. Even if I made mistakes, I had to head in some directionany direction and see where it took me. Little by little, the unfinished house we built got finished; the farm chores I knew nothing about became familiar, and so on.

Your world has been broken, and the pieces for repair aren't within your emotional reach right now. The path out of this confusion does not come without some pain. Most of us had to hold on as tight as possible while maneuvering this journey of landmines.

Marie, you can do what it takes to survive. I know it's hard to hear and consider this thought right now because all you want to do is escape the pain. It is agonizing, no shortcuts and no magic solutions. Taking the one-day-at-a-time attitude will bring you some solace as you carefully yet with strong resolute determine to move forward and discover the untapped strength within you. Your friends and family can be a great support, but the solution is within yourself as you purpose to move forward.

My words most likely aren't comforting to you right now, but I hope you find encouragement in what is said. The new life routine in which you find yourself will become easier as you face and conquer each decision. Believe me; you will become more confident with each day that passes. It happens in spite of our misgivings and lack of self-assurance.

Blessings to you. There are many wonderful people here on DS who are eager to reach out and help in your time of uncertainty. Remember, we have all been where you are right now; yet, here we are mastering unchartered territory together. Thank goodness for Daily Strength. TJ

Hi Marie, I think I know how you feel. My husband died Last June and I live alone. I think the hardest thing I had to do was to come home to a empty quiet house. I even found myself leaving the TV on so when I came home I could hear a voice. It is just so very lonely but eventually it gets a little better. Not good by no means but a little less painful. The first few months I found my self either not coming home or picking up the phone and calling someone as soon as I walked in the door. I would try to skip around so I wasn't burdening the same person too many times per week. I still felt guilty that I took up so much of their time. I try to do less of that now. I have several acres of ground so I have so very much to do keeping the property up. I enjoy taking care of the flower gardens in the spring and summer but the grass cutting, snow blowing, or taking care of the car stuff drives me bonkers. I just don't want to deal with it. But I do and after it is done I do feel a sense of accomplishment. I guess I have found just plain staying busy helps me the most. I also tried going to grief counseling through our church and meetings given by a local hospice center. I agree they helped in the beginning. But, I started feeling that just sharing heartache and stories of sickness and loss may not be the best way of socializing and getting back into the world. I made my husband the center of my life for so very many years and I don;t regret that . At that time I wouldn't have had it any other way. I am now finding I have to go out and meet people, I really need to make new friends. I found a source on line through Meetup.com. it has been wonderful . There is a local group available for just about any activity you can imagine. At first I thought joining a bunch of strangers would be awkward and uncomfortable but it really isn't so bad. You join the group because you have a hobby or interest in common. The people participating usually have circumstances close to ours. Or they are divorced or never married. You should check it out. The groups I have joined are not dating or anything like that. They are for socializing and making new friends. Since I found them I at least know if I don't want to be alone. I don't have to be. I hope everything starts getting better for you soon. Blessing. BC

Marie,

I so feel the same way. I cry so much and I miss my husband as much now as I did. I am having a very hard time, adjusting to all the responsibilities and the changes in my life. I wish everyday that I could go back to my old life. I went out with some family tonight and felt like the loneliest person in the world. There were a lot of people having fun and I wanted to cry. I feel like a charity case, tagging along, a true fifth wheel. I came home and opened up DS. Messaged to a friend. I find life so difficult. You are not all alone on this journey. We are with you. I can't chat because of the internet speed that I have but you can send me a message anytime. It a lonely road that we travel. I wish you well. Kathy

Dear Marie...I am feeling exactly the same as you at the moment, and I just can't seem to shake the feelings off today...but I'm trying to. I don't want to depress you any further, and I want to say that I have had much better days than this... My husband passed away November '08 from Lung cancer. It was a terrible time initially, but you just get through the days as best you can. Eventually it does get a little easier and there are more optimistic days and brighter thoughts again..Last year I went to London a few times with my two daughters and my son..and saw West end shows etc. I have always been scared of travelling and leaving my home, so this was quite a feat for me. I overcame that particular fear and it felt so good! The summer helps our mood uplift too...gloomy skies and down mood go hand in hand. Like you, I hate coming home to an empty house. My son still lives at home, but works a difficult shift system, and he is living away for a while. I think this is what has triggered my depression. However, the sun is shining, and I am determined to get out of the house and get my mood up. Perhaps you could do the same? Our husbands are close to us I am sure, and want us to live as fully as we can, as we have learnt how precious each day of our life is..Try and turn your thoughts around, and concentrate on something that lifts your mood. Spring is just round the corner, and is such a hopeful time. I really feel for you, but things will get better I promise. Smile as often as you can and live as optimistically as possible. We are after all in charge of our own thoughts, so try and change them if they become too negative..We adjust to any situation given time...even if we are don't want to, such is the human condition. If there are responsibilities that worry you regarding your home..ask friends or a professional. It is fear of the unknown that is as worriesome as the things themselves. Just know that you are not alone. Get out as much as you can and socialise. Talking is the best therapy I know. I am here also if you would like to chat..we are all on the same road together on this long and painful journey...So let's link arms and join each other in friendship along the the way. Thinking of you, Hugs, Diana...

Hi Marie, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. My husband has been gone 10 weeks yesterday and I miss him so much it hurts. I am living alone now too and I do not like it. I long just to be able to come home and snuggle up on the couch with Brian and kiss him goodnight. This is so hard for all of us. I have found comfort here, and I hope that you will too. We will all get through this together.
Susan

Hi Marie
I really feel for you, I lost Alex 7 days ago, and I feel so lost.

Hi, Marie, reading your post reminds me of my first months after my husband died. I was sure I would not be able to cope and survive. All i could do was cry, and I felt each new day and all that had to be done as simply impossible. Besides, I just didn't want to have to live like this. I felt paralysed, but I held on to the thought that my husband wanted to live so much that he would not have wanted me to live in such a state of despair, he would have wanted me to live as best as I could.
At first, that thought was what kept me going, then I found this site and I began to see that what I felt was normal. Please know that little by little things get easier, and we begin to work our ways out of our holes. It's painful, but we can do it. Hang in there! Hugs from Sil

Marie,
All of us feel the same way. Lots of the wonderful people on this site are further along.....I am 3 1/2 weeks into this awful, terrible, horrible process. It still hurts to breathe....but coming to this site does help. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is like some terrible emotional roller coaster ride that my husband's death purchased the ticket for........and I don't know how or when this will stop......I only know that I want OFF this horrible ride. Others have told me "someday" things will get better. Only God knows when. Take care of yourself.
Dianne

I am new to this site and my husband just died on Christmas but I totally relate to how you feel. Jim and I both had 30 yr first marriages that were not very happy and we were both divorced by our spouses and were incredibly lonely. A few years later we met on Match.com and we lacked a week being together seven years. He was the love of my life and we had an incredible time together 24/7 and the love I feel for him is beyond explanation. You are deifinitely not alone in the way you feel and i have no idea how long this will last and I would give or do anything to get over this horrid feeling. I am also in a support group which does help some and I have indcredible support from family and friends but nothing replaces the sound of his voice or the touch of his hand in mine. I will include you in my prayers.