Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Nicker07 02/11/2011

I am feeling guilty that I am going to memorial service for my friend who lost his life in horse accident, today is his memorial service. I feel I should be there for his wife but I am just too emotional and upset.

ONE) Him being gone has been a shock or reshock so am not holding my emotions real great.

TWO) Rogers sons signed the paperwork yesterday after giving them a 72 hr notice. It should relieve me but has me tied up in knots cause now they come here and get the stuff.

Three) my bathroom floor is rotted & unexpected I have to replace before I can go on....more $$$$'s. The man who will help me for free has limited time so can only come today @11 I feel I need to take care of it for me first. Yet I feel so guilty about it.

I feel like I am making excuses I called her told her I would come once the rush of people go away

deleted_user 02/11/2011

i think it is brave of you to relaize your own limits and know that is not a place for you at the moment. Callin and going by later is a sign you do care. Remember, you cant take care of others until you are able to take care of you. I was unable to visit my aunt in hospital where my hubby was for two weeks berfore he died in route to hospice. I was honest with my family and they were understanding. His wife will, unfortuneately know exactly where you are coming from , in her time too. Take care and dont be so hard on yourself, the world will be hard enough on you.

deleted_user 02/11/2011

I don't think that you or any of us should feel guilty during this horrible time. We are hurting and it is hard to try to do anything that will give us more pain. Don't push yourself into doing something that will take a toll on you.
You are important and your needs are important. Good friends and family should understand why you do what you need to do for you. Judith

deleted_user 02/11/2011

Sorry you are feeling so bad about this; however, from personal experience, you will be able to help his widow more at a later time. At the service there are so many folks it's just a blur. Later when you are one-on-one, she will remember that you were there, etc. Just my thoughts.

Deborah

deleted_user 02/12/2011

I agree with what Deborah said - you will be there for her later, without the crush of many people. My best friend (for 40 years) could not make it to my husband's funeral as her own husband was in the hospital. She came and stayed with me a month later and it was so much more helpful to me. don't be guilty, we all need to understand and honor our limitations.
Linda

deleted_user 02/12/2011

Don't feel guilty. Go be there for his wife afterwards, when all the friends have moved on. That's when it counts.

IClaimTheCross 02/12/2011

I'm sure she will understand.....and most likely you will be there for her for the most important part...... the afterwards. It took me almost 8 mos. before I dared and only becuase she was a close friend. I made it in to say hello and offer my sympathy...... a total of two minutes and I had to run.... I was losing it. At some point you'll find you can do it......still cry, but not go to pieces. These things never become easy, only do-able.

deleted_user 02/12/2011

YOur friend will understand. If you can send flowers or make a memorial donatoin and send a card.

ONe of my friends MIL passed away about 6 weeks after Frank and I thought I could hold up for going to the visitation. WRONG!! It was at the same funeral home and I was a crying mess within 10 minutes of ariving. I tried to hold it together but there was no way...so I left. She understood!

About 4 months afterwards, another frineds father apssed away and I went to the visitation. I thought there had been enough healing time that I could handle it. It was in a different funeral home and that helped. I did manage to stay a bit longer but it was still rough on me. But, I did it.

Small steps.

Take them as you can.

deleted_user 02/12/2011

I truly think she will understand...she now walks where you have. It will be the days following where she will need your comfort the most. I am sorry your having such a rough time...~blessings~

Nicker07 02/12/2011

Thank You all of your comments helped me feel much better, I did know I felt I could be there later but just wrestling with the feelings.
Your comments did help me....I thank you all

Patswife 02/13/2011

I think you did the right thing, she will need you more when everyone has gone, we all know that feeling. You do need to look after yourself. Hugs, Wendy

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