I am so sorry. Lost my father to suicide. I really do hope you make a connection on here with someone like you said....that gets what you are feeling.

Mypal,
In addition to this group, there is also a group here on DS specifically for those who have lost loved ones through suicide. This is the link:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Affected-By-Suicide/support-group

Wishing you peace . . .

mypal,

I lost my wife to suicide in 2009 after being with her for 28 years. Though I seldom post here, on another website for widows and widowers I have written many hundreds of times on the subjects of mental illness and suicide. One thing I always try to point out to others who lost their spouse to suicide is this:

"The psychological trauma of the survivor of suicide (SOS) of a loved one is classified among the most extreme that a person may ever experience. And this is made even worse when that suicide is of one's spouse, whose death is ranked as the single most emotionally stressful event in an adult's life."

So it is truly an accomplishment that you have been able to find a measure of peace in your life at this point. For many of us SOS, it often takes a good deal longer to make such progress.

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

I lost my husband to suicide 9/8/09. He had become depressed after a minor illness, that he thought was major. He lost over 20 lbs, in a few months, quit exercising, to save his strength for work. He shot himself, in our back yard, the day he had an appointment to see oncology. All his tests, showed nothing. Such a waste. We were married for 38 years. He was never diaganosed, with depression, his whole life, but had a brother bi-polar and a mother that suffered from depression her whole life. Looking back, I think, he tried to hide it very well. No one would have thought he could do anything like this. I have a large family, that has helped. I found a suicide support site online, for the first year, came here, later. I attended 2 different support groups and only came across 1 other widow, that lost her husband to suicide. I did join a suicide support group for a while, but it was mostly mothers of sons. I came here, to learn how to start living again. In the first year, all I did was work, come home and just survive. I still live in the same house, never left, my daughter and son came and stayed with me, for a week. I think I distracted myself, a lot in the beginning, I just wanted normal. I went back to work, a week later, crying most of the time, but it did get better. The worst times, were driving home from work, knowing I would be alone. They say, losing a spouse this way, adds 10 years to their life, and I did look rough the first year. I tried counseling twice. When she wanted to hynotize me, I didn't go back. I still don't dream, after 5 years. The consuelor told me, it was my brains way of protecting me.

I'm sorry you have to walk this road. It is harder I think, but I never want to say, I've had it worst, than anyone else. We all lost, our future, our life, as we knew it. Good luck, and keep on, keeping on.

Paula

Dearest Mypal . . .

I am so very sorry for your loss and the circumstance of your loss. I echo everyone's sentiments posted before me. Although I did not lose my spouse to suicide, I've lost other family members and friends. It is beyond hard to wrap the mind around such a tragic end of a beautiful life.

I simply wanted you to know that my sincerest condolences, prayers and thoughts are with you. Be strong . . you are a survivor! xo Dayna

To all of you, thank you for the support. To Wifeless your quote is so on target. To Deauxgirl, thank you for sharing your story and to Bandiblue thank you for the additional group. Although I am new to this site, I have found much comfort.

We cannot understand but know this: Your loved one was met on the other side with unconditional love and no judgement. So here too, no judgement - there is no way you are to blame either, so don't think the if onlys.....Some day you will both find answers. We here feel your pain
((Soft hugs))