Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Thanks everyone for your input. It helps. Here's an update:
You know the sad part about this is that if he were someone I was married to or dating, I would walk out that door and not look back. But a father is another thing.
I called my aunt and others who all say he hasn't changed. That he's always been this way. My aunt remember him holding a gun to my grandmother's head when I was about 5. I remember him doing that to my mother when I was 7. It's not dementia.
He's like two people. There's the gentle him that's kind and charming, that will give you the shirt off his back. But then this other person appears. I'm reading a book now about a woman facing the same problem. She called her father Jeckle and Hyde. It's an actual physical change in the way the person looks(the eyes). I'm nervous just thinking about it.
In the case of this woman, her father had guns in the house. So does mine. I'd like to get him some help, but legal channels are closed. He's got to actually do something before I can ask for help. As it is, he threatened my husband's life about 4 years ago. I had to stop him from using his gun by throwing myself in the line of fire.
He's mentioned hurting the next door neighbor, but no mention of guns. Meanwhile, I can't get the guns out of the house. He's hidden them. He appears normal and charming with strangers, so I can forget getting someone to believe me.
So, I walk, and a lose cannon is out there with no one to control him. I stay and I'm a dead woman.
You know the sad part about this is that if he were someone I was married to or dating, I would walk out that door and not look back. But a father is another thing.
I called my aunt and others who all say he hasn't changed. That he's always been this way. My aunt remember him holding a gun to my grandmother's head when I was about 5. I remember him doing that to my mother when I was 7. It's not dementia.
He's like two people. There's the gentle him that's kind and charming, that will give you the shirt off his back. But then this other person appears. I'm reading a book now about a woman facing the same problem. She called her father Jeckle and Hyde. It's an actual physical change in the way the person looks(the eyes). I'm nervous just thinking about it.
In the case of this woman, her father had guns in the house. So does mine. I'd like to get him some help, but legal channels are closed. He's got to actually do something before I can ask for help. As it is, he threatened my husband's life about 4 years ago. I had to stop him from using his gun by throwing myself in the line of fire.
He's mentioned hurting the next door neighbor, but no mention of guns. Meanwhile, I can't get the guns out of the house. He's hidden them. He appears normal and charming with strangers, so I can forget getting someone to believe me.
So, I walk, and a lose cannon is out there with no one to control him. I stay and I'm a dead woman.
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
His words are in the category of abuse. Unfortunately in this life you have to make the choice of not accepting abuse. And you certainly especially in this time of your life need any abuse not that you deserved or needed at any time but now is especially cruel.
Please take care of yourself, I know it must be hard to walk away from a father but biological father does not always mean daddy.
I wish you the best.
Paula
I agree with Paula and have been wondering if he's ever been to see a mental health professional. He may be bipolar, at least from your description, it sounds like it. Can you check on the 72 hour hold where he's evaluated for mental health issues? Then if he goes in then perhaps the guns can be removed from the home.
Certainly, I don't know the answer but I'll pray for you and him.
So sorry that you are dealing with this. Here's a link that may provide some comfort.... at least I hope it does.
http://www.lightsource.com/ministry/born-to-succeed/
So I'm stuck. I bought a book by a woman going through the same problem with her father. Her father even tried to strangle her to death, and still the law wouldn't do anything.
Add to the fact that the US has laws that protects elders. This poor woman almost ended up in jail for trying to protect herself.
So basically, the next time a mentally deranged person comitts a crime, consider that they had family who were powerless and simply gave up and walked away.
That's what I have done. It's a living death.
I'll check out that website.
That's why many get arrested etc, we simply cannot control what is going on - it's like being high on speed or PCP (and at the biological level that's possibly not far from the truth) - you simply cannot turn off the chemicals in your brain.
If anything it seems more like a Personality Disorder, but that's a complete stab in the dark - they do have an element of self control for survival when needed that bIpolar people do not have.
As you've already said, unless he is a danger to himself or others the state will not intervene. Even if they do and he gets a diagnosis forcing people to take treatment is at best temporary.
I think attempting to do something about him is a lost cause. You need to work, as I know you have been atempting, on how you deal with this.
The maintaining boundaries thing was a good start but I can see that only works if he sort of obeys the rules too, which he clearly doesn't.
I wish I could think of something more positive, it maybe that withdrawal is the best option and again clearly that is something you will find difficult.