My husband passed away April 17 2010. He was only 43 and we were married 22 years. I think I would be dealing a little bit better if he was 73, 83, 93, not 43. I would never had thought at 40 years old I would be alone. I miss him so much. I want the world to stop. I want to stay in bed all day and night, holding his coat and crying. How do I get a grip and get on with life?

I can remember when my grandfather died. He and my grandmother had been married over sixty years. When I stupidly tried to console her by saying that they were lucky to have had all those years together.....I remember her answer so clearly. She said "Yes honey, but it wasn't enough." I think that sums it up well. There is never enough time however long the marriage lasts. We are NEVER ready to give up our loved ones.

At to why widows don't talk about their loss .... I think you will find as I have ... people don't really want to hear about it. So I paste a stupid smile on my face and always answer "OK" when people inquire how I am doing. What I really want to do is grab them and tell them my world is changed forever and I hate it and I would gladly give my own life for just another second with Jim, that I am agonize over the loneliness and am scared to death of the long years looming ahead...but I don't....they just don't want to hear it.....

I don't think it matters how old a person is when they lose a spouse it is still a horrific experience. My husband was 59 and even if he were 69 or 79 I don't think the pain would have been any different. A lot of the elder people lose their spouse and lose interest in living all together and some die within months of each other because life is just to much to bear. Look at Johnny Cash and his wife June. He died 4 months after she did.
I also think that the generations from the past didn't show their emotions as much because it just wash't as acceptable as it is now.
Whether is be "Normal" to lose a child, spouse etc in the past I still don't believe it was any easier to deal with it. I think circumstances just made it seem that way.

Do you really think that they dealt with death that differently? My grandmother, I know, would never seek me out to speak about my grandfathers passing because she had her friends/peers, family,etc.

I do think the way we support each other and our support systems have changed dramatically over the decades. There are many people who live a distance from family or friends. And I mean no offense when I say this but my grandmother would have never turned on the computer and go to a site to get support. My mothers family would all get together at grandma/grandpa's house every Sunday for lunch. Now we are lucky if we can meet for a halloween party once a year. Big difference in support!

Do we seek out the comfort and advise from our elders who have walked the path we walk? Do they feel welcome to support us or do they feel they would interfer in our fast paced lives thinking we have it all together? My mom always says that she wishes she would have known to do even half of the things I know to do. Although I think she sells herself short in this area, the simplicity she indirectly refers to makes me think. (lol). Maybe the generations before us thought about what they should do and then did it. Maybe we spend to much time thinking about what we think we should do about it, before we do it.

Katherin Hepburn , God love her!

My Mom and Dad were married a month shy of 58 years when he passed. He was 84, she was 80. The grieving was no different for her than it has been for me. I told her at the time she still had me and she said it wasn't the same. She had been with Dad most of her life and she had lost her right arm. Wise woman she was, also said that I would not understand until it (God forbid) happened to me. Mom loved her life, her children and her grands, but she wanted nothing more than to be with Dad. He was her one and only, and she made it known that there would not be another. Mom vowed that even in her 50's. She passed two years after Dad, due to injuries from a fall. And yes, we witnessed Dad coming back for her.

Mom, I know full well how you felt but neither of us imagined at that time that I would be widowed in my 50's.

I promised my DH that I would enjoy every day in his honor and he would be proud of me, but if my time is up tomorrow, I'm ready.

My mother is 91 and has been a widow for 18 years.She has missed my dad ever since he died.She often tells me that she never imagined that she would ever be left on her own,growing old without her husband.
At the beginning she was terrible,she never slept in the bed again,instead she slept downstairs on the couch,she cried constantly,she did,t want to live in the house by herself anymore,so 10 months later we found her a flat in sheltered acommodation.She had all of her family to talk to,but over the years she has stopped talking about her grief,she now says that we should let the dead rest in peace,so maybe this is her way of finally accepting.
My mother comes from a large lrish catholic family,her mother,father and their relations all came over to Liverpool in the l900 hundreds.She has told me that when she was younger and someone died,it was natural for relatives and friends to gather round,and everyone always found some way or another to give a helping hand.The whole community provided strong spiritual,emotional and practical support.l find it very different now in our modern society,were the community spirit in some parts just doesn,t exsist.l often think that if we had this support,then the grief might not be so prolonged.But this doesan,t happen now,we have people turn up for the funeral,then disappear from our lives,so we find our own support from other sources,such as this site.
l think everyone who loses someone grieves,it doesan,t matter how old you are,to me loss is loss,and we all react in the same way,its just some people cope better,or keep it inside,while others need to talk,so they have counselling.
We are all different,but l do think alot of my mothers generation,were stronger,l think because they had such hard lives,and their mothers before them,they had to cope,they seen death everyday,especially during the war years,so death became natural.

Alice

I guess it comes down to the old adage of "the stiff upper lip". My aunt is 91 and lost her husband due to a car accident 39 years ago. When I saw her after Mike died she said " it's not very nice is it..but what are you going to do about it? Just keep on going" She is a lovely lady and although her comments may seem a bit hard, that is the way she sees it.

My thoughts? No matter how many, or few years you had with your spouse, the hurting, the loss, and the grief are similar. My mom had come home from her 2nd brain tumor operation. Three weeks later, my dad died of a massive stroke. I remember her saying to me, "I don't feel the same." At the time, I thought it was because of her brain tumors. Only recently did it occur to me (light bulb going on!) that she was talking of her widowhood. I don't know how the hell she dealt with it. I don't know how the hell I'm dealing with it. It helps, tremendously, to be able to talk here. What did she do? She talked, too, it just wasn't via computer, I guess. I just wish I could talk to her now. Now, I get it, mom. Hugs, Marsha

There are 2 other women widowed at my work. Both are in the 70's. One lost her husband 3 years ago and the other 16 yrs ago. We do talk about different things now and then when something sparks up a conversation. By the end we are all teary eyed. So even after 3 yrs or 16 yrs..it still brings some hurt to the surface and they both miss their husbands as much as me and I am only 6 months in. I do think it's not that they wouldn't want to talk about it, or just put on a smile and move on..I do believe the older generation was brought up to grieve in private so many of them find it hard to talk as freely as we can. I also have 3 aunts who are widowed, 2 for 20 yrs and 1 for 5yrs. they are all in the 60's now but 2 of them were in the same situation as me, under 40 with teen children. I do talk with them and even after 20yrs they can find their way back to where I am today and they remember it all. They road they have traveled have been long and none of them have every remarried, only one has dated on and off the other two like me, have no interest. But I really do know they all grieve as we do but like I said, maybe a little more privately then we do. It really doesn't matter how long you were with someone its a loss a major part of your life has been ripped from you and now your left to figure out the future on your own without your partner which as we all know all to well is not an easy road and it is lonely and scary at times no matter what our age may be. Shelly

I think the grief must be extremly hard if you've been married a long time, perhaps most of your life. My father suffered greatly when Mom died as they'd been married over fifty years but met as young teenagers.

My grandfather died suddenly at 97 years of age a month after their 75 th Wedding Anniversary. At the time of his death my grandmother - also 97 - was in the hospital with a pneumonia. The doctors had told my grandfather, they didn't expect her to survive, two hours after he collapsed and died. My grandmother recuperated, nobody knew how to tell that gramps had died, my father decided to tell her that they had sent him to the USA to visit their youngest daughter. At first she didn't believe them, she didn't think he would go knowing she was so sick. My dad told her he hadn't been aware because they had arranged the trip before the doctors suspected she was that sick. She accepted their reasoning for a few days, but when he didn't call her she knew something was absolutely wrong. At last they had to tell her, when they did she kind of shut down, the woman that was always so full of life, expressive and caring, went completly blank. She stop talking, eating, she lost the will to live. Three months after my gramps we were burying her.

He died when he found out she may die and she lost the will to live when she found out he was dead.

My grandfather died suddenly at 97 years of age a month after their 75 th Wedding Anniversary. At the time of his death my grandmother - also 97 - was in the hospital with a pneumonia. The doctors had told my grandfather, they didn't expect her to survive, two hours after he collapsed and died. My grandmother recuperated, nobody knew how to tell that gramps had died, my father decided to tell her that they had sent him to the USA to visit their youngest daughter. At first she didn't believe them, she didn't think he would go knowing she was so sick. My dad told her he hadn't been aware because they had arranged the trip before the doctors suspected she was that sick. She accepted their reasoning for a few days, but that didn't last very long. At last they had to tell her, when they did she shut down, the woman that was always so full of life, expressive and caring, went completly blank. She stopped talking, eating, she lost the will to live. Three months after we buried gramps we were burying her.

He died when he found out she may die and she lost the will to live when she found out he had died.

My mother-in-law lost her husband at 78 after 50 years of marriage in 2007. Her grief is just as great as mine..... and my husband died at 51.

She has also lost both of ther children. One in March 2007 and, my husband, in April 2010.

Can you imagine the grief of loosing your husband and both children within 2.5 years! I don't see how she gets out of bed in the morning. But she does.

She's incredible.

My parents were married for 43 years when my father died from cancer. I had been with both of them every day during his illness, and I did my best to help my mother by spending time with her or at least phoning her almost every day afterwards for years. She talked with me to some extent about her loss, but not much. I think it was to protect me and my 5 siblings, she knew we were all suffering. Also, my first son - the first grandson in the family - was born 100 days after my father's death. My mother liked concentrating on her new grandbaby and was constantly saying how when my son did this or that that he was being "just like his Granddaddy" or how much she wished "his Granddaddy were here to see this." That was how she shared it publicly. But I know she missed him always.

We have a granddaughter who was 4 when DH passed away. Thirteen months after DH's death, another granddaughter was born. My son and DIL had said no more children but changed their minds. She is a joy and takes my mind off of things. I keep her 2 or 3 days a week as her mother went part-time after she was born. DH and the first grand were so close I just wish he could have known this one too. She's wonderful.