Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
It will be five years next month that my husband...died...there, I said it....and in some ways it seems like 500 years and yet it seems like 5 seconds. I can't say time has healed my wounds....just allowed me to figure out how to exist in a world without the one person I've ever allowed myself to trust with my heart.
It's not like I'm all alone...I have family who love me, a job where I've worked for over 30 years, and people who seem to care. Yet I still feel so alone, so lonely, and kind of angry (which then feels like selfishness, quickly followed by guilt).
I've heard that doing good helps, but maybe I'm just tired. I work full time, help my dad who, although is very active and sprite and spunky for 86 still needs my help; I help my daughter who, although very capable, needs me to help watch my beautiful grandson after work so that she can work; I am on Boards, Planning Committees, involved in community theater, volunteer in other community events, and take on many leadership roles where I work. Don't get me wrong...it's not that I mind doing those things...I love to be helpful and useful, especially to those who care about me or who need my help. What I wonder is why I don't have a sense of fulfillment after all that. Really sometimes all I want to do is stay home and hide under the covers of my bed; but when I stay home my mind wanders, which almost always ends in my crying myself to sleep. So I fill my mind and work my body in the hopes that I'll be tired enough to actually sleep through the night. I can't believe at this point I still feel like it's hopeless...I'm hopeless...that this is the way I'll feel probably till the day I die. There, I whined enough for now. Thank you for 'listening.'
It's not like I'm all alone...I have family who love me, a job where I've worked for over 30 years, and people who seem to care. Yet I still feel so alone, so lonely, and kind of angry (which then feels like selfishness, quickly followed by guilt).
I've heard that doing good helps, but maybe I'm just tired. I work full time, help my dad who, although is very active and sprite and spunky for 86 still needs my help; I help my daughter who, although very capable, needs me to help watch my beautiful grandson after work so that she can work; I am on Boards, Planning Committees, involved in community theater, volunteer in other community events, and take on many leadership roles where I work. Don't get me wrong...it's not that I mind doing those things...I love to be helpful and useful, especially to those who care about me or who need my help. What I wonder is why I don't have a sense of fulfillment after all that. Really sometimes all I want to do is stay home and hide under the covers of my bed; but when I stay home my mind wanders, which almost always ends in my crying myself to sleep. So I fill my mind and work my body in the hopes that I'll be tired enough to actually sleep through the night. I can't believe at this point I still feel like it's hopeless...I'm hopeless...that this is the way I'll feel probably till the day I die. There, I whined enough for now. Thank you for 'listening.'
Don't be afraid to sit down with the (emotional) demons. It hurts a lot, I know. But it's also a catharsis sometimes to let your mind go there, to cry and rage, to remember. I'm worse when I don't let it come, and don't let it out. I know it sounds simplistic, but today's the only day you have to live. Tomorrow hasn't come yet. Hell, after I get up at 4:00 am, I think, you know what? I'm vertical and I'm drinking coffee. It's a good start already. Well, that, plus I'm thinking, no sane person goes to work at 4:30 am, lol. It's not hopeless. You're not hopeless. And you're NOT whining. Hugs, Marsha
I personally think if we had a certain someone in our lives things would be better. But who knows for sure.
Hugs,
JoAnn
It sounds like you are still searching for something to make your life worthwhile. Granted your family needs you and it's great that you can help and the boards and committees I/m sure appreciate your help, but none of that seems to get you where you want to be. . You miss your husband and that relationship which was the kind of satisfaction you are not finding in all your busy activity. I am not even 2 months into this grieving process but I am quite sure at 5 years I will feel just as you do. I think you are just trying to run from the emptiness and at the end of the day it doesn't work. I don't think you are whining at all just telling your self the truth of how you feel. I think we will miss our husbands until we see them again and that is ok. Maybe you should do some charity work for yourself, like finding an activity that takes care of you and no one else. Let your mind rest when it needs to and take time to do things that you may be able to enjoy if only for a short time. When you are tired go home and cry if you need to or until you are so exhausted you can't help but sleep. Grieving may never end for you as I feel it will never end for me either. We will just learn to get through each day as best we can and take the few small joys that come our way and hope to see our husbands in god's house.
I know, I have a tendency to want to keep busy and let life just go on.
I too have a wonderful family and caring people surrounding me.
I am just 4 months into grieving the loss of my husband.
All the people on this forum keep writing about, putting the work into grieving. I cherish all their advice. I know, Martha, Sharon,Marsha, Gerald, all stress the importance of taking the time to feel your grief.
I know for you, it has been 5 years since you lost your beloved husband. I wonder if you have actually allowed yourself to go through your grief. Now you are feeling so empty, in spite of your full life.
I truly believe you haven't given yourself the time and the gift of grieving for your husband. Do you think that is possible?
I believe you can clutter your life with busyness to avoid the emotions you have to release in order to move forward. Just my humble opinion.
Love, peace joy and hugs to you,
Sandra
Some good advice from the others. Do you write? Keep a journal of sorts? Just to put down your feelings and thoughts. Putting them down on paper, is a way of letting go, a tool to help you release those sad, angry, or hurt feelings. Out of your body and into the page - then you can burn it or throw it away.
I am just reaching out to others now. Was shaking in my protective shell far too long, but have just joined a Ladies social club. It does help me to be with people (I'm retired) and I feel my energy lift as I exchange ideas and sip coffee with friends.
I still have a hole in my heart, however, that only hubby can fill.
Sending hugs your way. Hope you find peace of mind today.
all I can say is, you aren't alone.
My calendar has different things penciled in, but my feelings are like carbon copies of yours.
I've been starting to think about what I want my future to be, know I need to make it something different, something hopefilled and hopeful - but for now, just trying to hang in.