My husband was fond of saying, "Pick the hills your willing to die on." Meaning, you can't make an issue out of everything or no issue is important. And getting a teenager to clean their room is a battle you will never win.

Shut the door on her room and forget about it. It's making you crazy and giving her the fuel she wants to feed her teenage angst. Just let it go.

As for their not helping around the house, I would suggest you stop doing for them. You take care of you. These are not young children we're talking about here, they are young adults. If they don't want to help cook dinner, cook for yourself and let them go hungry. They won't starve.

If they won't help with the laundry, let them go dirty. If they refuse to do anything you ask and except you to hand them money to go out with their friends, just say, "No, can't do that." and turn and walk away.

Scream and yell all you want out of their sight, but remain calm when they can see you.... it will totally throw them off. It's hard to carry on an argument with somebody when they won't take part in the fight.

From one mother to another, hang in there. They do eventually grow up.

I'd be having a huger problem with your daughter's attitude and treatment of you than I would with her room. I guess you can't ask her to move out at only 16, but I'd sure be figuring out what kind of tough love to apply in this situation. You're putting a roof over her head and food on her table and she's treating you like crap.

Hugs, Gail

Dear Mgould,

first of all I am sending you a hug, and want you to know I have been in your shoes, and it will get better.

After my husband died I was left to raise 3 daughters by myself, they were 9,11 and 14 at the time. A counselor told me after their Dad's death that I would see behaviors out of them that I would never imagine as they themselves went through the grief process. She was right. I took them all to counseling, and grief groups and tried to give them all the tools they needed to work through the loss of their Dad. I knew I couldn't take away their pain, they had to walk down the grief road themselves.

Things were overwhelming for me, trying to run the house, and figure out how to fix things when they became broken, or whom to call for help, as with the cars also. Working full time, taking care of the 3 of them, I often wondered back then if I was merely existing to be a taxi driver, care giver, jack of all trades and master of none. What about me I used to think, will this get any better, and does anyone in the world get that I am doing this huge thing by myself? Who is going to back me up when things go wrong with the kids?

My middle daughter hit a big bump in the road when she was 15. They are angry about losing a parent and the anger was very apparant with her, she had no control over what had happened in her life, besides being in the wonderful teenage years angst. I was at work one day when the Police called me and told me she had been arrested, this was another kind of hell to go through, none of which I had ever experiened before as a Mom, my heart broke for her.

Through all of this I found good friends to confide in, I tried to find time for myself every once in a while, I kept my faith in God, and I was consistent with rules, and continued seeking help for her and her sisters. I would often tell her when she would run away and come back home, and in other situations too that no matter what I loved her and I wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't giving up on her.

When people would make rude remarks to me about my parenting, or my choices with the kids, I would sift through the crap and keep the kind words closest to my heart There were times that comments from relatives were extremely painful, they didn't live with the situations that were going on and didn't see the whole picture. I had to pick my battles and work on the ones that were the most urgent with the kids. I learned after a while to trust my instincts and learned whom I could call for advice or help when I needed it. Besides losing my husband this has been the hardest thing to go through seeing your kids in pain.

I tell you all this, because 2 1/2 months ago my youngest just graduated from High School, the oldest one graduated from college a year ago, and the middle one is on her own, working with disabled adults and is successful. I never thought I could live through it all, I never dreamed I could do it on my own, but I am proof that it can happen, and it will for you too. Don't give up, keep going it will get better. Come here often and post, this is a community of understanding and compassionate people that do get what you are going through. I hope this helps you.

I wish you peace, God Bless You,

fishermansgirl

Yeah, move the kids in with your mom.

Marilyn,

Very good advice from Pam and Gail. You have to regain some control over you, your household, and your emotions. Don't play their game. The respect portion of your post is disturbing for it's obvious that it is pulling you down emotionally; of course it would. It's too much to deal with while trying to hold a complete family unit on your back. Your daughter must remain in the home; however, is your son old enough to get a place of his own or share an apartment with another? If he is, then he's definitely old enough to help you with the responsibilities of maintaining the home in payment for living in your house. If he can't see or understand this concept, then some tough love is in order I would think.

Would it be possible to get some counseling regarding this situation? A church, Hospice, or Center for Women may be available with little to no fee involved. You need someone to unload on who can offer wise counsel.

I'm sorry that your mother is not emotionally available to you regarding family matters. As hard as it may be to do, it may be wise to not involve her in these issues. If she can't be a help, then you don't need additional criticism. Don't give up. You are the parent; you have the authority. TJ

Mgould, i am so sorry that you're going through all of this teenage rebellion and the grandparent cover-up syndrome. Don't keep working yourself up, in the long run it isn't worth it. While I would be extremely bothered with my daughter's attitude (my was 16 at one point), her acting out is just excasberating how you feel in general with all the hurt you are carrying around. I agree with the others -- close her door. You stop cleaning, washing, cooking or anything that is for her -- until they start realizing what mom has been trying to say. Please take care of yourself. p.s. don't fight with your mother, look backwards and see your own daughter. LOL

I am sorry you have deal with your daughter this way especially going through everything else. Barrys sister is going through the same as you with her kids. Her husbanddied 8 months before her brother. Her kids have bad attitudes and she is learningto be tougher , God bless you, Ellen

I have 6 grown children and yes there were times I just wished they would clean their room. My mom said to stop worrying about it. Shut the door. Also your kids are old enough to do their own laundry, cook their own meals and clean up after themselves. First things first, buy groceries for everyone but only make meals for yourself. If you want to eat out, do it without them. Do not give them ANY money. Buy the cheapest body wash, shampoo etc for them. Buy laundry detergent but do not do their laundry or any towels for them. Do not wash their sheets or remind them to do it.
If they want the creature comforts they are used to, make them earn them. Put your clean towels and your favorite snacks in your room and invest in a new doorknob that locks. I realize they are grieving too, so when they want to know what is going on just tell them that since they have all the answers you have decided to just let them do as they please and you will just be taking care of yourself. Now this one is tough. If they go out and get themselves in trouble with the law you have to step back and let them suffer the consequences of their actions. As my kids were growing up we discussed what was expected of them and what they could expect from me if they did the right thing. Even though they never got into trouble with the law, I did tell them that if they ever did not to call me for bail. If they did something to put themselves there they would have to figure it out on their own. The best piece of advice I was ever given was to always let them suffer the consequences of their actions. It may seem harsh but you would only be doing them a favor. If they have to go to school with dirty clothes, oh well. If they don't have a clean towel to dry off with, oh well. If they eat a lot of cold sandwiches, oh well. Only two things can happen, they will continue like they are or they will wake up and decide they want to be a family with you. I don't think I would ask your son to move out but I wouldn't provide for his personal needs like deodorant and such. No new clothes for either one. Make then earn everything they want. I told my kids they could have anything they want if they are willing to work hard enough for it. It worked. I have 6 self reliant responsible adults that are raising their kids the same way I raised mine. Now I have well behaved respectful grandchildren. No one, kids included should ever be able to reap more than they sow. Take care of yourself. You are NOT a doormat or a bank. You are their parent and you should be able to expect them to respect you. My prayers are with you and your kids. If you ever need an ear I am here for you. You may want to stop complaining to you mom. It doesn't sound like she is giving you the respect she should either. No mother should be having an argument with a daughter that just lost her husband. God bless you.

The kids have done their own laundry for years. My older son is much better than he was - and his girlfriend is fabulous - on the rare times she is here. My son is fed up with my daughter and thinks she has a terrible attitude (which she does) but does not want to get involved - which doesn't help. I have to admit that at this point my son is overwhelmed (work full time and school full time) but - he does not plan his time well and his girlfriend is top priority - and she lives 1 1/2 hrs away. It upsets me that he can't realize that I need more help and his attitude of "I'll do it later" drives me insane since he can argue with me for 15 min about something he could have finished in 2 min (like taking out garbage).

My mother has come around - I complain too much to her - but this is who I turn to. I think I really need to stop venting on her because I think it's getting to her and she's too old to have to deal with this. My daughter was like this somewhat when my husband was alive - I would not say it was much of a change.

I appreciate the comments and there was lots of helpful advice. I have stopped with the money, the cleaning, the buying of groceries, etc. The kids are never home for dinner - which is upsetting - but... We'll see how far this goes... If and when things turn around - I'll respond.

My middle son is great - so I did one thing right - but he's not home much anymore - especially since he is no longer driving. But - I'll hang in there and try to keep calm.

Hi, just happened on your journal entry. I am with Parmela. Really, I know the kids are going through a tough time but SO ARE YOU. And your mom should be with you not against you. My kids are all grown up and out of the house. There are 4 of them. But I also reached the point (but I was NOT widowed but got no support from my husband regarding disciplining kids) where I had enough so I WENT ON STRIKE. I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for them. Did not clean, cook, laundry. NOTHING. It was hard for me because I am a neat freak and it was almost impossible not to look at the mess. If they wore the same clothes to school for a week I ignored it. If they ate peanut butter and jam I ignored it. If they didn't bath I ingored it. But it worked. To this day my eldest daughter - now with 2 boys of her own - reminds me of my strike and says if her sons ever behaved like they did she would do the same thing. My other 3 are now all in their own homes with their other halves and can run households, manage the kids, cook, clean, work, 3 have their own businesses. EVERYTHING. It's called Tough Love. But often we don't exercise it because we can't stand the mess.
Hope it impoves.
O

I had some trouble with my daughter like this too. The yelling wasn't working. I stopped doing her laundry and one day she had no clean underwear. She was mad! Then there was no OJ or milk. She went off the deep end yelling at me. I explained to her it goes both ways. She eventually did her laundry. I warned her about her room. Told her if she did not clean it soon, it would be done for her. She gave me a lot of grief over it and said if I went into her room she would never forgive me. So my best friend came over with her friend, and they cleaned out the room. Everything went on the front porch except the furniture. Long story short, she got the message loud and clear. We both cried and made up. It has been so much better since. Grief affects them differently. I think they have more anger. I remember when my dad died when I was 19, and I remember being angry all the time. I hope this gets better for you. We all need a little peace and comfort

Yeah - I went on strike before I even wrote this - I've had it. As far as the room - I don't mind a little mess and people mention just close the door - but when it gets to where dishes are in the room and around the house and there aren't many glasses left that's a problem. A couple of times she left a drink in a cup so long the mold really smelled up the room. I was just asking for one thorough cleaning a year - including throwing out clothes she hasn't worn in years - she had all summer to do it.

Have you talked to the counselors at the school and asked if there is some where your daughter can go to and talk about what she is feeling Does she and your sons have anyone they can talk to I think there are groups for them Maybe when you come to Begin Again there might be some one with information for you to share with your children. I have a 26 year old son who is still with me and is room is a mess I just have to look the other way. He does his own laundry and buys some of his food. He helps with cutting the grass and when I have computer issues He also help with other things in the house when he is home.
We just have to remember it is hard on them when they are young to lose a parent and they have a lot of emotions to deal with. and their acting out is a way of coping most of the time their behavior is not to hurt you they are just having a hard time dealing with their emotions. As a parent I need to keep this in mind and just make sure I listen to them and acknowledge their feelings and remember that they have lost their father a man they looked up to and could alway talk to when they needed to and he is not there for them.