Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Mgould's post on Friends??? prompted my topic. This subject always hits a raw nerve with me. When my only sibling (a brother) died suddenly, my DH and I did everything we could to help my SIL. We helped when she needed extensive work done on a newly purchased house. We talked many, many times on the phone while she contemplated purchasing that house. We arrived with our truck and plenty of muscle to help her move 40 plus years of accumulation. We talked through how friends and the pastor had pretty much abandoned her and how hurtful that was as she transitioned into the role of a widow. I went on a road trip with her at the time of the 1st anniversary of my brother's death. We visited often, called often, always considered her needs at such a difficult timeafter all, she was family.
Things started cooling between us, and I was really confused about her actions. It was as though she wanted little to do with my brother's side of the family. Oh, there would be an occasional family thing, but it was pretty apparent that things were different. A couple of phone calls from her and no returned calls when I would leave a message. We continued to make efforts to be together, but there was always a reason that she couldn't join us (the best was that she had laundry to dolike it takes eons of time to push a button on the washer). Even when she started dating, I supported her whole-heartedly. To me, she was a jewel, and my brother was fortunate to have such a lovely and caring wife. What happened? Not sure!
When my DH died on that July afternoon (seven years after the death of my brother), I called my SIL to let her know. I was stunned when she acted like nothing earth shaking had happened. She had been there, done that, so I was bewildered by her reaction. It has gone rapidly downhill since then. Within the five years that my DH has been gone, she has called possibly two times. I call her to try and keep the lines of communication open. It is so hurtful when you have shared decades of living, shared the growing up years of our children, shared parents, shared my brother, and most importantly shared my love. I love her like a sister.
I apologize for being wordy, but the comments from lovingrob and MarineWidow in the post Friends??? made me sad and I got downright angry about such stupidity and callousness from family members. To think that lovingrob's sister hasn't cared enough to call but one time after the death of Rob, and that the in-laws of MarineWidow are treating her not just as a stranger but as an opponentit is incomprehensible AND SHAMEFUL. Family should be a stronghold for us when we are at our weakest point; a refuge where love is abundant. I guess I am shocked at how many posts I read that say the opposite. TJ
Things started cooling between us, and I was really confused about her actions. It was as though she wanted little to do with my brother's side of the family. Oh, there would be an occasional family thing, but it was pretty apparent that things were different. A couple of phone calls from her and no returned calls when I would leave a message. We continued to make efforts to be together, but there was always a reason that she couldn't join us (the best was that she had laundry to dolike it takes eons of time to push a button on the washer). Even when she started dating, I supported her whole-heartedly. To me, she was a jewel, and my brother was fortunate to have such a lovely and caring wife. What happened? Not sure!
When my DH died on that July afternoon (seven years after the death of my brother), I called my SIL to let her know. I was stunned when she acted like nothing earth shaking had happened. She had been there, done that, so I was bewildered by her reaction. It has gone rapidly downhill since then. Within the five years that my DH has been gone, she has called possibly two times. I call her to try and keep the lines of communication open. It is so hurtful when you have shared decades of living, shared the growing up years of our children, shared parents, shared my brother, and most importantly shared my love. I love her like a sister.
I apologize for being wordy, but the comments from lovingrob and MarineWidow in the post Friends??? made me sad and I got downright angry about such stupidity and callousness from family members. To think that lovingrob's sister hasn't cared enough to call but one time after the death of Rob, and that the in-laws of MarineWidow are treating her not just as a stranger but as an opponentit is incomprehensible AND SHAMEFUL. Family should be a stronghold for us when we are at our weakest point; a refuge where love is abundant. I guess I am shocked at how many posts I read that say the opposite. TJ
My other sister is retired. Lives about 15 miles away with her husband. She'll call every couple of months, but has only come over once since Scott died. I've been to her house a few times.
Just recently I found out she'd been to my little town twice, without even letting me know she was closeby.
Scott's family? Well, I'll never hear from his brother again. He didn't even come to the funeral. His mom and dad are dead.
My son's 500 miles away. I might as well move to Mexico...
Your reply is a lovely description of how family should brace one another during trials and crises. Our daughters and sons-in-law have been wonderful and also very supportive. I'm just at a loss to understand why some extended family members fade into oblivion when they were at one time an integral part of everyday life. It makes me all the more grateful for the faithful ones who are there for us through thick and thin. Bless them. TJ
And in our culture there seems to be an unspoken thought that associating with a survivor whose lost a spouse that your spouse may be next. Also, its a reminder to those who haven't lost someone near and dear to them that our lives are very fragile and we know not the hour or time of our demise but that is a certainty that we will all leave here.
Perhaps a possible solution is to let those close know the specific ways they can help you. Like, I really could use a friend (or family member) to help me sort through my husband's clothes. When are you available to help? Or I would like to go out for lunch sometimes, are you available? Sometimes people are truly at a loss for how to help but they want to. I know because I have been there myself.
My heart goes out to you that your SIL would be so thougthless and callous toward you. Especially after how your and your husband were there for her when your brother passed. Having no siblings that I grew up with I would loved to have such a close relationship as you've described with your SIL for decades.
IMO besides the Lord, loving family and friends are all we trully have to stand with us in times of adversity. For me, my church family has become my "real" family as I'm an only child.
Do you think that perhaps your SIL began to feel guilty when she started to date? Even though you were supportive maybe in her own mind she just felt bad. I don't know but there's a blessing in doing the best you can. I hope you have people in your life who are supportive of you.
For three weeks after the funeral, I called his Mom & Dad every other day to check in with them to see how they were doing. When I went back to work, I cut back on the calls but I sent them cards on Easter, Mother's Day, etc. Not once have they ever called my girls or me-either has his sister. They post all this crap on FB but that is it. So it is just my 3 daughters, their husbands. my Grandson, and me.