My dear Tim tomorrow is your heavenly birthday, but I feel today is more important. Today was the lst day I saw you alive. I miss you more than I ever thought possible.

It's strange what happened that fatefull night. We had dinner and you felt tired and laid down while I cleaned up. You usually did the clean up and when I woke you up to go to bed you were upset that I had to do the clean up by myself. I am sad you were upset with me and I tried to explain to you that I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you rest. I can't even remember what we had for dinner.

During the night I heard you make a snorting sound and thought to myself that was loud. but I did not want to disturb you as you weren't feeling well. Would things have been different if I would have tried to wake you? I felt your head at my left shoulder all night and when the alarm rang at 4:00am and you did not move I knew immediately it wasn't going to be good. I reached my hand over to touch your forehead and knew you were gone.

The past year has been full of firsts, have I mentioned how much I hate firsts. Upon reflection I can't say it has all been bad. I've learned so much about myself and the people around me, (friends and family) some good and some not so good. I realized that people do not know how interact with the survivors so they disappear from your life. Others can't figure out why your still grieving after all this time. While at the same time others have gone above and beyond what we would have imagined.

I learned that I can wallow in sef pity for days, weeks, even months. Feeling sorry for myself has consumed me at times. Like my first birhtday without you, I only got one card that was from your parents. Sure I got a few facebook messages, but it wasn't the same. Or last week for our 37th wedding anniversary, the kids got me flowers and we had a wonderful dinner, but no card or call from your folks. I can cry daily and even in public and not be embarassed, something I could never do before , you know my attitude was to never let them see you sweat (or in my case cry). I can put on a strong face and make people around me think I am okay even when I'm not.

I also found that I am capable to do just about anything I put my mind to. It may take me a long time to get it done, but I can do it. I still don't ask for help, I did a few times and was dissapointed by the response so now I don't anymore.

I am trying to be a kinder gentler person like you. I try to face the reality that you are no longer here but most of the time it is hard. I know that you are my guardian angel and I truly believe you are and will always be at my side.

I pray that heaven is everything we've been told it is because you deserve the best.

I love you and miss you more than I ever thought possible.