Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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oldcm 02/16/2015

Yep. He died on 01/16/2015 and today is 02/16/2015 -- 1 month. Seems both like forever ago and just a few minutes ago. During this month I have had him cremated and his cremains returned to me, rented an apartment in town, purchased new furniture for that apartment, turned the utilities on at the new place and off at the old place, and moved all of my stuff that I could from the old place to the new place. What I have not yet done is gotten used to living alone since we were together for 23 years. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I was 18 years older than he was and I was supposed to die first. As it happened at least I was able to take good care of him during his last 2-1/2 months when he was bedfast. He did not develop any bedsores. His last 3 days he was unresponsive to anything and anyone. And he lost so much weight because he was on a clear liquid died for 30 days. I am sure that this is an outcome that neither one of us would have chosen had we had a choice in the matter.

triquetra 02/16/2015

It's not fair OldCM we older ones are supposed to exit first. Losing our partners creates extra depth and complexity to our pain. We shared a special and intimate connection with them, and this relationship helped us define who we were. Losing them has literally ripped us apart on the inside. You were there for him when he needed you most and that to me is an ultimate expression of devotion. In all the chaos it sounds like you're moving along pretty well for someone so early into this dark journey.

valie 02/16/2015

I would echo Triquetra's comments OldCM, it does seem as though you are doing as well as anyone could moving through this awful swamp. I am reminded of something someone said to me shortly after my husband passed last August. She was quoting Winston Churchill and said "when you find yourself in hell, keep moving." I guess that is all we can do and I salute you for all you have done so far.

I know that it seems unfair when a younger partner passes before us, but I would add that I am 13 years younger than my husband and I cannot imagine the pain of his loss being any greater. Somehow "fairness" doesn't enter into any of this, does it? I am still struggling to make sense of so many things and trying, after almost 6 months, to accept that loss is part of life and that I can go on loving my husband "in separation." But frankly, it still stinks that we are here in this situation!

Sending you many good thoughts! -- Valie

ramar 02/16/2015

OLDCM I'm on week 3 so just a little behind you in our sorrow. I am staying in our home in the country. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to have all new surrounding and things. Then the answer is "no". It's not a place or things we are missing it's them, our loved one. Please know you are in my thoughts and hoping we all get through this horrible journey of loneliness..

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