WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS OF FAITH Community Group
A place where people of faith may freely discuss issues of grief from a faith based perspective.
FYI, I am hitting my 2 year mark of my husbands death after 41 yrs married.
He actually did suddenly die in bed with me, with no warning. I had to realize upon my awakening, and trying to wake him up, that he was gone.
It is very hard for me to handle my night dreams, because he is always still normally-alive in them. I am interacting with him, either by touch or verbally or both, then I wake up to the horrible reality that he is gone. My subconscious is completely unaware of my current knowlege or time-line.
It literally is so shocking, and waking up spirals me into grief.
It is Both like re-living his actual death, AND/OR as if my subconscious mind just hasn't caught up to the reality of him being gone. Depending on the dream. The thing is, my most recent dream was of him walking in our bedroom with me asleep, and he bumped into something which made a noise and startled me. The sound of my own voice awakened me, saying to him "What are you DOing over there?" So it was Not like re-living his death, but more "as if" my subconscious has not caught up to reality. but man, it sure does as I wake up.
It is devastating to wake up like this.
Is anyone far enough along this grief journey that your subconscious has caught up to reality? I fear that the rest of my life will consist of this stark awakening, over and over again, and it is hell. For me.
I posted in the regular WW forum first.
EVERY dream feels/seems as if it is the first. This is just so overwhelming to live with.
before the catalyst of my partner's death, i had for many years studied dream interpretation, and been blessed with "dreams" that felt to be more than merely a rehash of the events of the day, dramas watched on tv, or different food eaten before sleep :)..."dreams" that offered deep and spiritual insight about things once important in my life. And why shouldn't they really? what is conciousness, awake or asleep, otherwise?
It is said that sleep may offer an opportunity for spririt/ disembodied spirit/ or spirit guides to approach us more easily; our conscious guard is relaxed and would allow something that is otherwise too otherworldly and incomprehensible to make an impression without rational judgement constraining the mystery.
It is also posited that everthing/everyone/ in our dreams are a representation of ourselves alone, so even your passed husband is a reflection of a concern that is primarily you/ of you. That's not really so illusive when we accept that that's what waking reality is - even though we reach out and can pysically touch a thousand other beings...everything percieved and thought about those thousand other beings is filtered through ourselves and only ourselves. "one per box" it is in this lifetime...we come in alone and go out alone. truly. or is it?
the philosophical and spriritual questions then arise, and where it get's really meatty and wonderful, about the meaning of existence and co-existence, and where does love fit in? Is it all about the doing/ the material reality or is interpretation as meaningful? As some wise invisibles' have advised: "it's not what happens to us here, but it's what we think about it."
i'm sure that's not what you want to know! you want to know, like i wanted to know, whether you are going mad, and if it will ever get better?!
let me assure you as assuredly as i can, that YES, it will get "better"...you will at least reach a point where the two jarring realities of your sleep and your waking become more seamless and your spirit will likely come to some acceptance of these two very earth shattering and life altering (literally) occurences in your life that have you psychically and sprititually and indeed wakingly - dis-eased right now. YOU WILL, poor dear love!
and let me suggest you will make leaps - gratyfiying, blessed, leaps in peace - if you do as was reminded & suggested here to me on daily strength by other members when i was so desperate-PRAY for guidance. Pray before you get out of bed, as soon as you open your eyes and the schism starts revealing itself to you. doesn't have to be a big production prayer - just talk to God - ask for his assistance in coping again. Please do this, and let us know how it goes! praying for you too!
nanne