Leah, Remember that scene from Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams is telling Matt Damon "it's not your fault". First softly and then louder and with more conviction until Matt Damon finally, truly believes it? I thought of that scene after reading some of these posts. Maybe if there is a tiny little voice inside you telling you it's not your fault let it get louder until you can truly believe it. Every single person on this planet could take better care of themselves and their loved ones. There are people that panic and freeze and don't call 911 right away or at all (still not their fault). It's interesting that listening to you I don't even ponder for a second "oh well, I guess it kinda was her fault" because to me, reading what you write, it so clearly is not. My hope for you is that one day you see the situation with more clarity (not clouded with such grief) and the guilt thing fades away. Personally I don't think God does much intervening. I don't want to offend anyone here but in my opinion God probably doesn't even consider death all that tragic. Life is suffering. Everyone suffers. The struggle is to try and find the joy (at least for me).

Deb30 thank you for your reply. I sent you a message. This post really made me think

Msbklyn, thank you for sharing your story. Its nice to know I am not the only one who prayed dilligently and who felt a bit let down by god. I sent you a private message. Thank you so much

Thanks and hugs to everyone who replied. Its nice to talk to people who understand and can share their story. It helps me gain new perspective

I totally understand your struggle with faith. I posted a long time a ago a post I called Dancing with the Devil. During the first 9 months of my grief journey I was so angry and more so hurt that God took my wife away and left me in such utter pain and despair. I had difficulty praying, and asked why a million times, and I lived in a very dark dark place where I just wanted to die. Did i feel his love and support at that time. No. And I had the devil whispering in my ear to end it all. It would be the easy way out he whispered even though it went against everything I morally believed in and would have left those who love me devastated. I never felt such a separation from God and it was truly a lonely place. I would scream out some nights in despair begging God to help me. Finally after 9 months of utter darkness I realized you eithier trust and surrender yourself to God or you dont believe. I had to get off the fence. I chose to trust even though I knew somethings I would never understand in this lifetime. Faith ultimately is about total surrender to our loving God. Was it a easy process. No. I worked at it every day, every month and continue to work at it years later. Ever so gradually over the years my faith in God strengthened, I grew more closer to him, and I found a internal peace I was so desperately looking for. Looking back now. I realize God never abandoned me. He walked quietly with me until I was ready to accept him again. And yes he carried me each time I fell into total despair. Your are a broken spirit my dear friend. God is the ultimate healer and he loves you so much. I want to send you a big hug.
I believe we will meet our spouses again someday but not in the context of husband and wife for there will be no reason for that relationship. We will be loving spirits in the kingdom of God. You will find internal peace again if you trust God to get you there. It is a long difficult journey with no short cuts. seek out support wherever it is available. That bitter journey I traveled brought me so much closer to God. What a incredible reward if we Keep our eyes on God regardless of what is going on in our personal life. God bless.

I kept telling myself and others that I did not have the power over life and death, but yet I believed that at the last minute He (God) would come through and do the miraculous. I knew when others gave up, including my late husband. I think I even half expected my pastor to try to raise him back up from the dead. Instead, they just whisked me away and took me out for breakfast. Like I had an appetite. Then I had to go back and spend the night alone in the house. I'm just feeling angry today, I can't figure out what my purpose in life is now, and no one seems to care. They're living their normal lives. I have taken some people off Instagram because who cares if they are in London, Cali, or Timbuktu having wild diversified adventures., While I am trying to figure out my future without a husband. I know we are not supposed to compare ourselves among ourselves, but this is just plain hard!

I think you said it better than I could. Why do people think you want breakfast or lunch after something like that?? Same thing happened to me. I sat crying in the restaurant and one of our mutual friends said, " well....at least it was quick" well...it wasnt quick! He suffered for an hour!! I was so upset. I still am. I struggle to find purpose and meaning . I struggle to get out of the bed. I should be grateful , i know ..but im not. I also expected God to do me a favor. Seems he never intervenes and well....that idea is upsetting in itself. My friend went to mexico last week with her husband. I didnt want to hear about the trip. It just makes me so sad. Im sick to my stomach over his death and i know....i shouldnt feel guilty..but i do. I could have saved him...i didnt and life will never be the same without him.
Hang in there she, know that i feel the same way. I suppose we have to figure it out. I wish i had the answers. I would share them with you.

Hugs

Thanks Leah! I think they just didn't want me to see his body rolled out on the gurney. Oh, it was so horrid! I am trying to erase some of the images from my memory and just latch on to the good memories. A man at my church recently had a tumor removed (not sure where this tumor was), but his wife told me afterward, "He died." I go, "WHAT??" Then she told me how his heart stopped beating for three or four minutes either during or after the surgery, and somehow they brought him back. He SHOULD have been paralyzed at the very least, or have brain damage, right? None of that happened; he knew his name, the date, where he was, and was in church the other night. I don't understand why one is spared and another not. I of course am glad that he didn't die, but then again, all those questions rise back to the surface. My brother claims he had an out of body experience, but I will leave that story for another time.

remember to message me about this subject. I've had personal revelationw through out the early days of my loss and I would like to share some of it with you.

I to question my husband's health decision-making...I had to sign papers to take him off life support...He had no chance s to recover...He fought cancer almost two years and then got pneumonia and a long list of infections...It was a heartbreaking moment....God doesn't promise to stop loved ones from dying...He does tell us He will help us get thru the loss...I get emails daily from Grief Share that has a short story of Grief of another and scripture...You might want to check it out.....I call upon the Lord with a few words..The Lord is my Shepherd..I shall not want...He makes me lie in green pastures and leads me beside still waters...I try to picture these scenes...I am so sorry ....It's so hard to cope with...our life has changed as we knew it.......Hugs, Penny

A grief observed by c s Lewis who lost his wife to ca cer helped me