My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Please keep calling on God He is there. I found a Grief Share and it helped me tremendously. Please talk to some one. I am praying for you. -Kim

Thanks. It sure doesnt feel like it. Not sure what kind of father he is at this point. I cant bring myself to go to griefshare. Im not ready to be around people

I had trouble sleeping for a long time, and I had nightmares and flashbacks. I couldn't stay in THAT house alone, although I was forced to for six months, due to scarce housing here in town. I just wanted to move and hibernate for a while, but right after I finally got moved into a duplex, I somehow hyper-extended my right hip and was on a cane for several weeks. I felt so humiliated.

Those who go to Heaven become like the angels, and there will be no marriages in Heaven. I guess our new, glorified bodies won't need what we need here. That concept is hard to wrap my head around, but that is what Jesus told his disciples when they were asking him those hard hypothetical questions (about the woman who married six brothers who all died).

That has made it easier for me to think in terms of another possible relationship. Not to forget or dishonor my late husbands, but the harsh reality is that we can't bring them back. We can allow them to become a part of who we now are. I know this is deep. I guess I just don't believe it is possible to "hurt" someone who is deceased. If the readied soul does go straight to Heaven (absent from the body and present with the Lord), that is at least some comfort on their behalf.

I understand your pain. I remember feeling that way. My husband had a cardiac arrest, survived surgery and died 30 days later. I prayed and went to the chapel in the hospital, attended mass at a local church and believed my prayers and the prayers of so many on his behalf would be answered. I could not believe God allowed him to be taken from me and my children. He was our husband and father and we had an amazing life together and looked forward to a wonderful future. My children were 24 and 27, too young to lose him. The pain was overwhelming and I didn't know what I was going to do and did not want to survive. How could I go on without him? Why did this happen? And why didn't I MaKe him go to the doctor for a check up as I had asked him to months before? It's been 2 years and almost 8 months. In the past month things have really changed. I finally feel like I am ok and will be ok. I finally don't wake up each day with the thought of "he's gone". How did I get here? You know the saying "footprints" God carries us through even when we don't know it. I've prayed, read a daily devotional, listen to Mass on the drive to work, attended Sunday masses, prayed some more and I know others pray for me. I read a book for one year "Healing after Loss" every morning before I got out of bed. And a daily devotional. I didn't plan it, some one left these books at my house for me, I don't even know who. It helped me focus. And my God understood my pain and sorrow. Blessed are those who mourn. Yes, there is no denying that this SUCKS but even though we can NEVER understand, because some things are beyond our human understanding, we can survive and HE will carry us. God Bless and just take one day at a time. Marybeth.

Thanks shewearsblack and Marybeth. I guess thats why i wonder if god is saying its my fault. Had i done things differently, he would be here. Its so hard to trust god when you cant get answers. I agree, he does understand my sorrow and pain i just dont know if he cares or hears me. I like your example marybeth of the reading material. I wish i had some devine sign to know he gave a crap about me. I wish i knew he was listening to my prayers. I can feel your pain marybeth. I would be devastated to know frank made it and died 30 days later. Its so umfair. They were too young. These are the things i dont understand. You can do everything right and i feel like god forsakes you in the end.
I have the same questions as you marybeth. I dont know if il ever find the way or see the answers.
Shewearsblack, maybe i should move but strangely it feels like im leaving him

Its going to be an emotional weekend. We were supposed to be in NC this holiday weekend. Sigh.

Leah, a little bit of NC is coming to the Northwest - that singer I was telling you about. Here I get the best of two worlds, as far as evangelists from the south coming here. We even have a Cracker Barrel now in a nearby town. Still not enough to keep me here indefinitely. It may be hard for me to leave right after I get the headstone; I don't know. Sam's ex, Mary Jane, reclaimed him after I moved here from Oklahoma. She bought the two plots next to his for their son and daughter-in-law! I'm sure she will go decorate the grave.

Oh no. Thats terrible!i hope she allows you to decorate. Such a small world we live in! Im going to play some songs by him. Frank and i used to love crackerbarrel!!

I will have to leave that up to those who live closer - like the son Sam and I adopted. I am not even sure i will go out there (to the cemetery) in July. I have been working on the garage again. I need to give it a rest LOL.

I know how you feel I have been there. I guess there is a reason for everything that happens. I too doubted my faith. It all takes time. I was engaged to a wonderful man and he died of lung cancer the month we were to be married.
I married 20 yrs later and found another man. It seemed like anythng or anyone I loved was taken from me. I hope things get better for you. will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
just me again

I don't necessarily believe in the whole, "reason for everything." Heck, look at the pain and suffering and random careless school shootings. I think sometimes bad things just befall us all. But, to your point, it really does make you doubt your faith. I am really struggle with faith at this point. I can totally relate to you when you say, "anything or anyone you loved was taken from you." I have suffered my fair share of loss. Not all loss ended in death but the loss was permanent and painful. I am starting to wonder if god loves me. I don't know if he does. Thanks for the prayers computerone. I am sad to hear of your loss but happy you found love again and were able to love again.

Whitedoves, it is not "your fault" that your husband died, and God is not telling you that. no matter what mistakes you &/or him made about anything., but your grief-emotions will make you feel that.
You are in the agony of grief. We live in a society which blames people for any & every thing. Seeing errors in 20/20 hindsight does not make his death your fault.
The answers to our many "Why" questions will not be answered during this life.
Having those impossible questions does not negate your faith, even when you don't feel any.
A person with absolutely no faith does not struggle with these things. You are struggling deeply.
Barb.

Thanks Barb. I am struggling deeply. I knew in my heart it was divine intervention for us to put together. It doesn't make sense that I lost him. You may be right, we do want to blame or at least create a reason. maybe its as simple as, things just happen. I don't know. I don't know where to start to rebuild my faith which feels broken at this time. I am angry. extremely angry. Maybe these are all the emotions of grief.

I don't have the answers to everything, but the one thing I know for sure is: Your husband's death was not your fault. We do not have power over life and death. That guilt that keeps stabbing your heart and thoughts is not from God. It is from the enemy. Of course, that lays the responsibility for death at God's doorstep and that is exactly where it should be. God gives us a time of life here on this earth. We don't usually know how long that life will be, but God does. We are shocked when a loved one is taken from us, but God always knew for how long He had given us that beloved one as a gift. The things you are feeling, the questions, anger, and despair that you have are so normal. You have to feel them. You have to walk through them. The only thing you want right now is your husband and that is not possible now. God did not lie to us or let us down though. It feels like it at first, but He told us upfront that everyone dies. Faith is rebuilt as you walk this horrible journey of grief and loss.
After a time, (a long time!)in my journey with grief, I came to realize that God was bringing me through it and was right there with me. I couldn't see it at first because the grief and loss were all that I could see. It was so overpowering. Little by little, I began to get glimpses of God. I don't know if He rebuilt my faith or if He gave me new faith, I only know that it is real and strong and is because of His great love for me. I will pray this for you. Like I said though, it has been many years for me. You are just at the beginning so I will pray for your strength and comfort through this lonely times.

Thanks cupolatte, I feel let down by god. I guess I feel let down because on that final hour, I prayed for him to save him for me. Im conflicted. Some say god doesnt intervene ever. But some say he does. I don't know which is true. I wish I knew the answer so that I could work on restoring my faith. Its all very confusing and difficult to process. I do agree with you. I suppose he does know how long we have. I wish I could clearly see how or if he was bringing me thru this. It feels like im walking alone. I wish god would give me a sign. Do something to let me know he loves me and he is here with me. I wish he would do something to let me know it wasnt my fault. Maybe youre right, maybe its the enemy making me feel guilty. Thank you, please pray for me. I dont know if prayer works but i suppose it cant hurr
-Leah