Amy, what a wonderful memory, one to cling to for sure. One of the last things my husband said to me after I told him for the millioneth time "I love you" was: I love you to, I wonder who loves who more? " I remind myself of this when times get really tough. He will be waiting for me. As Shane will for you! Hugs and Love to you, hope you got some rest, Michele

Oh Amy . . I do so hope you got some much needed sleep and this was perhaps a dream or close to a vivid dream of relaying the love between you and Shane? The word "shattered" in any context reminds me of all that could be contained in the context of love for our lost one. Our dreams are shattered, our plans . . our goals, our future realities . . all shattered! I'm so sorry Amy . . I'm sorry that I do understand your shattered hopes and future dreams with Shane. It's totally insane to try to wrap our minds around that which we cannot understand nor want to accept. I, also, miss very much my intense fantasy of the lost future with my husband I waited 15 years to marry. I am so much in denial much of the time . . denial of how much I loved him, how much I longed for this future dream . . how much I gave, energy wise . . how much I just loved him. Period. He lost it in the end. I long to continue with the forgiveness I gave him on his deathbed; yet I am angry at times, beyond my own understanding. It just sucks! I'm sorry. I know, I'm usually up-beat and ready to offer a positive mantra or up-lifting spirit. I feel your pain and my own this eve. Just being human. Damn, it just sucks being alone with grief! Yet, I am reminded, we are never alone here . . we all understand in our own way. Hang in there girlfriend . . we're hanging with you. xo, D

Yes Dayna it does suck being alone with our grief. How well we all know that. You are right though, you are human and are always upbeat, but as a human you too will need support through this shitty damn journey we are on. Insomnia does not help a damn thing either. Being alone with my thoughts is not necesarily a good thing. Especially when I am tired. This has been a bad week for me, too much sadness, and too much alone time. Just his presence in the house, whether we even discussed anything or not is so hard to live without. That sense of security is gone. And Dayna, your not smoking has to be like losing a good friend, but I congratulate you for hanging in there. I know that is on my list of sh*t to do also, if I ever find that list. You need to pat yourself on the back for being here for us and staying so strong and crawling this path beside us. Hugs and Love, Michele

Michele . . confession time: Damn it. I lost the Quit tonight. Yes, I did. No regrets. D went and got me a pack of ciggies before I slit my wrists, or worse, committed homicide with another. (On-line or off). So hells bells and little fishes (as Val says) . . I've had a few smokes. I'm hoping tomorrow will bring a new quit day. Meanwhile, I have to go to my support group and admit to smoking tonight . . . on my 20th quit day. F' S' and D' . . . not proud of self, but given my day and the days leading up to this one, I'm okay with my choice. The inhale is amazing. I admit it . . addiction is CRAZY. And you are right, insomnia equates to insanity! I need to see my new doc here soon in MT regarding my meds . . I won't take the klonopin (as I don't want to get addicted) . . yet I can't sleep. So, WTF? I've tried everything else OTC . . they don't work. What is my problem then? I fight with myself and the scripts I have, simply to prove that I don't have an addictive nature . . yet I'm smoking a damn cigarette now after 20 days? I'm a mess in a dress! I confess.

Dayna, breathe, breathe and breathe. I once worked with a gal that had been an iv heroin drug user. She got clean after many tries, but she still couldn't kick smoking cigs. It is a powerful drug, both physcological and physical. And the habit of the hand to mouth is obviously going to take time to stop. Though they say it makes one more nervous, I have convinced myself they are wrong. ha ha When I am upset or nervous I want a cigarette. My husband quit after 40 some years, cold turkey. But he was in the hopital for 13 days and then the nursing home for 21 days before he came home. And by the time he came home his health kept deteriorating to the point not even food of any kind tasted good. That is not how I want to quit, obviously. But it gets it's grip on you and doesn't let go. Give yourself a break, you can start out fresh tomorrow. I have kids and family that have preached to me for many years about this nasty habit. I know it's not good for me. I know it's part of the reason I ended up in the hospital a year ago with respiratory failure. But, I was the one that was his caregiver, tried to keep all the stress off him as well as deal with the kids, work, grands and everyone elses drama. Always pushing forward, never crying and always hoping things would get better. They didn't. And as you know, not so long ago I was wanting to leave this stinking earth. I was jealous that he got to be with all of our loved ones that passed before. I knew my kids and grands and family would do fine without me. I lost my dad at 22. And I made it, difference was, I had my husband here to support me. So now that he is gone I need him more than ever. You will get through this. See your doctor, explain why you are fighting taking meds. See if there isn't something that isn't addictive to take. I have been on an anti depressant for years, I sometimes wonder if it even helps. But boy if I miss a day I can really tell. You too have been through such a ride with losing your spouse, your leg not healing, stinking probate and now a major move and new relationship. Is it time you took care of you? I would hope so. We all need you here, but we know you have to care for yourself first. Hugs and Love always, Michele

Thanks for the pep talk Michele. I'm back on track today with the Quit. I'm not beating myself up too much. I really was losing it last night.. Too much to mention going on . . mostly on-line crap. Dewman is a saint for putting up with me. LOL

No sleep yet... it wasn't a dream, just remembering my "moments" with him. He was a wonderful father and husband, and I think I have some "guilt" because I used to always joke about him not being "romantic". He was though... in hindsight... just not in the "traditional" sense. He took care of us, and protected us, and once in a blue moon said something that bordered on sappy or sweet. He was a bit "old school" in regards to the roles of the husband vs those of the wife. When I was pregnant, I was not allowed to lift even a gallon of milk. And once our boys were about 10 years old and above, I remember him telling them "If I come home and see your mother doing this or that when it is something you boys could be doing, I will put my boot up your asses". Not to imply he was mean to the kids... he wasn't. He just wanted to instill in them that certain things were the "man's job". I can only recall him ever spanking one of our kids... one time. That was our oldest son. He was about 6 at the time, and was mad at me because I had taken a toy away and went to walk out of the room. My son ran after me and hit me rather hard in the back. I didn't even get turned around to deal with it before my husband was right there. He swatted our son once on the rear and sat him on the couch, telling him that he better never even think about laying a hand on his mother ever again.(I know, I know... hitting and saying that hitting is bad??? But... it worked. And it was one swat ... not even a very hard swat.)

No need to justify the swat Amy! I think Shane did the appropriate thing! I know I would have as well. Apparently he got his point across as it never happened again, eh? :)

Girlfriend, you need to get some sleep. Seriously. I hope you were able to last eve or today? What have you tried (if anything) to help? A lot of the OTC's work for many (they don't me, but meds usually have an opposite effect w/ my physiology). Melatonin? Chamomile tea? Warm milk? Hot bath or shower? Glass of wine? ??? Just throwing stuff out there. If all else fails, you might need to get a short term fix from the doc?

xo, D

I have tried Xanax, Tylenol PM, Ambien, tea, lavender lotions and body washes, baths, soft music, various alcohols, Tylenol with codeine, Norco, (the pain pills were prescribed when I broke my leg... but I didn't take them then or after the surgery. I am usually categorically opposed to narcotics, and have never taken more than Tylenol or Motrin even with broken bones.) With Xanax, and all of the other pills, I never got more than an hour or so if I was lucky. Nothing seems to work. I had one time that I got nearly 7 hours a couple weeks back. I am basically a zombie.
I had my granddaughter last night because my son had to work, and she was up with a fever and ear infection, so I didn't even get an hour last night. Took her into the ER today... didn't want to make her suffer till the pediatrician opened tomorrow... I feel exhausted but I know that as soon as I lay down, my mind will kick into high gear and I will toss and turn for 4-5 hours before giving up or possibly falling asleep for an hour. After that hour I am up and cannot seem to get back to sleep no matter what I do.

Amy, I'm beginning to think that the harder we try to sleep, the more it eludes us. It was many, many months before I could get more than a couple hours of sleep. I finally "gave up" on the sleep and just decided that I would go to bed to "rest" for a little while. Gradually, I began to get some sleep. Still not more than 5 or 6 hours but that is SO much better than what I was getting. It sucks big time, but I truly don't think there is anything we can do about it other than to let it come on its own. I too tried Ambian and all the natural things. Hopefully with time, we can get a full nights sleep once again. Until then, just know that you are not alone. Sometimes I think we should start a "sleepless in ______ forum" and chat all night! Would beat tossing and turning all to heck! Hugs to you now and at midnight. Darlene

I'm with Darlene and of course you Amy. My problem w/ sleep started during the onset of menopause. It was (is) a vicious cycle of needing sleep to regulate the hormones, yet unable to sleep because of the hormone imbalance. On and on. I just got used to getting up in the middle of the night and working when I couldn't sleep. I haven't been doing that lately, simply because I have to climb stairs to get to my office and it just feels like it takes too much energy. Instead, I turn on Coast to Coast radio and lay there listening to three to five hours of entertainment. (They say T.V. isn't good, but it does work for some). My klonopin doesn't really work any more. I'd have to take at least three and I'm not into another 'addiction', so I rarely even take one. My typical sleep schedule is . . fall asleep for an hour, or two if I'm lucky . . wake up, only to be awake for the next however many hours . . then fall back asleep around 6-6:30. It seems I'm getting my best sleep in the early morning between 6 and 10 . . often time, I don't get up until noon, which is beyond ridiculous and makes me feel lazy! But hey, after dealing with insomnia for the past five years, I'll take what I can get when I can get it! I wish I had a quick fix answer for you. Alas, I still struggle with this issue myself. :( Hopefully, this will get better for all of us that suffer. I hear that the older we get, the less sleep we need?? Good excuse, eh? BTW, one of the greatest master painter's of our time Salvadore Dali would sleep deprive himself to paint his masterpieces! Perhaps there are things we should be doing on a grand scale when we can't sleep? :) Just a thought.

Hi all, I can take your minds off everything........It's my Birthday today......I don't allow my office to celebrate it because in the year 2000 Morey and I were driving down to Palm Springs on Interstate 10, a woman was standing on the Interstate and I hit her, she died instantly and as I stared at her lifeless body laying on the asphalt I promised her my Birthday. As the investigation came out, she was trying to commit suicide and succeeded, at my expense. Morey was badly injured with glass shards in both his arms, chest and face, with the trauma of nightmares for years.

I was so busy trying to keep our car from veering into oncoming traffic that I hardly saw anything expect the airbag. And only suffered severe bruising to my chest and stomach.

It was a horrific accident and took quite a toll on both Morey and I for quite some time. I had to visit a shrink who gave me tons of meds and Morey NEVER really dealt with it. I think it changed him forever!

We later found out that the woman belonged to one of the Indian Tribes in Indio County and was being asked to leave the reservation for some illegal acts. I never wanted to know too much as I felt her soul needed to rest in peace.

I share this with you because I know that we ALL have a boat-load of "stuff" that we're dealing with and with it all we MUST take care of US!!! I MUST sleep.....I'm one of those people that doesn't do well in life unless I get sleep, otherwise I become anxious, fearful and filled with anger. I'm very lucky that most sleeping aides work well with me. Although, I do have a very addictive personality, I'm very careful NOT to take any one thing on a regular basis. I kick it up a notch by interchanging my various meds. So far, so good!

I wish we all lived closer.......I'd teach you how to play the card game Pan and we'd keep each other company all night by winning each other's money!!!!

Love you,
Roz ♥

I love card games... we used to play quite a bit. We were big into "Euchre" (in its various forms). I was included in a "guys" poker game once.... but I took all of their money and they no longer let me join.

I actually went through menopause when I was rather young (26) because I had cancer and they took my "girlie" parts. I really don't think my issue is hormonal... I think it is situational. Nothing seems to help, though... even meds. I myself have never had any issues with narcotics, but I have always avoided them because several members of my family have had issues with addiction (alcohol, narcotics, or actual illegal drugs). I know myself to have an "addictive personality" and have not wanted to risk it, but I have broke down and tried a few things since losing Shane.... prescription stuff. But, I give up. I guess I will sleep when I sleep... and if I don't I sure hope I can find a more productive use of my time awake than sitting around staring or crying my heart out.

Oh Roz, what a horrific thing for you to have to endure!! My heart just breaks for you and for the poor lady who felt if was the only way for her to have peace. I have no other words other than "I am so sorry for all the pain you have endured". Sending a big "hanging on" hug to you. Darlene

Darlene, thank you for your kind words. As I said, I was so busy trying to keep our brand new Ford Thunderbird away from oncoming traffic that my whole being was ultra-focused on staying alive. Morey, on the other hand, was the passenger and as she came flying through the windshield and then back out with his airbag deploying and over the hood of my car, Morey saw everything. To me it was a man standing on the freeway to Morey it was a woman, wearing a pink blouse, with yellow flowers and wearing a yellow headband, he could even describe her eyes.

Can you imagine the image that was in his head.......Horrible! For me the image was distant, until I actually saw her laying on the ground. That was nightmare enough but for him there was so, so much to visually take in and disseminate in his brain. He would wake up screaming for many, many months afterwards. I felt so badly for him.

I have no guilt over it, only a deep sadness for what she may have been going through. I know it left deep wounds in Morey's heart and certainly in his brain. For that I was always deeply saddened for him. He was such a loving, gentle man, it took a heavy toll on his psyche.

Thank you for letting me share this.

Roz ♥