Ok I feel a little better about being able to talk to people on here. I think today that i will still take it kind of slow but will open up a little more than my last journal. When i was a young child My uncle had me stay with him over the summer months. Would tell my parents that he wanted to spend time with me. After the first night I knew that I was really alone. My parents gone. Brother and sister not here to help. The first time it happened I wasnt even sure that it was real. I was drugged and then woke up and thought it was a bad dream. So i didnt say anything, not that i would even know how to. It started when i was 5 years old. After the second time that it happened the feelings of true sorrow crept in. I was alone in the world and had no idea how to get help. Sometimes i still feel this way. Anyways It continued for several more times 49 more to be exact. By the time i was a little older i began to fight back. Thats when the worst attack happened. I was 12 by this point and thought that it was over by now however i let my guard down and was sadly mistaken. The worst was yet to come. I was down at his girlfriends house for the summer. Between his house and my grandparents for the summer. It was supposed to be a summer full of fun however it turned into the summer from hell. It was late at night and i was woke up by My uncle, he tired to start and i fought him by kicked and hitting. This did nothing by make it worse. Shortly after the fight began, he left the room. He wnet down stairs got a knife and cam back. When he entered the room he had the knife out and tole me that this was going to happen one way or another. I had already made my mind up that i would fight him to the death if need be. This proved to be harder than i thought. After a short struggle we had to go to the hospital from my cuts. I have three on my side and 13 arround the groin area. I was told on the way to the hospital that i was helping him work on a project and the saw got away from me. If i said anything else it would be the last time i would ever see my family. I was told that if i ever spoke of what really happened that after he got out he would hunt me down and never stop until i was in a grave so as to never be able to tell anyone else again. So i did what i was told. Wish i had the courage as a young boy but on the other hand I was scared. No where to go, no one to talk to. Just a vast emptyness that is still a big void in my life. Must people can say that its not my fault. Again to those people i will tell you. I know its not my fault, but i will always carry the guilt with me that if i had just fought a litte more, kicked one more time, yelled a little louder maybe just maybe this could have been stopped. Its something that i will always carry with me. I now share a special connection with someone that may not even remeber what i did for her. After realizing i was not the only one from my family having this done. I made a threat of my own. I gave a choice and I would never give that choice up in a million life times. I told my uncle that if he didnt leave the other alone then i would tell and destroy his plans. I told him that if he had to feel that power then he had to go trough me. My sister was to never be touched again. After our conversation I started learning to defend myself better. Learned how to fight with a knife, shot a gun, and unarmed hand to hand. My grandfather started teaching me thinking I may follow ins his footsteps and become Military (which i did just not the right branch). He was in the Airforce and I joined the Army. Still dont hear the end of that choice. Anyways, He continued to abuse me but not the rest of my family. My personal choice.

Ok so this is my childhood pain it will take time for me to open up about my military past. Its a little easier now to talk about my childhood past. My mother feels as though she has failed me as a Child. Mom if you are reading this Please know that it was not your fault. It never has been and never will be. Please know that I was not the eaisiest child to deal with. I am sorry for that. Really REALLY sorry. After your life was threatened I chose the better of the two choices. Spend the rest of your life with you there to guide me and make the man i am today. Though I may not have confided in you, please understand that in my mind i did it to help my family. I will never change my mind on that. Without you I would have never made tough choices. You are my rock. One day you will understand this.

If i could go arround and talk to people about what i went through to help give them strenght and inspiration I would love to. If I olny knew how to get started in that.