I know the thinking you are in right now. It would be so cheezy to say, it will get better tomorrow, hang in there. That often offers any help at the moment. I have thought this way myself many times. What has kept me going are several things. One being my family who is left with the life long burden of my parting.
There is also I have found, new strength to get me threw the next day. I have found it difficult to believe that my body has so disappointed me and I am often jealous of others my age who are vibrant and strong in health. I had to come to a place of acceptance of the life I had and to make the most of it. as I am. As you know that is difficult and for some days, it seem impossible. The reason I can only offer you as to why you should not end it now, is that the world would be a lesser place without your being here. You do effect more people than you even know. Your courage in the face of your illness makes people be more than they are. How you ask? If for no other reason than they are thankful that they are well and they do wish you were as well. They also will at some time in their lives suffer illness as you do and will come to you for understanding and comfort. You will be the best one to know how to help them as you have already and are walking the path.
Blessings of peace on your troubled spirit.
Mehlisue

thank you for responding, but let me tell you what i have lost because of uncaring, spiteful, unfeeling medical faculties: i have lost, my home, my job, more than one relationship, was accused of drug seeking which prevented me from getting ANY medical help, the support of my family because they chose to believe these evil doctors and it's very possible that i will be denied disability because of the last dr i saw, he completely dismissed my illness.

now let me tell you what i have: HH, damage from a galbladder surgery, damage to my veins which prevents me from having phlebs and a cyst which is 10 cm on my kidney.

it doesn't matter what dr i go to or how much info i acquire, i am still blown off when i go to the dr or er. they will not do anything for me.

i'm sorry, how is this beneficial to me??

he is a lousy dr for sure.
How is this a benefit, you will go to the next doctor armed with much more information than pleading for help but be specific with what you need help with. Dr.s don't find much time for out of the box conversations. They want to know how they can fix it quick. It is their way and it sucks. Go in armed with your testing results to the next dr. tell them what has worked and not worked and that you are seeking medical care in any form they offer for you. You have a extensive amount of knowledge about your condition, now use it to keep searching all avenues of health care including holistic and alternative.
I know money is a major issue, but you do have medicaid that will take you a long way to finding the right kind of treatment if you ask the right questions.
this will benefit you in this manner, when you take control of your situation and not become a victim to it, it gives you the power to make positive choices for your life. Do not allow the medical community to bully you into just a wall flower to be dismissed.
I finally found the most help at a pain management center. Not for drugs, but they want to know what the pain is, the cause and they find the right treatment and give great suggestions..

no, actually i don't have medicaid. i have been fighting this for 10 yrs. the last dr i went to completely dismissed me because they couldn't access a vein and referred me to the red cross.

it has been horrible. i have actually had dr's tell me that they didn't need someone coming off the street telling them how to do their job. so, going to the dr in my hometown is no longer an option for me.

i am mad, i am bitter and i just really don't know where to turn anymore. dr's are very knit close in the town i live in....but thanks for caring, your the only one that has replied....that means a lot!!

are you disabled and not able to work anymore? sounds like you should be. I would look online for free medical help. I found that there was a clinic in my area that treated by income and was cheap. maybe there is one you don't know about within a few miles of your town.
I wish I could do more, so I will just encourage you to keep seeking and do not give up on yourself. I know it is tough, I got a blow today that brought me to tears. I was denied SS benefits again. I just can not believe it. But tomorrow is another day and I shall be back on the phone to the attorney and again in court I am sure. The world does not make it easy for us does it.
Here to chat when you want a ear. Mehlisue

well, see, this is my problem. i wasn't disabled until dr's started treating me and it wasn't just one dr, it was several. this is the 4th time i have applied for disability, it is still pending. it doesn't matter who i talk to, everyone is very evasive with me. they either really don't know what the hell they're doing, or they just don't care.
and i'm really sorry that you didn't ssd. and btw, thank you so much for being nice to me....it really did make a difference....hugs

Have you tried any type of natural ? Your body needs pro biotics to function in a healthy manner and to boost your immune system !

Everything we need is on this Earth..we just have to do the research to find the help the body needs.

Many of us have been on the road you're on now...I like to get tough with the issue at hand, learning all you can about your health issue, from the library and other sources, compile this info. into a folder, take it to a dr. in a different state, and discuss the issue with that dr.
You might start the conversation about the gall bladder and it's function, get the dr's opinion on this and then present your case.
The more you educate your dr. the better your outcome will be.

Take the lemon and make lemonade, turn this to your benefit !! Keep your faith in God ! Look for the positives in life, your situation is a blank canvas for a learning experience for many others.
Many of us will be watching your progress,

i give up.....i have educated the crap out of myself, know this disease inside out. but it's not going to do any good if i can't get any help. dr's are refusing me help.

i can't hold a job because of my illness, i can't get phlebs because of damage to my veins, i have no money , i can't get disability....so where do i go from here....wish i had the courage to just slit my throat and get it over with...geez