Hi everyone, I'm not sure how everyone, or anyone for that matter feels about this issue, but please keep an open mind. As you know I'm bisexual, this is because of some major emotional issues. I don't remember how much of this I've told you, or how much you remember so I'm going to give a short refresher then ask my question. I really hope I don't offend anyone.

I know that I've been attracted to men since I was about 6 years old. I know this because of some things I did at that age that allowed me to view the male body, and occasionally even touch it. I don't know if a person is born gay, or not and I don't even form an opinion much less debate it, because I just don't know, to be honest I don't care,I know who I am and I don't worry about the rest. As I said, I have some very deep seated emotional issues, things that go back to before I can remember, that cause me to need to have a man in my life. This need is for the emotional support that I can only get from a man. Please just trust me on that so don't have to try and explain it, that could take a while. I have no desire for a romantic, or sexual relationship with a man. I just have some emotional demons that can only be driven away by being held close by a man. I think all of us here can understand those demons and how much sense they make. All I need or want is just to have a man let me put my head on his shoulder, and him wrap his arms around me, and hold me tight, protecting me, making me feel secure, caring for me, loving me, showing me I am worthy, showing me I can be accepted by other men, and showing me that I'm not hopeless, or worthless, and I deserve to live.

My wife however, has her own demons, demons that make her very insecure, very vulnerable, and very touchy. She does not even want to think about me having a gay friend, she even gets jealous of my straight friends, as if something might happen between us. If I even mention that I need to have a gay friend to talk to, someone that understands some of my emotions, someone that can relate to my pain, and someone that can reduce my pain, she covers her ears and starts saying the D-word (divorce).

Every so often I'll have a wave of emotions hit me, during those times until the wave subsides, I almost have to have a male friend I can talk to. My choices are, 1 a friend, 2 a psych ward 3 hurting my family beyond what I thought imaginable. I can't deal with going into a psych ward every so often for a couple of weeks, to several months just to keep from hurting my family. But that is what I've had to do in the past. I have enough issues with my physical health, and going inpatient like that only makes things worse, and harder to deal with. I makes my physical pain worse to be in an environment that is not set up to allow me to be comfortable, and a routine that forces me to push through the pain when I should be resting, I shouldn't have to do that to myself, it's not right.

However, my wife feels (and I don't blame her, considering everything her fears are not only understandable, but expected), that if I ever develop a relationship with a man, that I'll leave her. But see the thing is, over the last few years, there has been twice that I had a friendship with a gay man, one was one of my exes, we ran into each other and started talking, he would come by the house and me, him, and my wife would sit and talk for hours, she knew he was an ex, but did not care. Then there was the time that she introduced me to a gay guy that she had worked with. I would go by his house and talk for a while, she would go with me and the three of us sit and talk. She was ok with both of these. But, when I told her that I needed to find a gay friend that I could talk to she freaked out. If it happened by accident she was ok, if it was planned that was a different story. She doesn't know that I stopped talking to both of those guys because they both came on to me, I got up walked out and never looked back.

In her own insecurities she is terrified of losing me, so she threatens to leave me, doesn't make sense to me. I have tried to calm her fears and explain to her what the situation is, that only hurt her worse because now I'm telling her that she can't meet my emotional needs. That is after all the whole point of being bisexual, having needs that require both sexes in order to be whole, or complete. How can I convince her that I'm not trying to leave her, that this is not a reflection of her, that this is just something that I need so that I don't hurt constantly? I love her with all my heart, and there is no way I can live without her. I have told her that I would do whatever/give up whatever I had to so we could stay together. I meant that, I will give it up if I have to, but I also have to try to convince her that it's ok before I give up completely.I tell her that she's the reason I get out of bed everyday, and it's the truth, without her in my life,I would not continue to live through this pain I'm in for very long, and without her I never would have made it this far, she makes all my physical suffering worth it.

At the end of the day though, I'm still bisexual, I still have needs only a woman can meet, and needs only a man can meet. As a matter of fact, the only time I'm ever at peace, is in the arms of a man. I can not have peace any other way. Peace is something that is almost a requirement for all of us to experience from time to time, to rest and recharge and get ready for the next fight, I only get that from a man. I don't like that, I wish it was different, but it's not and I can't change it. I can choose whether or not to try and get that peace, but without it, I'm afraid I won't live much longer.

I said earlier that I could have just done it, and not told her the truth about how I met him, But I love her to much for that. I can only be honest with her. See, a friend of mines 70 year old mother, told me the other day that she could put me in touch with two or three gay guys, we could even meet at her house so that my wife didn't know what was going on. Then whenever/IF I ever convinced her that I'm not leaving her, that I don't love her any less, and she agrees to let me see someone, then I could just pretend that I had just met him. I can't tell you how much I wanted her to make those phone calls, it was like being a cocaine addict in a house made of cocaine, all you could ever want, just reach out and take it. But, I can't do that, I felt so guilty for even considering it, I told her before I did anything because I love her, and wanted her to know what I was doing. I could have met up with some guys, pretended to meet them some other way, and she would have never known the difference. But I love her too much for that. When I say I don't want these needs for a man, I don't want them, I'll give them to someone else very quick, but it looks like I'm stuck with them. I've tried for 42 years to get rid of them, and they are still here. I have to get a break from this emotional pain I'm in. I hurt so bad emotionally it physically hurts my chest. Any suggestions?