Out of respect for your religious beliefs and spirituality I try not to post very much about my sexuality, but occasionally I just have no other choice. This is one of those times. I missed my appt. with my therapist last week as he was on vacation. But first a little background on everything, our 8 y/o, that is intellectually disabled, has been having a rough time lately, his meds are just not doing what they are supposed to do. We are doing everything we can to adopt him but nothing is working out right now, mainly because we just don't have the money. My wife's niece in Minnesota has called and is wanting to move to Mississippi with us, the only problem is she has two kids that would eventually end up living with us. Not to mention her sister, our 8 y/o's crack head, prostitute mother would eventually come to visit, and one of us would end up in jail for at least assault, if not murder, and that's no exaggeration. Then there is our oldest son he's 32 and also mildly mentally challenged, in the last 6 weeks he's had to have 3 major eye surgeries, so he doesn't go blind, as he's already lost 90% of the vision in his left eye, but only 10% in his right. Because of his mental status he can't work, but Social Security says he's not disabled, so he has no insurance. It took me almost 2 months to find a place to do the surgeries pro-bono. Unfortunately the hospital is 2 hours away, and we've been making the trip two or three times a week, not to mention the times we've stayed overnight, at roach motels that we couldn't afford. He's doing good now, we are just waiting for his complete recovery before we can relax. Not to mention several other very stressful situations going on also.

As most of you know, for 12 months now I have been trying to work with my wife to make it possible for me to have a couple of bi/gay friends, that I can talk to occasionally. The type of friendship I'm looking for I don't need her permission, but to make sure that nothing happens that hurts her any more than necessary, I am asking for her trust and permission before doing anything, so that she knows what is happening and is ok with what is happening. During this time I have been participating in an online support group for people in marriages that have at least one bi/gay person. Also for the last two years I have been on an online support group for people with the medical condition I have. A couple of weeks ago there was a major fight between me and Dawn, she was accusing me of something I didn't do, as usual. I lost it, I just could not take any more. I told her to just forget it, and stormed out of the room. I then got on my computer, and deleted all my bookmarks, cleared my history, deleted all the cookies everything, I was done, I refused to continue any farther. I was stopping my search for friends.

Dawn got mad about that, she apologized for accusing me, she told me that now that she had seen how happy talking to a man made me, she did not want to get in the way of that. She said that she knew that she could trust me, she was just still scared about what would happen. She made me promise to continue, otherwise she would think it was all her fault, and she couldn't live with that. She said she finally understood everything I had been telling her, that I didn't want sex, that because of my emotional trauma's there are emotional things I can only get from a woman, and other things I can only get from a man, so I need both in my life. Now that she understood that I only need a emotional friendship, she would eventually be ok, it's just going to take time, and me having a friend for a while, so she can get used to things. I was so relived, but I still just didn't want to continue, I started this so I could deal with stress and emotional things, and all I have accomplished is to make even more stress for myself. I have to find some peace soon, I can't take much more.

So, keeping my promise to her to continue, I logged back into a fake Facebook page I had made to meet local gay men. I had three friend request from older more mature guys, that only want friendship they are past the whole sex thing, and just want someone to talk to. Normally I should have been extremely ecstatic, but this only made things worse, because I still want to stop, but how can I stop if I'm actually looking at what/who could be the exact thing/person I am looking for? So I then log back on to the marriage board, and I can't believe what I'm seeing, 6 of the women that have been so supportive to me over the last year, have viciously attacked me, calling me all kind of nasty things, accusing me of just horrible actions, I almost cried. I just didn't get it. I just logged off, I knew that if I tried to post a response I would end up being very ugly, and I didn't want that. I thought I would wait until the next day so I would have a clear head, that was 4 days ago, part of me wants to g and just tear into them as bad as they tore into me, then part of me says to just forget it, and never go back. Then I logged into my health board, where I had been swapping stories by private message, with a couple of other gay guys, just getting to know each other, and just being friends. I told them a story that happened to me many, many years ago when I was either 19 or 20, and I had a 16 y/o come on to me. I told them I was extremely flattered, and he was very attractive, but 'Hell NO". Not going to do that. Anyway, I log in and they both are telling me that they don't ever want to talk to me again because I"m a pedophile. What The Hell?

I don't get it, how can one person be the subject of so many problems. How can I have so many bad things happen to me, when I'm just trying to live a good life, all I want at this point is to just live without any bad things happening, I have completely given up on happiness, if I could just live without any catastrophes. Why is it that there are some people that just are magnets for problems and troubles. Why do some people live their entire life, and only have good things happen to them. I know some people that are not that smart, they try to avoid work as much as possible, they should be living on government assistance because they are not able to take care of themself. But, somehow, they get lucky, and are very successful, they have a great family, a nice house, and they are extremely successful in their job. How, they didn't earn any of it, they just got lucky and it fell in their laps. Then there are people like me, I used to work anywhere from 40 to 80 hours a week, I moved up the corporate ladder quickly, that is until the next person above me decided they were in danger of losing their job to me, because I was actually doing their job, and their boss knew this, so they manufactured stuff, which got me fired. Or just as I was starting to become real successful in the company, I had a serious attack of my health problems, and would have to quit and be off work for a year or so. I did manage to end up with the best family anyone could ask for, my wife loves me enough to trust me enough to let me have a friendship that would send most women packing. My two older boys know all about my sexuality, and they are actually happy for me, they did all they could to help me by talking with their mother to convince her that she could trust me.

I just don't understand, how there are some people that live a lifetime of abuse, and no matter what they do, they can never get away from abuse from somewhere. Everyone else, doesn't get any closer to abuse than seeing it on TV. They don't even know someone that is affected by abuse, not even someone that knows someone, that is affected. Then there are the people that do manage to get away from the abuse, but they are so messed up emotionally, mentally, and sexually that they can never have a "normal" life. Why? That's all I can say, is why? The only coping mechanism I have right now is asking why. Why can't I just have a life where I don't have to worry about my electricity being cut off, why can't I have a life where I am not so messed up emotionally that I stay depressed enough to die, why can't I have a life where I can have what I need to keep my emotional needs met? Why can't I just live without trouble and problems, I'm not even asking to be happy, just no problems, no trouble, no depression?