Hi everyone,

This is my first experience with online groups and to be honest it feels a bit strange to pour out all of my thoughts when usually, I keep everything locked inside. However, luckily I feel safe here among people who understand.. and I would like to share my story. 

About 4 years ago I met a person who had such a strong charisma, charm and honestly a vibe that totally infatuated me. I fell in love so quickly and I truly felt that this person was my soulmate. Looking back now after reading about love-bombing, idealization and discard, I realize that I have romantisized every memory and situation. In reality, I was being played for his amuse.

I remember being so devoured by feelings and I almost felt like I was floating of happiness, that I did not understand the warning signs that he was actually giving to me. The first time we met I remember him talking about an instant connection between us, about the future and I remember just how exagerrating everything that he said sounded. But in some strange way, I agreed with him. I call this round 1. He has kept on this cycle of love-bombing me, idealising me, devaluing me and at least discarding me for years. But what I realize is that I have since day one been so strongly brainwashed into belieing in this "strong connection". You may wonder how a person that usually is a strong minded individual could go back to a person who has treated her badly five times? Well, my answer is that I do not know why. I have always had the mentality that if you never try, you will never know what could have been, and that was what I lived for. "Maybe he has changed, he says he has and he is so convincing." Every time. 

This time we traveled, met each others families and friends, made plans to get married and move in together and building a future. Each round brought a higher promise and a greater apology. But still I felt like there was an underlying competition between us. Him wanting to prove to me that he can, and me being filled with all of the dreams he dangled in front of my eyes. Just to drop everything and let me crash down by myself.

I helped him start his company in Dubai and I honestly poured out my heart for him. But I started to notice that there was only talk from his side, and the minimal amount of action possible. Painting up a dream picture always worked with me, so that is what he distracted me with while avoiding actually putting in an effort. This is a man that constantly wanted to seek out my flaws, he repeatedly asked me about my insecurities and started pointing out parts of my body. "Do as I say, not as I do." This part actually scares me to think about. I always felt that he was a bit different since he would never back out of an argument until he was either right, or had insulted the other person. When being confronted he would say something like "me? did I say that?" and the charm would be back on. 

This last round was the scariest so far, and the most difficult to think about. But it haunts my days, my dreams and is blocking the vision of my future. This time around when more intensely being in a relationship with him, I got the taste of the reality of being with a psychopath. Earlier I had these expectations and dreams that he had painted, but everything ended up with the worst pain I have ever felt so far in my life. After the discard, I felt that I had stopped existing.

It was a sunday and I knew that he was going to travel to Dubai for work for 2 weeks, and this day he called me when I was at work. "Is this the most beautiful woman in the world I am talking to?" was what I would usually hear when picking up the phone. He was telling me that he had to go earlier than planned to Dubai, and that he was leaving tomorrow. But we were going to meet to say goodbye before he left. The same night that was suppose to be our goodbye, resulted in him discarding me and getting on a plane. It was also the same night that I got a phone call from the woman he had been cheating on me with, warning me about him. "He is extremely manipulative" she said, "be careful". This woman had been working with him for a while, and she found out about me from a common friend at the same work place. Meanwhile, he had been claiming that I was a clingy and obsessive, irrelevant person who had been after him for so long. When in reality, I received loving texts and phone calls from him, telling me how much he loves me and how he would not know what to do without me. This was the last I ever heard from him and instead, I started seeing on social media pages how he was living a dream life in Dubai with a new girl every evening. I saw him for the monster he was, and this truth was now stronger than the brainwashing he put me through.

I would like to add that there is more information to what has happened, for example threatening to put a bullet in my head if I would ever cheat on him, among other things that are a bit difficult to write down. Every single time I tried to open up about my feelings and express my boundaries, I was punished. And he knew that the best way to punish me was through ignoring me. That's simply all he had to do to cause me pain, which he gladly took advantage of. As soon as I tried to question his behavior, I got threathened. As soon as I wanted to go out or wear something he didn't approve of, there was consequenses. But what I remember most about the strange characteristics, is that he needed validation that what he was doing actually worked, and I didn't understand that that actually was his plan all along. "I hurt you, didn't I?" "Two days without me speaking to you is like a knife to your back, isn't it?" "You would do anything for me, wouldn't you". Now I can see that this was a never ending fun game. 

It came to the point when he wanted to take control over my bank account, he wanted me to tell him secrets that my bestfriend had told me confidentially. When i REFUSED, instead of understanding that my loyalty towards her would reflect in my loyalty towards him as well, I was called disloyal and the worst partner. What I am saying is that as soon as I would not give in to his ways, I was portrayed as disloyal or unengaged, and he would punish me with holding away what I needed. But if I would give in, he would call me weak for giving and not being strong minded. I could simply never win in these situations, and I always had to tip toe. Realizing that everything was a lie, and knowing that I invested so many years and so much time just to be discarded and treated as if I don't exist, just drains me.

I am living in a constant battle of craving the high I felt during the idealization fase, and feeling totally empty without it. He managed to isolate me from my surroundings well so now I'm all alone. I now realize why I have heard my family tell me that I haven't been myself for a long time. I used to be the rock that would help my friends believe in themselves, I used to be strong and have a good sense of self worth. But after all of this I have lost that, mostly at least. My mind is spinning and I am being tossed between who I was when I was with him, and who I used to be. It's like who I truly am is fighting to get up of the black hole he suck me into, and sometimes I feel like she is on her way out, only to be drawn back down again. I have also learned so much about myself, and I still feel myself romantisizing small parts of our memories. Because a person cannot fake THAT good, can they? Unfortunately they can. 

I am so happy I educated myself in this, and it wasn't until this final rond that I decided to. Because this time I just knew that something was seriously not right. I had become an expert at making excuses for him, and this time around I could simply not come up with an excuse or a reason why. Then i discovered psychopathy and narcissism, and every single memory with him from these past years started to spin around inside my head for each sentence I kept reading. Every trait had a certain memory attached to it and it scared the hell out of me. But the scariest part was when I started reading "A survivors quest", which was seen more from the victims point of view. This book had me in tears, because by each chapter I felt like I was following myself. It was if I could see someone break me down, page by page and I also saw how and why I started developing certain defensive mechanisms when dealing with the psychopath. I could now understand how I had changed, what others around me could see but I couldn't see as clearly. Everything was explained to me and as much as I was in complete shock, I was also sort of relieved. It felt like I had been living a strange twisted dream for so long and I just couldn't put into words what had been bothering me. It was lack of feeling. Lack of empathy. Lack of love. Empty promises and words, threathening and possessive behaviour, cheating and triangulation, devaluation and criticism, love-bombing and making unreal and extrordinary plans and promises, always a need to be the greatest and superior to others, using people for image and labels, promises everyday but ZERO action. I never ever got to say my part after the discard either, he just vanished and I was stuck speaking to myself. The list goes on.

Today I feel more aware. I feel like I know what is wrong for me. But what will fill the void that is left? Don't get me wrong, I would never want to go back to such an emotional abusive person. But I am talking about what is left that helps us feel afterwards? Family and friends yes of course, but it's a different feeling. I just feel so lonely, so lost and so empty right now. And it scares me. And I hate him for doing this to me because I know I did not deserve it, nobody does. I don't want to let him win by making me like this. But right now I just don't know what to do. I need happiness, a bit of love maybe. Right not I feel like I have some sort of withdrawal. I don't know. Now I can see that I had made him my whole future. And that being gone, I just can't see ahead anymore.