Pendra,
I would suggest starting the healing process (which is very long and painful) by getting the toxic out of your system. You will soon notice however that unless you talk to either a psychologist or someone who has also been abused by a sociopath, people - even those closest to you - will not be able to understand what you're going through, and will simply advise you to "move on" with your life -as if it were only that simple! That's why this forum is very useful for us - we can understand each other's experiences.

Newly out of the relationship and having become aware that i have been involved with a sociopath and viewing their traits, i am just horrified at what i have exposed myself to and how much of a fraud he was and how fake the relationship was and how manipulated and captivated i was - what i gave and how i stayed no matter the constant abuse. i feel sick. how did i let this happen.

I dare say that most of us here have asked ourselves the same question. To find the answer, you have to understand how you were manipulated. Sociopaths are very good at detecting a future victim's vulnerabilities and insecurities, which they will then exploit ruthlessly to get what they need from their victims.

I understand how you feel. Sometimes I could literally throw up or want to scrub myself down with a wire brush to get rid of the feeling of being with a scumbag.

This is the odd thing -- I've been told by mental health professionals that we "allow" emotional and financial abuse and that is why it isn't a crime, like smacking someone in the head for example.

I disagree. How can you allow something to happen when you have no earthly idea that it is happening?
It's horrific but it's just something to work toward accepting -- these people do know how to scope out exactly what your weak spots are and they're very adept at pushing those buttons or feeding your own problems, meanwhile playing the victim like you're just so mean for pointing out how messed up their own behavior is.

I've just had to accept that sociopathy, or evil, has its own intelligence. I thought my ex was just about average intelligence, and she probably is, but she's cunning and probably if I hadn't lashed out at her when her manipulations had become obvious, she would still be here using me.

Oh yes, they love portraying themselves as your victim! They will even accuse you of the very things thy are doing to you!

And it's believable if you have a strong personality and they portray the waif-like, innocent, poor self esteem loser. "How could you be so mean to me? I'm depressed! I'm broke! I'm homeless! Why are you making me sound so horrible?"

Gosh.

Pendra- You are in the shock phase. Your posts even sound as if just typing your thoughts are draining you of what little energy you have left. :( So, to start-- (((BIG HUG FOR YOU)))

I can't even tell you how many mistakes I made, repeatedly, in the aftermath of my escape. I gave into his game and exposed myself to extra heartache.

So, at the risk of throwing out unwanted advice, I will share a few things i wish I realized early on, and hopefully can help you.

1) He is lying. He is always lying. Do not believe him for a second. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt. He has taken advantage of you too long. On the odd chance he is being honest- It is almost certainly self serving in some way shape or form.

2) Distance yourself completely if you can. NO CONTACT if at all possible. The sooner you can do this the better- You are still very fresh out of the relationship, and haven't had a chance to retrain your brain to recognize what is "healthy" and "normal". It is very possible you have been brainwashed. You have been manipulated for so long that you do not recognize, on an emotional level anyway, what is healthy. 13 years is a LONG time to be screwed with.. it will mess with your perception of reality. You have been living the reality he wanted you to see. And, like it or not, he does have the power over you to make you question yourself, doubt your instincts, etc. It takes a while, a LONG TIME, to break that hold. so, don't give him the opportunity to. But, recognizing he is a SP is a huge step.

3) have a sounding board, a support. Here, is a great place, a family member, close friend, therapist. Whoever is your cheering squad. I called my sister my anchor to reality. She was there to look at me and say " Um, that's not normal" and "that isn't ok" etc. She could view the situation at hand from an outsider's perspective, and unemotional perspective and help me recognize that my ex sending 15 bouquets of flowers to me at work one day & waiting for me by my car in the parking then telling me I was an ungrateful bitch who was possessive and controlling only before bursting into tears for my having broke his heart, was not "Sweet" or genuine or a sign of true emotion. It was a game. Sadly, I only saw a man who put so much effort into me and was distraught. Now, I know he is an incredible actor.

4) You will never have the closure you need from him. There is no reasoning, debating, or explaining that will make him see the light. He will never apologize. If he does, refer to #1. But I can not say this enough- You will NEVER, as long as the sun rises, get the closure you want. So do not waste what precious energy you have left trying to get it. It will ruin you. Your energy and time is best spent on you.

5) Read. Read. Read. This has been my personal saving grace lately- Reading about these people is like finding the opposing team's playbook. When you understand how they operate, you know their "plays", you can adjust your game accordingly.

Be strong, sleep, rest, get outside, meditate, whatever puts you at peace. These people have been described by psychology professionals as not having a soul. They ARE evil. You haven't landed in a place where people come to just name call and whine about their ex's. These people are monsters on earth, who trick mostly everyone. Please DO NOT beat yourself up! It's not like a 3 headed alien walked into your life and you didn't know better. You got duped by the best of the best- but... you survived. AND you will be ok... I promise.

Hang in there Pendra... I wish you the best...

are you there
thank you so much for your information
i need to chat with someone about how duped i feel, how manipulated, what a fraud he was, how i was so controlled and manipulated - how sick he actually is, and emotionally damaging - i just feel absolutely sick to the stomach how is it possible i never left in 13 years that he had me so under his control he has wrecked my life

Your life isn't wrecked since you have the information.
I totally understand that sick puking feeling, it's horrifying.

Anyone there

My ex took his life after dating a sociopath on and off for 6 years. I am sick over this and that I didn't stay in touch with him. She had guns and a suicide note to keep him around. It makes me so angry what she did to him. I hate myself for not checking in with him over the years.

Block all avenues of access that he has to you, your email address(es) block his number from getting through if you can. If he calls and you pick up unawares hang up immediately. In this case it is not rude. It is self preservation. If you have an FB account tighten security so he has no real access to it and ban him. He may create another account to access you. Ban him again. If you change your phone number make it a private one so that he can't find it in the phone book or on the phone company's website. Do similar things with cell phone number and other ways he has access to you. Don't isolate yourself. Get involved with people who are great friends and trusworthy. Find somebody you trust that is comprehensive and be a witness to things you say about your victimisation, If in the future you wonder about your judgement you can ask that person who will tell you the truth of the situation and affirm you as acting correctly if needed. There may be other things but start with those for now. I just wrote my NC letter a few days before Mother's day........to my Mother. Mother's day was not the greatest this year with all the triggerring posts landing there in regards to the wonders of mothers. But I got through it. I knew I would. Emotions are another thing to watch out for. They may come. But they are temporary. Something I'M keeping in mind. One Day at a time and post here when things get to you. :)

Hi Pendra,

I feel for you so much we here are going through different stages of healing I know at this point you feel your in hell and I promise you you are not alone. This is not your fault you have been manipulated by a monster and it is going to take time and alot of education about this type of human until you turn a corner. You will, I know you don't feel it now but you will.
Rae and Empathic are so right!! Follow there advice to the limit you owe it to yourself. This is the big YOU time do things for yourself to help you on your healing path. Stay NO CONTACT stay away from social media anything that will trigger a depressive response in you has to go. It is really important also that you go with how you are feeling each day if you feel like crying cry hard do the dooner therapy for a while its fine. 13 years is a long time you did your best it shows just how strong you are so now its time to use that strength for you. Send your love in the right direction hug those who deserve your love and attention you will experience those who don't understand what you are going through or will support your Ex keep your distance from them this is about you and you don't have to explain to anyone.
We are all here for you its tough but believe it can be done and every bad day is a day you don't have to go through again.
Hugs sweet thing I am glad you are here!

Pendra, you've been given some excellent advice, and I encourage you to keep posting and reading. Educate yourself about personality disorders, take a lot of deep breaths, and know you are not alone. Wishing you much healing and peace. Big hugs to you, Pendra!

Pendra,
I think that Rae gave you some excellent advice. The advice in #4 is the hardest to deal with: there will never be closure with a psychopath -- it's waste of time and energy to try to get one. Nothing that they do, no matter how vile, will ever be their fault; they will always have someone to blame for their abject behavior or find a way to rationalize their immoral actions. Rae is absolutely right that on those very rare occasions on which they apologize for something that they have done, they don't really mean it -- there is surely an ulterior motive for apologizing and it involves some form of manipulation.

There is no point in arguing with them either to make them admit their fault or the abuse they have subject you to because their minds are very different from those of normal human beings. As Prof. Robert Hare pointed out, psychopaths are from a subspecies of human beings.

Like most of us, you must be often imagining how you would reproach the person who abused you, but it's best to cut that form of mental torment short by remembering at every instance that your abuser is not fully human person, he is a mentally ill person, from whom it's pointless to expect normal behavior, let alone any standard of decency. He is in essence a predator, and always will be.

I wish you a quick healing, Pendra.