Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Has anyone been called this by a friend--and by this, I do not necessarily your ex? Are survivors prone to become passive aggressive after all of the crap we went through?
I used to the be the 100% happy, strong, yet introspective person before the experience with the N/S. I'd always smile and very rarely argued with anyone (except perhaps my sister when we were younger but we were kids). The experience with the N/S taught me a lot about others and about myself. Admittedly, after such an experience, you lose your faith and trust in people. Barriers are created. It was a daily struggle to get where I am today after I went NC but I really thought I made a lot of progress and had arrived at a good place again.
I have always been a giving, kind empathetic person but the N/S did make me lose it toward the end. I chalk it all up to the gaslighting...But that was expected, right? Now that chapter is over and I feel I have accepted everything that happened last year and made progress in my healing, I no longer feel the need to exude the 100% happy face around everyone I used to know or have met since. I truly think I'm happier again, still generous, but am definitely more aware and refuse to be taken advantage of.
I allowed an old friend (who happens to suffer from some health ailments and is diagnosed bipolar--she's on meds) of mine to move in to my apartment a handful of months ago. She was living in her brother's basement and after she had been unemployed for a year, I wanted to help her. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't living at my place for free but the rent I charged was nominal. I helped her find a new job. Served as her reference as I had many times in the past. Took her out when she didn't have much money. Let her borrow many items in my home. Even let her adopt a dog that I ended up taking having to walk more often than I ever agreed to and cleaned up after it because it had bladder problems. It wasn't my dog....It was hers and that was the agreement. We were both transitioning. Moving on in our lives. It went well until the last week. She kept complaining that she her bedroom was too cold and I asked her if she still had the space heater I had given to her to use in her room and she responded that she had taken it to work-- she normally works from home so that made no sense to me. She knew I gave it to her for her bedroom. I asked her why she brought it work and she said it was a gift and she could do anything she wanted with it. I then responded that I had given it to her for her room. I walked away from the conversation shortly thereafter because she was becoming unreasonable.
As she was getting ready to move to a new apartment last week, which I fully supported, I took a pre-planned trip out of town. She knew I was leaving. Due to our schedules, we did not run into one another again before her move date.
BIG MISTAKE because I was out of town, I asked her in an email to please leave her keys on the kitchen table and reminded her to please clean her bedroom and bathroom before she left...I wished her well in her job and at the new place. Then the nasty emails came. She accused me of being passive aggressive. Stated that she would not pay the utilities that she agreed to pay previously because she was frustrated with me and felt I disrespected her by wishing her well in my email. I won't bore you all with the other taunts and accusations she made but it really struck a nerve with me. I wrote a subsequent email to her and reminded her that she was a friend and a former colleague and everything I had done was out of the kindness of my heart...I elaborated a bit on some of the things I had done for her and that I did value her and only wanted the best for her but I received an even nastier email from her. I didn't respond to it.
I don't know...Maybe it's the fact that she is bipolar and is stressed with her move but I do wonder any of this makes sense. Passive aggressive?
I used to the be the 100% happy, strong, yet introspective person before the experience with the N/S. I'd always smile and very rarely argued with anyone (except perhaps my sister when we were younger but we were kids). The experience with the N/S taught me a lot about others and about myself. Admittedly, after such an experience, you lose your faith and trust in people. Barriers are created. It was a daily struggle to get where I am today after I went NC but I really thought I made a lot of progress and had arrived at a good place again.
I have always been a giving, kind empathetic person but the N/S did make me lose it toward the end. I chalk it all up to the gaslighting...But that was expected, right? Now that chapter is over and I feel I have accepted everything that happened last year and made progress in my healing, I no longer feel the need to exude the 100% happy face around everyone I used to know or have met since. I truly think I'm happier again, still generous, but am definitely more aware and refuse to be taken advantage of.
I allowed an old friend (who happens to suffer from some health ailments and is diagnosed bipolar--she's on meds) of mine to move in to my apartment a handful of months ago. She was living in her brother's basement and after she had been unemployed for a year, I wanted to help her. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't living at my place for free but the rent I charged was nominal. I helped her find a new job. Served as her reference as I had many times in the past. Took her out when she didn't have much money. Let her borrow many items in my home. Even let her adopt a dog that I ended up taking having to walk more often than I ever agreed to and cleaned up after it because it had bladder problems. It wasn't my dog....It was hers and that was the agreement. We were both transitioning. Moving on in our lives. It went well until the last week. She kept complaining that she her bedroom was too cold and I asked her if she still had the space heater I had given to her to use in her room and she responded that she had taken it to work-- she normally works from home so that made no sense to me. She knew I gave it to her for her bedroom. I asked her why she brought it work and she said it was a gift and she could do anything she wanted with it. I then responded that I had given it to her for her room. I walked away from the conversation shortly thereafter because she was becoming unreasonable.
As she was getting ready to move to a new apartment last week, which I fully supported, I took a pre-planned trip out of town. She knew I was leaving. Due to our schedules, we did not run into one another again before her move date.
BIG MISTAKE because I was out of town, I asked her in an email to please leave her keys on the kitchen table and reminded her to please clean her bedroom and bathroom before she left...I wished her well in her job and at the new place. Then the nasty emails came. She accused me of being passive aggressive. Stated that she would not pay the utilities that she agreed to pay previously because she was frustrated with me and felt I disrespected her by wishing her well in my email. I won't bore you all with the other taunts and accusations she made but it really struck a nerve with me. I wrote a subsequent email to her and reminded her that she was a friend and a former colleague and everything I had done was out of the kindness of my heart...I elaborated a bit on some of the things I had done for her and that I did value her and only wanted the best for her but I received an even nastier email from her. I didn't respond to it.
I don't know...Maybe it's the fact that she is bipolar and is stressed with her move but I do wonder any of this makes sense. Passive aggressive?
You did the right thing to help her but also the right thing not to answer to her. What she is going to do with your niceness is not in your power so don't feel bad, but for sure protect yourself from people like that. You know you were not passive aggressive. She is giving you for granted and she needs to deserve your friendship. In my country we used to say :" don't give the pearls to the pigs", meaning some "little" people don't deserve precious ones.
It's interesting . I kinda have more or less the same experience. A friend of mine broke up with the boyfriend and he asked me for help. I came to stay with me for few days but I told him he had to contribuite to rent (thing that in the past I would not ask for , as too nice I am). So he disappeared the days after. He didn't contact me back no more . I have no idea where he is. I didn't call him because I felt a lil used. I'm done with this kind of people.
With this said, she had not right to treat you like she did, friends do not do like this, but I truly think it must be her illness that caused her to behave like she did. The fact that she acted this way even when she had no reason to feel attacked its best to sever the contact or cut it totally. Maybe she have other illness too for all we know. Sending you those nasty emails tells me there are more with her than just being bipolar, maybe she even is a sociopath. I dont know how far a person with bipolar illness would go, but its clear she has gone way to far to be a friend with.
Like Nutellina say, we who meet sociopaths are usually very caring and giving people. We are people pleasers. We need to be careful with who we help no matter who they are or seems to be, even friends. Unless we have known them for many many years and can feel safe.
Nutellina, that your friend just disappeared when hearing he had to help with the rent shows only he wanted to take advantage of your good nature. He was no friend.
I don't think you were passive aggressive and forget trying to explain yourself. She won't get it!
I was upset about this issue because it was someone who I knew for more than ten years and considered a good friend. It's good to know that I'm not isolated in my thoughts. I think us empaths are sometimes too kind and are prone to be taken advantage of. Gosh, I'm really seeing the light now. Human behavior can be truly amazing sometimes. I won't conclude that our experiences lead us to be passive aggressive...This was probably just an isolated incident.
I really believe I treated her, a friend, really well and did a lot to help her. I don't believe even a phone call instead of an email would've changed the outcome. She felt the need to be disrespectful and try to get out of any responsibility.
You're probably right in that the bipolar disorder or stress was affecting her. I won't let this situation get me down anymore. She can live her life and I will live mine. No more communication.
The good news is that I have begun converting her bedroom into my new workout room and ridding my condo of the dog pee smell. :-)
I guess I just wanted to know if others had been called passive aggressive as a result of their experiences with a S/P/N but I see now that this particular incident was probably more a result of her mental illness and not related to our experiences. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hugs!
Great to hear you are making the room your workout room! much much better!!! ;)