Please go talk to someone you trust- therapist, friend, priest, anyone. You are not alone and these feelings will pass in time. My ex committed suicide and it has ruined his family plus so many other people who cared. I feel so much remorse as I didn't staying touch with him for many years. I have pain and sadness thinking about what I should have done everyday to help him. I care. Please reach out to someone and don't ever give up on yourself. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. My ex was only 42 and if he had only told someone his feelings, he would be alive today. Please have faith that things will get better. Hugs!!!;)

My friends are afraid of my depression and the one I told my feelings took distance..... my religious community told me to go to talk with a specialist....who does have the money for it??
Reality is that I gave all of me my entire life and in exchange I have ......loneliness.

Nutelina, You are not old and I am sure you are not ugly. You are depressed. Call your county mental health agency and ask if they can offer free counseling or guilde you to an agency that can. Also call your local domstic voilence agency. They often provide free counseling. Hugs.

nutellina..we are here for you. I know what it is to fall to the floor in utter despair wishing my heart would just stop beating. If you have access to youtube right now checkout NeuroInstincts-getting over the breakup and lingering pain after psychopath relationship.........they have many helpful videos, it will help take your focus and depression into a different direction if you need help right now

Nutellina. You are loved and you can love. Please try to remember that the person you were with, if they are a P depleted you of your energy and tried to steal what makes you special. However, that cannot be taken away from you, you still have it. You were born with the ability to love. In this instance, it has been used against you. I understand what you are saying about your friends being afraid of your depression and your religious community telling you to talk to a specialist. I understand because I have been there. It seems to defy logic how people respond to these situations and is very disheartening. Please do not give up and take your life. You are loved and needed. Someday you will recover. Your experience can help to warn and heal others of these predators.

I'm 48 and I totally understand the space you are in at the moment.
This is horrible and at the moment your brain is in a dark space but please understand this
it will pass and it's not long now you will get to a point when you will realize you have a reason to be here.
Trust me sweet gal you are so close to turning the corner being in the depths of despair like you are now is your turning point...the only way is up.
Nutelina Kris is right get help just making the appointment will make you feel you are doing something positive for yourself.
Remember this... you are lovely and extremely special what you are going through is torture but it's not your fault your P has put you here please don't let that evil non entinty ruin you.You are strong and have so much to give others you have helped alot of us here by sharing your story.
We love you!
Stargone xxoo

Nutelina, so sorry for what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel but dont give up. I know the impulse you feel to commit suicide and it is understandable. But you cant let this monster win..Someone once said on this board that the best revenge is to recover and live a good life. I think about what happened to me every day and though I am better, it is still hard sometimes. Something has died that had to die, so that something better can be brought to life. I hope you can access some free counselling to start but other things you can try to do is exercise, even if it is just a walk and try something new that you have always wanted to do with your life. I know it is hard but please press on. The monster is not even human and is therefore not worth your distress. I hope this helps. I find it so hard to be articulate about this. It is hard to even explain it to someone who has not experienced it. We are here for you.

I've known those feelings, Nutelina. Thank you for having the courage to share them with us. After what we've each been through, trust is a tough thing to give. Please do seek the help and support of your friends, family, people on this forum and please do try to get professional help. Just try to live life one day at a time. Pavlova is right about exercise...that and some natural sunlight can make a difference.

We are thinking of you and praying for you.

Thank you everyone and I hope you will be right.
I'm not sure if this is a consequence of my ex P but the thing is I see only darkness and I do not feel like having nothing to live for. No husband, no kids, friends are there if I do not open up too much, family is in another country...... I do not have a job I like, I'm just alone inside and outside.....

I think you're depressed, Nutellina. That is a medical condition. I've been there very recently myself. Everything seems hopeless at those times. Try to remember other times in your life when you felt that way and take comfort in the fact that you got beyond them. You will get beyond this one, too.

Nutellina,
The worst thing that you can do when you're depressed (which I know all to well unfortunately) is to remain isolated from human contact because you will then only see your own perspective. Please talk to someone, a family member, a friend, an online acquaintance... even if they are not a specialist, they will surely be able to offer a different perspective. Life looks very bleak after being dumped by a psychopath; it's only natural that after the abuse they subject you to you will feel as if you were living in a dark world without hope. But there is hope. You're only 40 -- that's not old! Isn't there a saying that goes: "life begins at forty"?

Good advice. I try myself, when that dark comes, to remember this will not last forever and that I have been there before . There are times when medication will be of great help for a period.

It's being 5 months we broke up. I don't even remember his face no more.
Why I'm feeling like that now? After that long?

I lost all my friend because I was talking about my situation...... I just can't talk to no one.....they always leave me!

I hope you are doing ok, nutellina. I have and do feel this way at times.
Do something for yourself. Start a diet and exercise program, get a haircut, buy some new shoes, etc.
I know these things are hard when you feel like this, self care is so easy to let go by the wayside.
I plan on getting a haircut, a pedicure and whitening my teeth sometime in the next week or two.
I'm going to start using a sugar scrub in the shower to soften up my skin.
I'm 44, alone, no car, and these things may sound silly, but they are just about all I've got right now.

And 5 months is not that long, so stop beating up on yourself. I'm sure I burnt out my few friends, too.