Hi SylvanaDe,

What an absolute tragic situation you are in I'm in Australia so I don't know how it works in US but have you thought about asking your Doctor for a referal to a good councilor for you and your children? They re so young but at a good age they as adults will be able to remember who the real abuser was. Your P is pulling there strings emotional manipulation is horrific and must be stressing you out completely. I hope your Dr can advise you in the meant time you have to take care of you too NO CONTACT only through your lawyer.
I'm thinking of you keep posting here let us know how you are doing.
Hugs

I have been going through this with my ex for years. Here are a few observations that might help. First of all do everything you can "right" to get as much custody of the kids as you can. This is going to be very important long term which is what you have to think about. What is going on right now should -- should -- calm down once there is an establishment of custody and the kids can bounce back, mostly. In the meantime don't let him push your buttons. Hopefully the guardian ad litem will see through his manipulation -- most of them are used to seeing these games being played. Don't give up hope and be the rock for your kids. Whether they acknowledge it consciously they will at least subconsciously be drawn to the more stable of the two parents. It will be years before the kids can say which home they want to be in so that should not be a major factor at least not yet but I know it is painful for you to hear and see them being used as pawns. It could backfire on him completely if the GAL is a good one. Whatever you do, do not live down to the name calling and slandering of your character.

As for counselling, the facts are that unless you have sole legal and physical custody he will have the right to participate in the counseling with them or at least be in contact with the counsellor if he finds out you are doing it. If he is smart he will demand in court that all such therapy be made known to him and if he is manipulating the kids that much they will probably tell him. Bear in mind that he may be already doing counseling with them to gain testimony against you -- have you asked? So what was told me was, go into counselling yourself and bring them with. That way the counselling is for you so it is protected by privacy laws. It is a game and it may not work. Most people, even most professionals, do not understand the sociopathic mind at all. In a normal relationship there is usually some shared blame but with a Sociopath there is no hope that anything you do differently will change them. Unless the counsellor understands that a relationship with an S is in a completely different category they likely won't be much help. You need to find someone who truly understands.

Be strong. It has taken me 6 years just to get the legal stuff over. It has been a nightmare beyond description. You are not alone.

Sylvana,

I have a few questions about your case. You implied that your divorce has been ongoing for 4 years but you recently relocated?

1. Are these post-divorce issues? Was your divorce ever finalized?
2. If no, do you have temporary orders in place? Who has legal custody over the children? I know that New York is a default 50/50 state.
3. What did the court say about your relocation?

I can't refer you to any particular psychologist in New York but any psychologist who specializes in trauma and domestic violence should be able to help them. Go to your local DV shelter for recommendations, or even get counseling there.

AND you need to definitely get counseling for yourself ASAP. First impressions hold a lot of weight in court and if you look & act like a trainwreck, the other parent will most likely get custody. You have to take care of yourself before you can start working on the kids. Kids are resilient and yours are of a young age. The damage CAN be repaired but you need to fix you first.

My case:

Too long to explain the history w/ my ex-husband but simply put: He lies as easily as he breathes and has the temper threshold of a toddler.

We did our divorce ourselves, pro-se. I have full physical custody. The mistake I made was giving us joint legal custody; however, we relocated (which significantly cut down the time our kids were exposed to my ex) and my kids & I are all now 150% better. Like I said, things can be repaired.

Know your N/S/P's weaknesses and desires and use them to your advantage. These people aren't difficult to figure out once you know what you're dealing with.

We have been in court I believe at least 5 times over the past 4 years and we're gearing up for one final battle royale. I can tell you what the judge's look for. I also work closely with the courts in my own job and I, too, am guilty of being quick to judge. You see so many cases that you become jaded.
It's understandable why some magistrates make poor decisions with such little information.

Women (especially single moms) are stereotyped and most judges are men. You have to beat the stereotypes. You have to be the calm & collected June Cleaver. Fix you first.

You can private message me with more details, if you'd like.

I had exactly the same experience! My children were the same age as yours when I was dragged into court on false allegations of child abuse (so he could keep them away from me). I poured so much energy into the custody battle that I lost out on a career as a reg. nurse. Needless to say, I am broke and he has the children. I'm not sure if there are happy endings when you're dealing with a psychopath. My boys are now 14 & 15 and barely speak to me. I do not know if the damage can be undone. (Sorry if this is depressing but this is what happened to me. Hopefully the outcome for you and your children will not be so tragic).