Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I am at ground zero. A shell of the woman I once was trying to rebuild. My ex is without a doubt a sociopath. My only "lucky break" I guess is that he was not the violent type. His abuse was primarily emotional with verbal attacks and manipulation. For 7 years I fell for the lies, guilt trips, empty promises, and so much more. I took him back time and time again. There were periods of time when I thought I had successfully broke it off when months had gone by without hearing from him, but then he would find some way to weasel his way back into my life. Finding out later that the only reason I hadn't heard from him sooner was always another woman that he was "mooching" off of.
Not anymore.
I am finally free. I recently started researching sociopaths knowing for some time that he was one. I spent a lot of time reading about them, but most of all reading blogs and stories from functioning sociopaths (which mine was not) from their point of view. I realized that the reason I could not get him to leave me alone was because I was the one initiating the break up. If he had decided I was no longer a viable victim he would choose to move on himself. I have proved this theory to be true. I went to great measures to make this happen. Some people may even say I went too far, but I see it as success. I have never been a manipulative person prior to this and was even concerned that his morals had somehow "rubbed off on me" when I was devising this plane. However I am a mother and I need to do all is necessary to protect me and my children from anymore of his abuse.
Basically I made myself useless to him. I removed all the reasons he felt he could us me for. I moved all my remaining money (long sigh) to an account he had no knowledge of and claimed to be broke. Right away this seemed to start working, since he could not hold a job to make money of his own. Furthermore I quit my job. This was extremely effective as he was forced to find a job. He only worked for 3 days, not surprising. I started to openly snoop around, and questioning his every move. ( I do not recommend this for the violent ones by any means). Once I had no money the rest was easy. His car broke down and I had no money to fix it. Now he was stuck at home. Being stuck at home was undoubtedly one of the worst things that could happen to him. I carried my car keys around with me even to the shower, knowing if he could find them he would flee for hours and not answer the phone. He became very agitated in this state of "stuck". No money and no car took a toll on him quickly. Within a week he was talking about how maybe I was right and we wanted different things in life. (yea like I want someone that loves me and he wants someone with money that believes his lies). I started reconnecting with my friends and family. I decided to go back to school (major in psychology, lol I know right). Now I am a broke college student with no job and a bunch of friends coming around. This pushed him further and further away. If I had known bettering myself would get rid of him I would have done it ages ago.
The last step was to become the needy. From what I read they generally are attracted to strong women because of their ability to be the bread winner and have assets the sociopath wants. I had nothing to offer him. I put a great deal of stress on him to get a job. I even cried like a baby at every bill that came in the mail. He quickly realized there was nothing left for him to take. He claimed to have gotten a job and on the first day of work I dropped him off and never seen him again!
I have had little contact with him where I cried that I needed him to come and get a job and support his family. I would like to believe it was only part of my plan, but down inside I think I really did want him to come back. However he is turned off completely by needy women and would never be able to be the "bread winner". He also believes it was his choice to leave so he feels in control. Once he started ignoring my text and what not. I knew I had done it! Free at last, free at last. Usually by now he would have sent facebook msgs, emails, or some sort of long "I love you can I come home". Nothing!
Some of my friends think I was foolish. Yes I have no money and no job now and have a long way to go. I think that getting rid of him was worth it.
Sorry for the novel, friends don't get it. Hoping for support to stay strong.
Not anymore.
I am finally free. I recently started researching sociopaths knowing for some time that he was one. I spent a lot of time reading about them, but most of all reading blogs and stories from functioning sociopaths (which mine was not) from their point of view. I realized that the reason I could not get him to leave me alone was because I was the one initiating the break up. If he had decided I was no longer a viable victim he would choose to move on himself. I have proved this theory to be true. I went to great measures to make this happen. Some people may even say I went too far, but I see it as success. I have never been a manipulative person prior to this and was even concerned that his morals had somehow "rubbed off on me" when I was devising this plane. However I am a mother and I need to do all is necessary to protect me and my children from anymore of his abuse.
Basically I made myself useless to him. I removed all the reasons he felt he could us me for. I moved all my remaining money (long sigh) to an account he had no knowledge of and claimed to be broke. Right away this seemed to start working, since he could not hold a job to make money of his own. Furthermore I quit my job. This was extremely effective as he was forced to find a job. He only worked for 3 days, not surprising. I started to openly snoop around, and questioning his every move. ( I do not recommend this for the violent ones by any means). Once I had no money the rest was easy. His car broke down and I had no money to fix it. Now he was stuck at home. Being stuck at home was undoubtedly one of the worst things that could happen to him. I carried my car keys around with me even to the shower, knowing if he could find them he would flee for hours and not answer the phone. He became very agitated in this state of "stuck". No money and no car took a toll on him quickly. Within a week he was talking about how maybe I was right and we wanted different things in life. (yea like I want someone that loves me and he wants someone with money that believes his lies). I started reconnecting with my friends and family. I decided to go back to school (major in psychology, lol I know right). Now I am a broke college student with no job and a bunch of friends coming around. This pushed him further and further away. If I had known bettering myself would get rid of him I would have done it ages ago.
The last step was to become the needy. From what I read they generally are attracted to strong women because of their ability to be the bread winner and have assets the sociopath wants. I had nothing to offer him. I put a great deal of stress on him to get a job. I even cried like a baby at every bill that came in the mail. He quickly realized there was nothing left for him to take. He claimed to have gotten a job and on the first day of work I dropped him off and never seen him again!
I have had little contact with him where I cried that I needed him to come and get a job and support his family. I would like to believe it was only part of my plan, but down inside I think I really did want him to come back. However he is turned off completely by needy women and would never be able to be the "bread winner". He also believes it was his choice to leave so he feels in control. Once he started ignoring my text and what not. I knew I had done it! Free at last, free at last. Usually by now he would have sent facebook msgs, emails, or some sort of long "I love you can I come home". Nothing!
Some of my friends think I was foolish. Yes I have no money and no job now and have a long way to go. I think that getting rid of him was worth it.
Sorry for the novel, friends don't get it. Hoping for support to stay strong.
thank you again
I received a text from him yesterday: "I really am heartbroken about us."
I waited a couple hours then texted back that I was heartbroken too, then repeated my apology for not being good girlfriend material and my plan to go it alone the rest of my life, then ended with "Be good to yourself."
He texted right back: "I'll try."
I cracked up laughing picturing him playing at being heartbroken and it was the best feeling knowing that I'm the one moving the pieces around the chess board this time.
Then later he sends another text: "I want u 2 know that I loved u very much. like the song by Adele' sez We Could Have Had it All."
Again, I am cracking up - picturing him picturing me as this sad woman who has sworn off relationships - and picturing him so proud of his performance even though his audience is down to 1 - himself. So I played my part one last time: "Thank you. I know. Its so sad. I really loved you too. But i know you will find the happiness you deserve. Peace."
If and when he responds, I will tell him that its just too painful remembering our dream and tell him I have to break all contact. Still not out of the water, but soooo close. A month and a half ago, I would have burst into happy tears upon receiving his vile texts. And a month and a half ago I was on the phone with the suicide hotline feeling absolutely crazy and hopeless. So this is a definite step up!
Looks like yours didn't know what he was up against! Good luck with it.
Beth
Mine thought he was successful in sending me off with this quasi nostalgic good-bye that I almost fell for...but when I found holes in it and reminded myself about his actions never being congruent with his words...sure enough, there he was walking out the front door with the OW just 2 days after claiming how heart-broken he was. So when I exposed him to her and handed her the letter with all his incriminating evidence, he probably managed to bamboozle it away from her and fabricate the most intricate of lies about me on the spot . And how he had switched into this unrecognizable new persona right before my eyes-- it was the most freakish thing to witness, I'll never forget it.
I ended up trying to deliver another letter after work that same day, since I thought he might pry it away from her-- there was a light on at his place and I thought it must be the OW packing her things, so I rang the doorbell and someone turned the light off, so it must have been HIM coming back home early from work to destroy all the evidence before she returned...how EERY that whole scene was for me. I always pegged him for such a clueless dummy, but he is so cleverly under-handed and resourceful when it comes to his covert agenda.
I somehow think he really views ME as betraying HIM for telling her what he did funny enough, since in his eyes he gave me this phony, transparent heartfelt send-off telling me that she didn't know about his leading a double-life, so the fact that I got in between his riding off into the sunset with her scott-free...I mean, how dare I interfere with that? I mean, in his eyes, we had a deal...he came clean by telling me all the gruesome details of his betrayal and honoured his word by providing me with my so-called final farewell (a very different version from what I had envisaged mind you), so it's as if he thought I owed him one by keepin his secret from her...I mean c'mon!! In his eyes, we were done, so how dare I come in between him and his next conquest? It's next to impossible to make sense of that mess and yet he just moved on like that and has no apparent issues waking up to each other both of them knowing how he cheated on us for over a year and they can look at themselves in the mirror with a clear conscience each morning as she probably irons his shirt, prepares his breakie and makes his lunch for the day...SO VERY TWISTED!
When I last saw my ex, despite trying to out his lies to his parents, I still felt sorry for him. My last words to him were: "Will you be okay?". <sigh> His words were "What do you think?" I wish that those words had been part of a genius plan like JJ and Malissa! If only! Luckily though my mum did make to hand him a bag of his belongings and dropped them on his foot! :)
Reading the posts on this site keeps me grounded too. I've been lucky that mine won't risk his job (he's a policeman) by harassing me or coming back any more, so apart from a few seemingly 'nice' texts he hasn't taken revenge for my parting shot of calling him a sociopath and telling him to never come near me again!
It's almost funny in hindsight that he couldn't believe I was leaving him, despite having caught him in some serious lies! (the worst being he told me he had cancer, because he knew I would stand by him like I had for my previous partner who really had been ill!)
I hope your strategies work and you are free for good and can move on to a sunnier future.
Every time I hear anything close to a sob story I feel suspicious!! I practically ran away from the charity collector who told me he had to meet his quota for the day and asked if he could at least have a hug!
After reading ur story....... The word wow fuck comes to mind
Very similar to me sorry for the f....word.
My research I was advised to become boring to him and he would get bord and leave he did but then he returned .... We have 3 kids together .....6 half years ....not married. I,like him to just leave again and get my peace ,bit he still seems to cling. Oscar performance of trying to be nice and his temper is calm for now ....but I wait for the abuse again......any advice?????
I am going through very similar....... How do I get him to go?????
How do I become needy?
Am a strong woman
He has just stolen from me again
I want him gone...... All advice is welcome