Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
First off hello to everyone. Im quite new to support groups and a little out of my comfort zone, so please bear with me. I guess the first step to understanding and recovery is taking some form of action. Here's my story as minimal as I can be. For now.
Basically I'm still reeling from taking a shovel to the face, realizing the woman who I held so dear does not exist. And never did. 10 years and a beautiful 3yr old little boy together and Im left with not knowing what is up, down, left or right.
3 months ago I began having an awful gut feeling that something was wrong. Our marriage far from perfect like many, was still "ours". Something I gave my all to, and would do so until I was no longer. Yet I couldn't pinpoint why all of a sudden I started to become beyond paranoid. Probably the late night text from her boss which went off while I was making dinner for our family. Not going into details. That was the thread that made me unravel the sweater which she wore so perfectly for many many years. Long story short it began my journey into this rabbit hole of deceit. Im not proud of it...but I began to snoop. Phone, laptop, zip drives and usb's. I wasn't quite sure what I would find but prayed it was just me "overthinking". One things for certain I wasn't prepared for what I did find. Countless pictures, videos, texts, emails. Countless. From other men whom I know all to well through all of her prior jobs in sales. Great at what she does, she surely sold me on on this life I thought she was living. Everything discovered goes back as far back as when we first started dating. Looking back how could I have been so fucking naive?? I feel my blood run cold and insides shake as I'm writing this now. All kept as a trophies for her...as if she were proud. I didn't have the words or the stomach and still don't. Im just waiting for it all to be a dream. That time has yet to come.
Trying to process everything and all my emotions, I confronted her the night I discovered everything. Mountains of evidence and still I wasn't sure what I needed to hear or see from her. An I'm sorry, I need help and endless stream of tears? I received none of that, and still haven't to this day. It was like an emotional switch went off and I no longer saw her brown eyes. I only saw the darkness behind them. She denied everything, even went as far as to say I was sick in the head and should probably seek help. Of all the times to laugh that really made me do so. And still does now. Thats what 10yrs of my life has been compacted to. A really shitty laugh.
I just keep thinking about her pregnancy and what a magical and wonderful time. Envisioning our son, what he would look like? Who he would look like? What qualities would he have? Those things now terrify me. As much as Im just floating about not knowing whats real. Im most concerned for him. Am I his father? Will he have her qualities? Im sorry, Im beginning to ramble and man there sure is some therapy in writing. Im getting lost in it. It feels good to release whats pent up in my mind.
I had always heard the words Psychopath/Sociopath and never quite understood the full meanings and associative behaviors linked to them. Ive only discussed what has hurt me the most. I'm mainly throwing that out for anyone reading who may be questioning this post. The monetary part of it is just that, money. I was never a millionaire nor ever will be. I work hard and it will come back. And you sure as shit can't take it with you. So that part is easy. Everything else....I thought was part of marriage. Choose your battles. Marriage isn't always easy. I was brought up old school. The role of the husband was to be strong. The woman...was just to be the woman. Emotional, insecure, in need of attention not always... just at times. I guess when one person truly believes they've found their soulmate, its easy to assume the other feels the same. I missed oh so many things along the way. Of all things in this world that I would have said I was positive on, it was knowing who I was. Looking back I'm not sure I do. This has all been such a mindfuck.
I appreciate the time that any of you spend reading this entry. It has been greatly therapeutic. And I welcome any suggestions towards recovery on this road. I do have my first scheduled therapy session in just over a week. We'll see where that takes me:) Thanks again.
Basically I'm still reeling from taking a shovel to the face, realizing the woman who I held so dear does not exist. And never did. 10 years and a beautiful 3yr old little boy together and Im left with not knowing what is up, down, left or right.
3 months ago I began having an awful gut feeling that something was wrong. Our marriage far from perfect like many, was still "ours". Something I gave my all to, and would do so until I was no longer. Yet I couldn't pinpoint why all of a sudden I started to become beyond paranoid. Probably the late night text from her boss which went off while I was making dinner for our family. Not going into details. That was the thread that made me unravel the sweater which she wore so perfectly for many many years. Long story short it began my journey into this rabbit hole of deceit. Im not proud of it...but I began to snoop. Phone, laptop, zip drives and usb's. I wasn't quite sure what I would find but prayed it was just me "overthinking". One things for certain I wasn't prepared for what I did find. Countless pictures, videos, texts, emails. Countless. From other men whom I know all to well through all of her prior jobs in sales. Great at what she does, she surely sold me on on this life I thought she was living. Everything discovered goes back as far back as when we first started dating. Looking back how could I have been so fucking naive?? I feel my blood run cold and insides shake as I'm writing this now. All kept as a trophies for her...as if she were proud. I didn't have the words or the stomach and still don't. Im just waiting for it all to be a dream. That time has yet to come.
Trying to process everything and all my emotions, I confronted her the night I discovered everything. Mountains of evidence and still I wasn't sure what I needed to hear or see from her. An I'm sorry, I need help and endless stream of tears? I received none of that, and still haven't to this day. It was like an emotional switch went off and I no longer saw her brown eyes. I only saw the darkness behind them. She denied everything, even went as far as to say I was sick in the head and should probably seek help. Of all the times to laugh that really made me do so. And still does now. Thats what 10yrs of my life has been compacted to. A really shitty laugh.
I just keep thinking about her pregnancy and what a magical and wonderful time. Envisioning our son, what he would look like? Who he would look like? What qualities would he have? Those things now terrify me. As much as Im just floating about not knowing whats real. Im most concerned for him. Am I his father? Will he have her qualities? Im sorry, Im beginning to ramble and man there sure is some therapy in writing. Im getting lost in it. It feels good to release whats pent up in my mind.
I had always heard the words Psychopath/Sociopath and never quite understood the full meanings and associative behaviors linked to them. Ive only discussed what has hurt me the most. I'm mainly throwing that out for anyone reading who may be questioning this post. The monetary part of it is just that, money. I was never a millionaire nor ever will be. I work hard and it will come back. And you sure as shit can't take it with you. So that part is easy. Everything else....I thought was part of marriage. Choose your battles. Marriage isn't always easy. I was brought up old school. The role of the husband was to be strong. The woman...was just to be the woman. Emotional, insecure, in need of attention not always... just at times. I guess when one person truly believes they've found their soulmate, its easy to assume the other feels the same. I missed oh so many things along the way. Of all things in this world that I would have said I was positive on, it was knowing who I was. Looking back I'm not sure I do. This has all been such a mindfuck.
I appreciate the time that any of you spend reading this entry. It has been greatly therapeutic. And I welcome any suggestions towards recovery on this road. I do have my first scheduled therapy session in just over a week. We'll see where that takes me:) Thanks again.
you should be proud of yourself that you managed to stay attached to reality. Maybe you were lucky that she probably did not want to hoover you back, otherwise you would have risked to stay longer in such a nightmare. Don't be too harsh on you. You have been deceived because she is a great deceiver! Also, she took advantage of your great personality traits, such as being a loyal, good, empathic, loving person. These supertraits will help you along the healing process, no doubt about it. It's not your fault. You have been deceived by a master of lies and manipulation. I agree with what has been said, that the hardest part is to acknowledge that NOTHING in the relationship was real and authentic. Since such horrible behaviors also trigger bad consequences on the deceiver, one cannot see WHY people would behave in that way. It is not rational, nor successful oriented, to destroy the people who love and support us the most. And yet these people exist, and to have them as parents of our children is quite scary.