Victims of Psychopaths Community Group

Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.

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finalepisode 04/20/2015

First off hello to everyone. Im quite new to support groups and a little out of my comfort zone, so please bear with me. I guess the first step to understanding and recovery is taking some form of action. Here's my story as minimal as I can be. For now.
Basically I'm still reeling from taking a shovel to the face, realizing the woman who I held so dear does not exist. And never did. 10 years and a beautiful 3yr old little boy together and Im left with not knowing what is up, down, left or right.
3 months ago I began having an awful gut feeling that something was wrong. Our marriage far from perfect like many, was still "ours". Something I gave my all to, and would do so until I was no longer. Yet I couldn't pinpoint why all of a sudden I started to become beyond paranoid. Probably the late night text from her boss which went off while I was making dinner for our family. Not going into details. That was the thread that made me unravel the sweater which she wore so perfectly for many many years. Long story short it began my journey into this rabbit hole of deceit. Im not proud of it...but I began to snoop. Phone, laptop, zip drives and usb's. I wasn't quite sure what I would find but prayed it was just me "overthinking". One things for certain I wasn't prepared for what I did find. Countless pictures, videos, texts, emails. Countless. From other men whom I know all to well through all of her prior jobs in sales. Great at what she does, she surely sold me on on this life I thought she was living. Everything discovered goes back as far back as when we first started dating. Looking back how could I have been so fucking naive?? I feel my blood run cold and insides shake as I'm writing this now. All kept as a trophies for her...as if she were proud. I didn't have the words or the stomach and still don't. Im just waiting for it all to be a dream. That time has yet to come.
Trying to process everything and all my emotions, I confronted her the night I discovered everything. Mountains of evidence and still I wasn't sure what I needed to hear or see from her. An I'm sorry, I need help and endless stream of tears? I received none of that, and still haven't to this day. It was like an emotional switch went off and I no longer saw her brown eyes. I only saw the darkness behind them. She denied everything, even went as far as to say I was sick in the head and should probably seek help. Of all the times to laugh that really made me do so. And still does now. Thats what 10yrs of my life has been compacted to. A really shitty laugh.
I just keep thinking about her pregnancy and what a magical and wonderful time. Envisioning our son, what he would look like? Who he would look like? What qualities would he have? Those things now terrify me. As much as Im just floating about not knowing whats real. Im most concerned for him. Am I his father? Will he have her qualities? Im sorry, Im beginning to ramble and man there sure is some therapy in writing. Im getting lost in it. It feels good to release whats pent up in my mind.
I had always heard the words Psychopath/Sociopath and never quite understood the full meanings and associative behaviors linked to them. Ive only discussed what has hurt me the most. I'm mainly throwing that out for anyone reading who may be questioning this post. The monetary part of it is just that, money. I was never a millionaire nor ever will be. I work hard and it will come back. And you sure as shit can't take it with you. So that part is easy. Everything else....I thought was part of marriage. Choose your battles. Marriage isn't always easy. I was brought up old school. The role of the husband was to be strong. The woman...was just to be the woman. Emotional, insecure, in need of attention not always... just at times. I guess when one person truly believes they've found their soulmate, its easy to assume the other feels the same. I missed oh so many things along the way. Of all things in this world that I would have said I was positive on, it was knowing who I was. Looking back I'm not sure I do. This has all been such a mindfuck.
I appreciate the time that any of you spend reading this entry. It has been greatly therapeutic. And I welcome any suggestions towards recovery on this road. I do have my first scheduled therapy session in just over a week. We'll see where that takes me:) Thanks again.

walkingthewhiteline 04/20/2015

I am sorry this happened to you. This site was great when I discovered my husband's secret life.

sparkstrong 04/20/2015

FinalEpisode, I read every bit of your story and believed it. I was victim no. 3 of the same kind of relationship. Mine started with the love bombing and empathy bombing. Then the money bilking using the empathy bombing. Over a year into the relationship I discovered the emailing and sexting with several women, but he explained it away with claims of looking for affirmation, childhood bullying, remnants of being dumped by the first fiancee. I bought the whole thing and continued with the relationship while he lived in my house free. Then once he got a good-paying job, he started paying "rent." So mine went on for two more years, before the little voice in me told me he was living beyond his means, and I might end up being responsible for his bad decisions, so I ended it. Hell to pay came then. I ruined all his plans. A court case to try to reclaim loans, beyond the tens of thousands of dollars, turned into constant delays and an erroneous counter-claim. 80 days and I'm still waiting for a judge's decision on a botched, defense manipulated hearing. I'm still reeling from the "what if's." I definitely believe you because they are out there, and that's how they work. Check out these articles from a site called LoveFraud.com .If clicking on each doesn't go to them, go to the site and type the first three words into the search window.

http://www.lovefraud.com/.../open-letter-lawyers-clients.../ An open letter to lawyers of clients ...
http://www.lovefraud.com/.../letter-to-lovefraud-a.../ A sociopath's control over uninformed persons
http://www.lovefraud.com/.../to-mom-and-dad-9-reasons.../ To Mom and Dad: 9 reasons why your son or daughter fell for a sociopathl

Read all you can, so you know how to deal with the aftermath as events come along. My thoughts are with you.

waitingwife 04/21/2015

Finalepisode So sorry to hear your story. Yes, many of our stories are similar. How long has it been since you discovered your wife's affairs? It is a very long road to recovery and having children with her of course makes the relationship ongoing. So there is even an added step in the recovery and that's co-parenting with the person who has crushed your heart and soul. It is a process, a long one, and unfortunately it is you the betrayed who not only gets screwed but has to do all of the work towards healing. But you have started. And the more we are aware and face the facts the sooner we will will get towards are healing and maybe even forgiveness.

You mentioned your wife seems to have had multiple affairs. And you mention psychopath/sociopath, but not enough else is mentioned about her personality and of course having multiple affairs may not necessarily indicate she is a psychopath or sociopath. I'm sure your therapist will help you discover what leads her to her destructive vices. If you haven't already you might want to look into 'sexual addiction'.

Stay strong and get closer to your babies.

LiveInTruth 04/21/2015

I am sorry you find yourself among us. It is great here but no one wishes they were here. Your story is about par for the course. I think you may already be finding and will continue to find that it is not so much the act of cheating...those are just joined genitals. It is the the absolute deceit involved with your life. Even the good times will be tainted now that you know your life was a lie. This is called cognitive dissonance and it is the HARDEST part about recovery. It takes lots of truth finding and TIME TIME TIME. Do yourself a favor and find a good therapist that you can see long term and is familiar with sociopathy. You will need this to get sane again. It is unlikely that you will find your support system can understand the mind fuck you have been dealt and you may feel very lonely and crazy. A professional can help you work through some of that. Come here and just start posting, even if it sounds stupid because the healing process is very similar from person to person and we have all been where you are now. Hugs to you stranger.

finalepisode 04/21/2015

Wow. Thank you all for your replies! Its nice to meet the each of you.

walkingthewhiteline I appreciate that, thank you. I'm very hopeful and pleasantly surprised about what Ive experienced thus far. I know I have quite a journey ahead, slow and steady I go. I'm sorry for your discovery as well. I wish you the best.

spark strong thank you so much for the links I will definitely have some reading ahead of me. It sure sounds like you've had quite the experience as well. It seems you were pretty keen to the warning signs and put a roadblock in front of his plans. Good for you. Sorry to hear the proceedings aren't going forward as quickly as your own actions. The "what ifs"....I'm filled to the brim with them. I'm still so engulfed in thought that people like this exist. Pure plastic fronts with mechanical innards. Best of luck with everything and hope it all turns out in your favor. Thank you again.

Waiting wife thank you, its quite creepy just how similar stories are across the board! I was thumbing through posts and couldn't believe it. But it sure made me feel sane to know it wasn't all in my head. Yes I've read just how difficult it is with children and co-parenting with one of these creepers. Thats been very difficult. For about a solid week I was having panic attacks hours before I would drop my son off. I no longer live at home and share custody with our boy. Divorce proceedings are in the works. But as of now no attacks, and I'm always strong for my boy. I do however slip on a mask of fake confidence and smiles whenever I see her. I can't let her think she's gotten to me. Ugh forgiveness...I'm a Taurus. That means I'm likely to die sooner than that will ever happen lol. I've never liked to carry ill will towards anyone, its a heavy weight and no good for the soul. But this will be with me for quite some time.
And yes, she's very much a sociopath. She passed the test with flying colors. I was just very selective on speaking out on what hurt me the most. Everything else, honestly....I wrote off as her being a bitch. A spoiled little princess. I dealt with the belittling, the love bombs, the controlling, the overly high view of herself, never ever saying sorry, zero remorse. It was all there. I had fairly thick skin so I shrugged it off alot. But looking back over everything after my discovery. I felt like a schmuck. Humiliated beyond belief and I honestly didn't want to admit I was that naive. And yes I have been looking into sexual addictions as well. Even though I know its for my recovery and understanding. I can't help but feel so much of my time, reading and research going into someone else's problems which avalanched onto me.... seems so utterly bogus. Considering I wish I knew nothing of her.
It's a real battle but yes, I'm staying strong. For my son first and then myself. He's the hot water bottle for my soul:) Thanks so much!

LiveInTruth I am sorry too, its an unfortunate thing that has brought us here huh? You've summed everything up perfectly. The deceit has been absolute poison. Basically I've written off every memory imaginable as a lie. Replaying situations over 10yrs backwards and forwards. Connecting dots and broken lines. I loved a ghost, someone who never existed and that destroys me. Anything connected to her is false and tainted. I can't even have things now which I've loved for so long because she's spilled all over them. Music is a huge part of who I am and shared so much of that with her over the years. Years of memories tied to music which I can't bear to hear. Silence isn't comforting to me. Oh I have found a therapist who specializes in sociapathy, my first session is a week from today:) I'm ready to get this show on the road. And yes I feel very isolated and alone. And completely out of sorts in public. It feels as if a spotlight is shining down on me at all times. The feeling of craziness has passed, it was short lived but brutal!
I will continue to write and post, it has quite the calming effect. And it slows my mind! Thanks so much for your insight, you hit it dead on for me! Hugs back.

sparkstrong 04/21/2015

So, FinalEpisode, was music the hook for you? My S used music, courtesy, Overt Christian tendencies (reading scripture, religion inflections) and finally empathy bombing. We sang a lot together, as well, with harmony, which mostly cemented our relationship. Opening car, building doors impressed my mother big time. Sadly, anyone who is very courteous these days will run the gamut of suspicious activities that NPS do to hook their victims. That's also what he used on all 4 of his victims. The 4th I was actually able to watch him do all the things that I now know are part of the "love bombing." Of course, I didn't know anything about these activities until I started doing the research. Now I have a name for it all.
Follow this thread. Note how the Spath draws attention to himself and his material things.

SS: Yep...I saw you as I was driving back from a meeting downtown in my Crossfire Roadster..I wanted to keep driving....anywhere :)

CB: Oh my gosh....soooo nice out!!

SS: Glad I am leaving early today. Celebrating Carmies' birthday by going to Louisville and spending the night :)

CB: Oh that's right!! Have fun.

BE: Yes kind of nice out varoooom

SS: Carmie decided that she wanted to get behind the wheel of the Challenger to drive to Louisville. It's Muscle Car Mama's birthday so I had no choice :)

I'm sure you can see what's going on. Right after we broke up, he sent me a text saying that I was all about my credit score and (I forgot what the other was). "Money can't buy you happiness." What?!?! He used my parents' and my money to get him out of a hole and keep him from going back home to his parents' home. Whatever, the Crossfire was never completely paid for. He walked away from the loan he got from my parents. The Challenger is from the $30,000 loan victim no. 4 (though she doesn't know it) co-signed a loan for two months after meeting him. He was over $125,000 in debt, which she had no idea. She also agreed to marry him within 2 months of meeting him. They're still in the "love-bombing" and "empathy stage, something he never had any money to do for me. The "empathy stage" has him telling her he's a victim of a crazy "ex." Every one of has been crazy. It will take a few years for things to start going south and for her to figure it out. Were you a first, or one of many?

finalepisode 04/22/2015

sparkstrong, it wasn't a hook but it was something I was passionate about. My favorite musicians and songs soon became hers, which then were tied to once "special" moments. I was always in search of music that would move her as it did me. Going to concerts from the moment we started dating. Playing music and listening to it had always brought me such joy and comfort in so many times well before her. So to not really have that as a go-to to help get me through this most difficult time has been rather awkward.
And sorry maybe you could help me out on all the abbreviations, I'm pretty green to all this. But yes I do follow your thread. It is extremely familiar. Everything was always about my wife. Center of attention. I could be bleeding out on the floor and she would comment how "that beautiful color of red would look great on her in a lipstick shade". I'm definitely the first one she had married. She had been engaged a couple of times before me. And those plus her "relationships" before me were all empathy bombs looking back, knowing what I know now. She spoke of all these horrific things that her ex's had done to her, which I'm sure was the complete mirror of truth.
I'm sure all of the men she stays in contact all serve her a purpose in the long run, not just the here and now sex. Police officer, lawyer, owner of the company she works for, accountant and a mechanic to name a few backgrounds. Money is a big common between what I discovered, but in a whole all of her bases are covered. Safety, legally, financially. That is frightening to me in my position now.

sparkstrong 04/22/2015

S or Spath is for sociopath N is just Narcissist NPS stands for Narcissist, Psychopath or Sociopath If you see ASPD Anti-social personality disorder DV will be for Domestic violence There will be more. There's lots of reading out there. Check out the site LoveFraud.com There are lots of articles, but you will find the next three articles very helpful if you will just put the first three words in their search window.

A Sociopath's power over uninformed humans
An Open Letter to Lawyers who have Clients involved with Sociopaths
To Mom and Dad: 9 Reasons why Your Son or Daughter Fell for a Sociopath

You will find lots of articles on the internet and there are quite a few support groups on Facebook.

lca3ac 04/22/2015

Hello, I feel your pain. I am 59 years old and survived a violent home life only to know in my gut that my home life was not life other people. I went on to swear that if I ever had children of my own I would make sure they were loved, nurtured, encouraged, and given every opportunity for them to discuss and choose their own ideas, to build self esteem. However, I went out into the world very naive, not knowing what a loving relationship was like. I attracted sociopaths/psychopaths. You know those charming, likable people. I have three grown children ages 36, 32, and 26. After 20 years of trying to figure out why they each rebelled and defied every good thing I encouraged I finally came to the conclusion that each one of my children are sociopaths. Very beautiful and handsome sociopaths. I almost died trying to figure everything out and I did it on my own by research. Over the years I had my children to psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, and not one of them were of any help. In fact whatever they discussed with my children made them worse. I know know that psychopaths lie like no tomorrow so who knows what they told the "professionals". In my research I have learned that psychopaths are attracted to the healthcare profession and many are psychologists and psychiatrists who prey on vulnerable people to take their money. I have met with many and each one of them could not fuck with my mind and what I researched and what I caught them in their own lies. Be very very careful who you talk to. Do not waste your money on them. As for your son, bless you, I pray he does not inherit the psychopathic gene from his mother. You can watch him and watch very closely if he show compassion, true caring, big strong hugs, does he run to you with excitement, (one of my biggest mistakes was not realizing that each of my children did not do any of this). Each of them had this laid back, non-chalont, could not care less attitude. They were always so calm and collected. I could tell you a horror story what happened outside of my home. Once they each turned 14, 15 every symptom of a psychopath was there but I had no one to help me see it. I was always told, oh kids will be kids, boys will be boys! That was all bullshit!! I have no contact with any of my grown children today because they literally almost destroyed me to the point of no return. So, I hope you stay very attuned to how your son shows empathy and caring. Also, the psychopathic parent can brainwash a child's mind easily if they themselves are psychopathic. A strong mind, even as a child can figure out what is right and what is wrong. I have 5 grandchildren, 3 have the psychopathic tendencies and 2 show true compassion as young as two years old. If your son displays any sort of psychopathic tendencies do not think you can fix him. Get help in how to deal with children who display these psychopathic signs. I wish you all the best, just do not put much into psychologists unless you can find one who truly is not one. Always protect your mind.

lca3ac 04/22/2015

Oh one more thing, I am totally alone. Have lost friends, finances, vehicles, etc. but money was never a big deal for me. I am a nurse and make good money (many nurses are also psychopaths). I have been surrounded by them my whole life and am only now figuring everything out. I used to call them bullies. Yes they are bullies but their true name is psychopaths, not bullies. I am literally reinvesting my life at 59 years old. Always remember one thing when you meet someone, if it's too good to be true you are most likely dealing with a psychopath, they like to move quickly, they say everything you want to hear, you think you have met your soul mate! It is truly unbelievable how they can fake who they truly are, simply amazing. Always take things very very slow when meeting someone. Always make sure their actions match their words! Good luck!

sparkstrong 04/22/2015

So Ica3ac, should I believe my therapist when he says that sociopaths, etc., are not that prevalent in society? I think they're pretty prevalent when I've been in relationships with two, and my daughter married a narcissist.

LiveInTruth 04/22/2015

I have had two very good therapists (the first retired). I am sorry Ica3ac that you have not had the same positive outcome I have had...I wish you had. I think it is wise to make sure people have their own eyes open but I don't think anyone should be afraid to seek help. I disagree with your advise to stay away. Spark, in your research I am sure that you have run across materials that refer to the personality types that attract NSP. They are not prevalent however something in our personalities are like magnets for them. It is not a surprise you have had 2 relationships. Me too...back to back (although the first was way worse then the second). Very common to have that happen. And your daughter, also very common, her personality is trending after you. Also, remember that there is a sliding scale as to the degree that a Narcissist exists and the Psychopath lives. I think otherwise normal people can, yes, have N traits but not be full out N's but us being hypersensitive to this is attentive and noticing before other people. They can fill very different roles. My first P was evil to the core, the second one a N who is just purely selfish and self-serving. One meant to destroy on purpose, the other is oblivious to anything that does not impact him. Both suck ass and harm me but I cannot catagorize them the same.

sparkstrong 04/22/2015

LiveInTruth. I didn't know anything about Spaths when I met either. I had little cause to "educate" myself when he left because all I thought was that he was a huge liar, and felt that along the way. He took my father for $28,000. I didn't know the second was a Spath, because he came off very courteous, Christian, etc. Some embellishment I thought was pride because he'd used the empathy bombing and it took place during the 2008-2009 economic crisis. So, I couldn't pick up on it either. Even to the end of the relationship in 2013, when I just felt he continued to live beyond his means, him attending pro and college sports events, concerts,movies, etc., my not attending because of taking care of my parents 24./7, I still didn't see it. I was booked solid in my life with teaching, parent responsibilites, and meeting his needs. I still had never heard of a sociopath, but finally figured something was really wrong when he stepped up the lying to others about our relationship, and really figured it out and educated myself when he began telling scores of lies on the witness stand. I was in shock at the things he was saying. A little too late, though, because the case was manipulated by this horrid excuse for a human being. Interestingly enough, I realized that victim no. 2,(I'm 3) who died in January of cancer, had been quite the surprise for him. In talking to her parents, I realized that he was a sociopath who might have met up with a narcissist (at this point I don't think her parents realize that, or maybe she just had a "bitchy" side to her), and eventually her N came out against his S. Ultimately, he won out, using her N against her and the fact that they went broke and lost everything. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, but it's an interesting thought to me. Sociopath wins over Narcissist. I never saw any abusive N in him: just found proof of the systematic way he used all his victims towards his end. Now watching him potentially use up a 4th. By his admission, "It usually goes fine for a few years, then falls apart." Don't care when; don't want to see it; just want it to happen.

lca3ac 04/23/2015

Hello, thank you for responding. What you just sent in you e-mail is exactly what my very own son is. He is the sociopath who was with a narcissist. Brutal combination! I have watched my son have several very disturbing relationships and because he always was so good with me I always blamed the girl he was with. I thought they were destroying my son but it was the other way around. My son was destroying them. Bless your heart. Stay strong. I know what a smear campaign is like. You almost go crazy! I am now very strong once again. My only problem is now I worry so deeply about my grandchildren. They even hoodwink child protection services!!

lca3ac 04/23/2015

Hello, thank you for responding. I truly appreciate any and all opinions. I was so hoping that my youngest daughter was not a sociopath or maybe narcissist. But I received a broken jaw from her boyfriend's brother, (sucker punched) and had to have two operations. I only wanted to see my daughter and grandbaby as he has total control over her (so I thought). It was my daughter's place and she allowed me into her place but both her boyfriend and brother would not allow me to sit down. I sat on an end table. Her boyfriend was in a rage and his brother jumped in my face and sucker punched me in the face breaking my jaw in two places. My daughter chose to stay with this guy. I cannot comprehend that.

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