Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Hi there Everyone! This is lengthy as I do not know whom to tell, as my own family does not believe me!
Here a rough overview of what has happened:
I met M (let's call him 'M') just over 3 years ago on Match. Initially I thought I had met my 'Soul mate'. We both are very much into cycling, the outdoors etc. Also I am German and he did speak German (very rare to find in the US ;) ). Anyway: for two years we had a long distance relationship (FL and OH) where it was mainly me visiting him. We did spend summers together, where we went on some great cycling trips. I also took him home to Germany to meet my family, who LOVED him.
Looking back to the beginnings of our relationship, there were many 'red' flags, which I did not recognize, as I was not aware of what was happening.
Just to highlight one, which absolutely confused me at the time: M has two dogs. The older one he has had for years. As she had puppies, he was going to sell them and HER (she is very hyper and it was more for that than the $$)! At the time we almost had an argument over this, as I could not believe that he would just sell off his pet of many years and companion which helped nurse him back to health when he had a heart attack, a few years back. I looked around for someone who would want to take her, to make sure she would be going to a good home. One of the girls I worked with, father owns a big ranch in Texas and loves dogs. He agreed to take Nina. When I told M, he had changed his mind. A few months later, he accused ME, that I wanted him to sell his dog!!!!!!!!!!! Only when I reminded him about the argument we almost had over him trying to sell her, he seemed to REMEMBER! I was utterly confused........even thinking: DID I SAY THAT? .....but I KNOW, I did not.
Anyway, two years into our relationship, I sold my house, quit my job and moved to OH.........he had flown down to help me drive the moving truck (I drove my car). We stayed overnight in Georgia and the next morning he had, what today I would describe as an anxiety attack, telling me, he couldn't do THIS and I had to go back to FL. Back? Whereto? I did not have a house any more nor a job- all my things were in the moving van. I finally got hold of his sister in law (on ph) who managed to calm him down. I was in shock and deeply hurt, but I figured to continue on and figure it out from there.
Once in OH (VERY rural), I initially took care of making the 'bachelor' pad a home (which M had agreed to): I painted all the rooms, modernized all electric (very old home)....etc : over the next few months, I never heard the end of what I had DONE to his house. He was watching me over weeks doing it! I finally said we had to lay this ONGOING argument to rest and I would change EVERYTHING back to the way it was, before I moved in. M's response: 'Oh no! Don't do that!' I said to him: 'What do you want me to do? You don't want it the way it is, but you don't want me to change it back either....I cannot win.' Many more things along these lines happened: I was only allowed to open windows a certain way. In winter he wouldn't let me turn on the heat and in summer not the AC. I could not be the last one walking out of the house, in case I would change anything, also opening the door to the room my poor cat was in, which he HATED! At one point we went to a counselor (which he picked). Once she started to point out certain things (may be three sessions into it), he told me, he would not go back, as he did not need two women telling him what to do. When my niece was about to visit from Germany, he took the house key from me, the night of her arrival and let me drive by myself in the middle of the night to the airport, when I did not know the route. When we took the dogs out to play and they started to bring the ball he threw, back to me (without me calling them, even standing away on the side)...he got angry at me.
I also found a box filled with swimsuits and pantyhose under the bed one day and when I asked him about it (I thought they were from an ex-girlfriend), he looked at me and said: I wear this! In the meantime I have also found out that he sends pictures of himself dressed in womens' underwear and pantyhose to whoever is interested, online. He has also contacted HUNDREDS of women online, trying to befriend them.
Throughout this relationship I was getting more and more stressed out, distraught, couldn't function properly any more and was questioning myself, if I was really doing all these things, he was accusing me off. One time he got Shingles, another time he had a cough he could not get rid off....and it was MY fault.
When I finally went to see a counselor, he listened and the told me, that I was dealing with a Sociopath, who had also Borderline Personality and schizophrenic tendencies. He told me to leave asap, as I was in a dangerous situation. When I told M I was moving out, he was happy to hear that. He also did not help me with ANYTHING (moving my heavy furniture out etc......his friend helped and let me store my things at his farm). Only once, during my moving out, he came into my room and nonchalantly said: 'I see you are making good progress. Are you planning to take all the outlet covers and light fixtures you installed. Let me know how much you want, I pay you for them.' (ALL the things he did not want at one point, he now wanted to stay???)
I left one day, without saying good-bye, blocked him on FB and drove away with my car and a few of my things. The rest is still at his friend's house, as I am TERRIFIED to go back there.
In the meantime he has stayed in contact with my family, who thinks he is just a great guy (when my niece was visiting, I obviously did not burden her, she is 16, with what was going on, yet was at my breaking point).
8 months later, I still cannot function properly, also knowing that he is convincing MY OWN FAMILY, that there is something wrong with me. I tried to tell my sister and brother in law several times.....but I guess they do not believe me. I also went to see another counselor, where I am now, and she told me pretty much the same thing, I had heard from the first counselor. She told me I was one of the 'lucky' ones, as I got away alive. She said: 'THEY won't kill you, but people often commit suicide after having gone through this kind of mental abuse. The womens' shelters are full of victims of Sociopaths.'
Also I do not see myself as a victim, as I did everything out of my own will, I cannot understand, WHY my family does not believe me and WHY they never ask what actually happened. I am trying to heal and have a very hard time to associate with anyone who cannot understand what I am going through (most people can't).....BUT my own family?
ANGELA
Here a rough overview of what has happened:
I met M (let's call him 'M') just over 3 years ago on Match. Initially I thought I had met my 'Soul mate'. We both are very much into cycling, the outdoors etc. Also I am German and he did speak German (very rare to find in the US ;) ). Anyway: for two years we had a long distance relationship (FL and OH) where it was mainly me visiting him. We did spend summers together, where we went on some great cycling trips. I also took him home to Germany to meet my family, who LOVED him.
Looking back to the beginnings of our relationship, there were many 'red' flags, which I did not recognize, as I was not aware of what was happening.
Just to highlight one, which absolutely confused me at the time: M has two dogs. The older one he has had for years. As she had puppies, he was going to sell them and HER (she is very hyper and it was more for that than the $$)! At the time we almost had an argument over this, as I could not believe that he would just sell off his pet of many years and companion which helped nurse him back to health when he had a heart attack, a few years back. I looked around for someone who would want to take her, to make sure she would be going to a good home. One of the girls I worked with, father owns a big ranch in Texas and loves dogs. He agreed to take Nina. When I told M, he had changed his mind. A few months later, he accused ME, that I wanted him to sell his dog!!!!!!!!!!! Only when I reminded him about the argument we almost had over him trying to sell her, he seemed to REMEMBER! I was utterly confused........even thinking: DID I SAY THAT? .....but I KNOW, I did not.
Anyway, two years into our relationship, I sold my house, quit my job and moved to OH.........he had flown down to help me drive the moving truck (I drove my car). We stayed overnight in Georgia and the next morning he had, what today I would describe as an anxiety attack, telling me, he couldn't do THIS and I had to go back to FL. Back? Whereto? I did not have a house any more nor a job- all my things were in the moving van. I finally got hold of his sister in law (on ph) who managed to calm him down. I was in shock and deeply hurt, but I figured to continue on and figure it out from there.
Once in OH (VERY rural), I initially took care of making the 'bachelor' pad a home (which M had agreed to): I painted all the rooms, modernized all electric (very old home)....etc : over the next few months, I never heard the end of what I had DONE to his house. He was watching me over weeks doing it! I finally said we had to lay this ONGOING argument to rest and I would change EVERYTHING back to the way it was, before I moved in. M's response: 'Oh no! Don't do that!' I said to him: 'What do you want me to do? You don't want it the way it is, but you don't want me to change it back either....I cannot win.' Many more things along these lines happened: I was only allowed to open windows a certain way. In winter he wouldn't let me turn on the heat and in summer not the AC. I could not be the last one walking out of the house, in case I would change anything, also opening the door to the room my poor cat was in, which he HATED! At one point we went to a counselor (which he picked). Once she started to point out certain things (may be three sessions into it), he told me, he would not go back, as he did not need two women telling him what to do. When my niece was about to visit from Germany, he took the house key from me, the night of her arrival and let me drive by myself in the middle of the night to the airport, when I did not know the route. When we took the dogs out to play and they started to bring the ball he threw, back to me (without me calling them, even standing away on the side)...he got angry at me.
I also found a box filled with swimsuits and pantyhose under the bed one day and when I asked him about it (I thought they were from an ex-girlfriend), he looked at me and said: I wear this! In the meantime I have also found out that he sends pictures of himself dressed in womens' underwear and pantyhose to whoever is interested, online. He has also contacted HUNDREDS of women online, trying to befriend them.
Throughout this relationship I was getting more and more stressed out, distraught, couldn't function properly any more and was questioning myself, if I was really doing all these things, he was accusing me off. One time he got Shingles, another time he had a cough he could not get rid off....and it was MY fault.
When I finally went to see a counselor, he listened and the told me, that I was dealing with a Sociopath, who had also Borderline Personality and schizophrenic tendencies. He told me to leave asap, as I was in a dangerous situation. When I told M I was moving out, he was happy to hear that. He also did not help me with ANYTHING (moving my heavy furniture out etc......his friend helped and let me store my things at his farm). Only once, during my moving out, he came into my room and nonchalantly said: 'I see you are making good progress. Are you planning to take all the outlet covers and light fixtures you installed. Let me know how much you want, I pay you for them.' (ALL the things he did not want at one point, he now wanted to stay???)
I left one day, without saying good-bye, blocked him on FB and drove away with my car and a few of my things. The rest is still at his friend's house, as I am TERRIFIED to go back there.
In the meantime he has stayed in contact with my family, who thinks he is just a great guy (when my niece was visiting, I obviously did not burden her, she is 16, with what was going on, yet was at my breaking point).
8 months later, I still cannot function properly, also knowing that he is convincing MY OWN FAMILY, that there is something wrong with me. I tried to tell my sister and brother in law several times.....but I guess they do not believe me. I also went to see another counselor, where I am now, and she told me pretty much the same thing, I had heard from the first counselor. She told me I was one of the 'lucky' ones, as I got away alive. She said: 'THEY won't kill you, but people often commit suicide after having gone through this kind of mental abuse. The womens' shelters are full of victims of Sociopaths.'
Also I do not see myself as a victim, as I did everything out of my own will, I cannot understand, WHY my family does not believe me and WHY they never ask what actually happened. I am trying to heal and have a very hard time to associate with anyone who cannot understand what I am going through (most people can't).....BUT my own family?
ANGELA
I also do know, that I am stronger than M (I am still here): I am stronger in who I am, what I believe in, what I stand for and what I have accomplished so far in my healing process. I am growing (growing always hurts) and he is stuck, doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting a different outcome, which according to Albert Einstein is the definition of insanity.
I will go out this summer and ride The Great Divide and I will succeed!
Now for M: without his family, who will support him NO MATTER who he is and what he does, he is a poor, lonely soul who has to have control over others, in order to feel in control and alive at all: I take pity on him and there are times when I am sad, knowing that his life most probably will never be fulfilled.
http://psychopathsandlove.com/?s=traits+of+the+victim&submit=Search