Lovechild he just knows what buttons to press .. he is incapable of reading your emotions because that would require a grain of empathy .. but he has observed how you react in certain situations .. and these *reactions* are now being used against you!

You become de-sensitized to the abuse Kris ... as I saw less and less of normal people ... his craziness became my reality .. when I finally cut all ties it was a huge sigh of relief .. you never fully appreciate your freedom until you've lived in close proximity with a psycho !!

XP solved that by moving in with me, uninvited.

Insanely, prior to that, he broke up with me, repeatedly, saying he couldn't bear to spend time in my "shit hole" city, and saying how most women would pay money to spend a weekend in his country home. I told him most country boys would pay money to spend a weekend with me. He said he wasn't competing--but then why should I compete? Go with the women who'll pay money, if you've got such better deals I'm not here to kiss your ass.

So, he moved in with me, in my apartment in my "shit hole" city. I was working part-time. He ran my health down so far that, after a year, I had to stop working, and we moved to his farm. We lived there a year. I kept my apartment. Throughout our 2 years of living together, we were in our separate homes, on average, a week out of every month.

I don't know why P's push for more commitment--mine sure he did. I think most of them do. I suppose they want proof of how much you are into them, how much control they have. They want you to give up your life so that, when they dump you, you are dust. They never, ever return that commitment, in reality, and they always lie, cheat, destroy, smear and discard.

Definitely, manyrivers, you become de-sensitized to the abuse. I look back on it now and I am just stunned by how I lived. It was absolute raving insanity day in and day out, and I took part in it, in the final year. He had just utterly broken me down. I am still traumatized and have trouble functioning as I did before him. He broke my health. I had physical health issues before him, but he broke the level of health that I had. I did not feel relief when I first went NC. It has taken a long time for me.

I had long periods away from mine Kris .. refused to give up my independence .. never even let him in my house for two years ... I spent two and a half years going back and forth ... periods of as long as 7 weeks ignoring his bullshit .. by which time he was jumping through hoops ...

It took me about eight months of continuous abuse cycle of about three weeks apart to realize that something was REALLY amiss, and I wasn't dealing with straight forward character flaws ... which by this time .. had insidiously damaged my self esteem and all round perception of the world in general.

It took even longer to sink in .... because you don't want to believe it (at first) .. you want to be mistaken .. when infact your intuition will have been telling you for months (even years) that things aren't exactly as they seem.

The commitment thing is about control .. what's yours is theirs also .. but I do suspect they use it as part of the mask facade, maybe to appear normal ... blend in ...

I think you are right about that last part, too, manyrivers. They use a facade of commitment to appear like a normal person. P set up an elaborate lie, as soon as he moved in with me, using his 20-something daughter as his confidante, which he had done since she was 12--that I was abusing him. He loved me, but I just endlessly hurt hm. He was, in reality, doing to me all the thngs he told her I was doing to him.

He set up the lie even before moving in with me--using his boss and co-workers as dupes--same lie about how abusive I was. (He was retired and had a seasonal, very part-time, job.) I was his beard. He was partnered, but abused, so therefore, didn't marry.

I can guarantee you that, if I was abusive, I would have had a boyfriend in the 10 years prior to him--a string of them, in fact. Abusers need someone to abuse. But I would dare any P.I. to find even one boyfriend in my closet. I didn't date until shortly before I met him. I don't need drama in my life. I like peace and quiet.

I've been no contact for 18 months now .. I barely give him a second thought these days ... and everything is crystal clear .. I don't feel disdain or anger or sorrow anymore ... I am glad to have my life back ... with my own opinions .. doing the things I want to do ... it's grand!

I no longer take people at face value .. these days people have to earn my respect and trust ... I don't just give it away and treat everyone with the benefit of the doubt. I reserve my empathy for those who truly deserve it ... and use my intuition to guide me so much more than I ever used to. People with psycho like traits are given a wide berth ... on the whole it hasn't been a solely wasted journey!

What you describe is what I am hoping for, and working on, for myself. Now is a rough time because I am back in communication with him regarding return of my belongings. He was under a NC court order for a year. In spite of the order, we had contact in March. So I had only about 10 straight months NC. It is amazing how much my view of him has cleared up in that time though.

I think I will be giving these characters a wide berth from now on, too. I agree it is not a wasted journey, but possibly one of the most difficult. I am glad you found your way out. :)

Keeping the contact to a minimum is a must! Get your belongings .... and run to the hills !!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geHLdg_VNww :P

Defending yourself whether verbally or otherwise is not abusive .. speaking out or calling someone out when they cross the line is not abusive .... this stuff is massively projected onto you where you are actually saying 'I can't have been abusive because of this ... and this!' ... you need to stop right there and rewind a little! You are none of these things (end of) these are the opinions of a lying cheating scumbag ... give them back to their owner :)

All they do is project. That's it.
Mine never really pushed commitment because he was married. Once she left him he really couldn't bring me around his kids since you can only imagine what he said about me to the wife. She would have made his life hell if I was around the kids. Not just because I had an affair but because he said horrific things about who I was. However I would beg that getting me pregnant three times was a clear attempt to "keep" me and get me committed. It just backfired on him when I told her and took his money for it.

Well, as you know, they twist you up so intensively, that you do lose your logic and balance and your place in the conversation--which, at a certain point, is no longer a conversation, but a continuous gutting of you, while you cry and scream. That's what they are going for. XP got it from me, but I know what I really am, and everyone in my life knows.

In my view, XP doesn't have opinions, certainly not about me, and not about anything. He has diabolical views, intentions and pursuits. He told me he has prayed for me throughout our NC the other night. I asked why he prays and what is God to him. He sent me a photo of Dorothy staring wide-eyed into a fairy tale book about the Wizard of Oz. I asked him if he prays to the Wizard of Oz or some other entity. I know what he is. He knows what he is. We both have his number. He is not entitled to any opinion about me, and we both have always known that, on any real level.

I made the mistake of trying to be reasonable .. even friends with mine .... when we finally broke up ... quite simply because he refused to go away .. I had no intention of honoring that relationship ... I just said it so he would stop harassing me .. but he found more and more reasons to push back into the fore front of my life .. walking over boundaries .. but all the time treading carefully incase I saw through the facade ... I ended up with a drunken maniac pulling a knife on me when he realized I would never drift back into a relationship with him .. and this was someone with no real record of violence (the odd scuffle and once he grabbed me round the throat) ... I absolutely never saw it coming ... souless eyes .. foaming at the mouth ... it was far from attractive!

Wow, I actually did remain friends with my ex-husband who was a much milder P than XP.

I will heed your warning, though I think XP eliminated the prospect of freindship when he tried to Internet booty call me late last night (this would be for "supply," but XP craves that most of all). Flirting while looking at extremely filthy porn is his favorite cup of tea, so I learned whle living in his den of iniquity.

It didn't hit me that was what he was doing to me, in recent communications, until last night. I think we are done here now, very, very done, communicating about anything other than practical issues. :( Ick!!!!!!!