Im trying to hard to move on, I have come such a long way but I am so stressed with all this. I really want to just move on but I am so stuck in old habits about how I react. What do I need to do to change that?

He asked me to give him a character reference. yes its a joke isnt it. and when I said I couldnt give him one but he could pass on my details to the person interested he has stonewalled me. Its a classic punishment thing he always did. I feel like I want to do anything to get back in his favour, anything! But I wont give him that.

He is going through this court case trying to clear his name. He was accused of grooming and sexual harassment of a young girl who worked for him, she was 14. and a young 14 at that. He is consumed with anger about it. But I feel as strongly that what he did was so very innappropriate and wrong. He is scrabbling around trying to get people to defend him and say he is a good guy. He wants me to be one of those. I did try and explain to him that as his wife I couldnt. So the stone walling begins.

But thats no surprise is it. It is what he does.

What I am concerned about are my feelings that I will do anything to get him to talk to me or respond. What am I thinking!!! I know its classic Co-D response but I thought I was better. I feel fear all the time, my hands are shaking and I am a mess.

I really want to go NC but I am so scared of pissing him off, and this has pissed him off. I need him to support me for a year which is the agreement we had. I wanted a lump sum but he obviously wants to string me along for the whole year...

I have created a new FB profile in a new name, I have created a new email address and changed my mobile number so I can create a new life free of him and all his sordidness. I still feel dirty to think of him and how he said he believed I had been a working whore when we met. I feel sick about that still.

What can I say to myself to get past this?