Yep, I get that. That same thing would make me happy as well. Just to have a friendly relationship for our child. Talk about him and share the joys. I would be so easy to co-parent with. He just had to be nice. Could not even manage nice. What person other than a disordered person cannot handle just being nice? I do not spend much time lamenting what I don't have in this because it is not healthy to focus on that. My son will need someone to be the adult and support system and it won't be his Dad so I focus on my beautiful boy instead. :)

Yep me too Live. My older child's dad whom I was with for over ten years would tell anyone that I'm a great Coparent. Hell, he tells me all the time! Honestly, I'm so laid back and easy going. It is great! So good I think sometimes it would be nice to live together again - but still be single. Ha.
I have been doing better not focusing on what I want versus what I have. I swear on my life that my feelings about the ex and our child situation literally are based on my hormones. It is like clockwork. One week I don't care, the next I'm furious, then indifferent, then grateful he's not around. It is a constant roller coaster and I can predict each phase based on my monthly hormones.

I need support. It's been 6 months since he totally discarded me and our child. I haven't heard a word from him. I also have not said anything to him. I can't get it all out of my head. I feel like I don't exist. Like I never existed. I feel so sad and angry. I just want to reach out. I'm at the point I'll apologize for anything. I just want to feel something other than this horrible invisibility. I am going crazy.

Lovechild I'm sorry you feel so down. It's been a terrible ordeal for you and your child, but as hard as it is to accept, he clearly does not want to acknowledge his responsibility as a father. If you break your no contact and speak to him, you will only regret it! What exactly would you be apologising for? The truth is, your child is better off without him ... and so are you.

Thank you Rivers. Of course logic tells me that he would contact me if he wanted to see our son. I just have that nagging emotional crap that says I should reach out and try to see if he'll talk and maybe want to see our child.
I want to apologize that when his gf called me - I told her all the truth about him. She stayed anyway. Was a waste of my energy. I want to apologize for having our child against his desire to not do so. I want to apologize for taking child support from him every month.
I feel like I'm not alive. Like I'm sitting in some tunnel of darkness that I can't get out of. He has not acknowledged me for 6 months since I told the gf all the truths. I regret it.

You shouldn't be apologizing for any of those things ... how many babies these days are planned ... ? Don't humble yourself to an arsehole who can't even acknowledge his own child.It's like you are blaming yourself for his mistakes ...!

Yes and I was careless. I was so in love that I was reckless. I terminated two before I had the third. The pain of abandonment is worse than owning his (our) mistakes. I'm so in love with my child that I will do anything to make him happy. His dad is not bad per se, he deserves to have a father.

You have to fight back from this ... the trauma bond you form with like people can sometimes feel like addiction ... If he is an antisocial then you will have been broken down before he discarded you.

Yes the trauma bond. I'm like an addict. I own it 100%. I've been fighting for months from it. It doesn't get better.

You're rationalising his behaviour ... I think you should remind yourself of the reasons you came to the conclusion that he was a sociopath / narcissist .. I absolutely understand where you are .. And I really wish there was something I could say to burst the bubble

Thanks. He told me early on he was a SP. I didn't believe him because he was so wonderful. It wasn't until the discard and new gf called me that I researched and knew it was true. I Know it is true. I know it is. I just want this nightmare in my head to end. He's not even remotely bothered by my absence or abandonment of our child.

Yes it does get better ... Trust me! But you need to help yourself too. You can't go back in time and looking to the future will seem daunting ... Take one step at a time ... As a mother myself ... I wouldn't let one of these individuals near my son whether it was his father or not! It's not just yourself you have to protect now

He has other kids and is at least kind of there. He coaches and mentors kids three times a week. He looks like such a great great guy! Even to me sometimes...

It will catch up with him eventually .. They do all kinds of jobs but anything where they can wield some kind of control is their vocation. You need to shift the focus from him to yourself ... all this stress must be wearing you down!

Agreed. Coaching promotes his positive self image and image to others. Plus the kids all look up to him so much. His real job is a manager. In fact the gf is his employee.
I don't know how to take the focus of him. I come here and it helps but no one else even begins to understand the trauma bond you speak of. Literally everything he said about himself was a lie. For years he conned me into believing he was someone he was not. And I tried so hard. Gave him back money each month from his support to the child because I thought he was so broke and lonely. He was using it on all his new gfs.