We had to move home since my fiance lost his job in California. I had a brief moment of employment (at a call center - gag) but it was not nearly enough money to live off of. My fiance has job skills that rate a much higher pay than I do so any living expenses rely on him. I know that that is hard for him to deal with since he is going on almost year with only 5 weeks of employment in that time. His anxiety and depression has not been good during this, of course.
I was laid off from teaching and had to compete with probably 50+/- other History teachers for maybe TWO posted positions each year. I gave up on teaching - though I want to teach in a corporate setting one day (i need more training).
For three years I have been un- and underemployed. Long story short - my fiance lost a job we relocated for and we had to move 'home' and are staying with his family (in a trashy, smokey, trailer with yet another round of food stamps and one month so far of couple of interviews, no job offers). I am 45 with my daughter on her own and my son about to be 18 next week. I feel like a failure - i had 7 years teaching experience but nepotism and hiring freshout of college teachers kept me from being hired. Teaching is the only thing I excel at and i can't even gain employment there.
This is the lowest point of my life. I have a promising possible job at a prison in the next town (administrative paperwork stuff) but if they don't call with a job offer by Friday, I'm going to have a 'crew', minimum wage position at KFC. -_-
When your 45, college educated, have vast experiences through other jobs (casino, horse barn, retail, trucking company, election commission, chef, call centers) and you can only score a job making 7.50 an hour? When i was 21 and got the casino job i went from the horse farm making 4.75/hr to 7.50/hr i was elated! that was decent money back then (1991) but now? i've returned to minimum wage and i wont even get 40 hours a week :-(
I stopped praying. it hasn't gotten us anything. i have become numb. i have moments of happy - laughing at tv or my wonderful fiance who does his best to make me laugh when he sees me down, but i am not a happy person. Years of this downward spiral, personally and financially has been to much. If i feel sad too much it may push me over the edge. I have had passive thoughts of 'i want to sleep for days and i don't care if i wake up' and 'maybe the truck will crash and put me out of my misery'. I am not a suicidal person, and my kids need me as their father is a deadbeat, but my life has gone nowhere. I did what i knew to do - college, get job i've always wanted my whole life - and it got me nowhere.
BTW, we moved from a town of over 300,000 to a town of about 10,000. so jobs are limited here. I was so happy to get out of this state - i felt betrayed by my home state - the heat and humidity, the sometimes backwards politics, the limited job opportunities. Now that we're back, i feel like the humid weather mocks me. That and the fact that the KFC interview was less than 5 minutes :-/.
I'm glad for this group so i can vent. My fiance's anxiety and self esteem is so low that I feel I can't do that to him fully - i don't want him to feel worse. I help keep him up when he's down and he does that for me, too. Having him is a blessing. I don't know where i'd be if I didn't have him right now.
Do any of ya'll feel guilty for wanting a nice apartment or stylish furniture or money to eat out on? WHY do i feel this way??? I just want a decent life and I'm ready and willing to make it happen. FML