@momentum, I agree with lovemarriage - YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH and it is your choice to stay or go. You are the only one that has to live with your situation. Only you know what you can handle.

I commend you for sticking in there. It takes a lot of guts, courage and self-control, not to mention character. You are a very good person and don't let anyone tell you different.

I know myself when it comes to the issue of another child. I love children very dearly no matter where they come from. After having dealt with infertility, every child is precious to me. However, considering the betrayal and the fact that my children still love her and miss her...I know I could not stay and be a witness to their ultimate betrayal to me. I know that sounds harsh and cold-hearted. I know that I would be breaking up our family but he chose that option first when he had a 2 year affair with her, then asked me for a divorce and then told me of the affair. In that order!

I commend you for being able to stay. I have already done the soul-searching and almost left this time. I know that if there is a next time, I am gone with my kids. It took every ounce of reserve and will power to not leave this time. If I had not seen such a dramatic change in his actions, I would be making preparations to file for divorce. This decision has only occurred over the last week. Up til then, I was 98% sure I was leaving. I had already made plans on where to live, when I was leaving, what I would take with me and prepared myself for the discussion with my boss to resign from my job. I was gone already and I had told him that. He sat me down and told me how he felt about me and that he wanted to do counseling...he wanted to do whatever it took to keep me. He even told me that if we divorced, he would move close to me to be near me and his kids. I am giving him this one chance to turn us around...

I am relieved that there is no child involved. I am positive if she had been able to conceive, oh she would have!!! For anyone to deliberately set out to seduce the husband of her best friend...I can't imagine what kind of person she really is!!! It blows my mind.

@lovemarriage - I think your thread was slightly hijacked regarding the lack of protection in the first place....lol I am so sorry!

@slwaite, no worries!!!

@clr, your OW is so freaking NASTY. Did your H have to get tested or anything as a result of this shit?? Can't you press charges for shit like that??? I tell you what, I live in a state where "allination of affection" is still enforced and I tell you what, if my marriage ends because of this A, she will be included in the process, KWIM? Fuck that shit!!

I am wife, who after 8 years in a marriage with problems, got pregnant from an affair. I kept the child and I am still with my H who is raising him as his own. It has been hard on him, but we try to focus on our marriage and repairing what went wrong and don't put the focus on the actual child.

vacationbaby, your H is a good man.

lovemarriage, yes she is Nasty. He got tested for all of the regular crap, just like me.

As embarrassing as this is, I am only stating this on a website because there are things that can come up that all doctors do not classify as STD's. I think people should know this stuff. There was someone on the inf group who was talking about how she had contracted a bacterial infection while pregnant and the complications from that caused her to lose her baby. Her H had been screwing around with someone else at the time and the OW got pregnant too and that baby survived. I couldn't help but wonder if the infection that poor woman had was similar to mine.

So here goes. All women have bacteria in their system, but usually it is all in balance. A common problem for women who have multiple partners is the bacteria not staying in balance and the bad bacteria taking over. It is not always classified as an STD because it can happen to women due to illness, changing eating habits, stress, etc. But most often it is attributed to multiple partners. The infection is called BV and it is transferrable through sex and that is why many doctors and most internet sites refer to it as an STD.

The first time I ever had to go to the doc for issues down there was 3 weeks after he started the affair. That is when the phys asst was quizzing me about my H's ability to stray. After much insistence on my part that there was no way that could be happening, she chalked it up to a yeast infection and treated it that way. At least that is what she told me it was, but she gave me an oral antibiotic along with the other, so for all I know she told me what I needed to hear, but treated me for the other. I had a re-occurence within a week or two of finishing medication (he had been with her again) and the phys asst gave me a refill.

I was good for a few months, but then problems again (he had started up with her again). This time I went to my OB-GYN. She said it was BV and prescribed medication. I took it again. Thought it was cleared up, but then it wasn't. Had to go back and get new prescription.

At this point I was horrified, still stupid because I didn't ever suspect he was the issue, and I was a wreck. My OB was great and said that sometimes it is hard to get over. I was good again for a few months and then it was back again. Back to the doc and more medication.

Within a few weeks of that I found out about the affair. A few weeks after that it was back. I then had to go into my OB and tell her what my H had been up to. She ran all the other tests on me and said my H should get tested too. He didn't want to and said he knew that the OW didn't have any major diseases, so he didn't.

Two months after d-day he moved out to live with her. During that two months he was visiting me and the kids and I suppose I was essentially the OW. He was having sex with me and she had no clue. But in order for him to have sex with me, he had to wear a condom. I wouldn't let him touch me without it. Two months after that he was home with me and I still made him wear a condom for several months and he didn't complain once.

When I finally felt safe enough with him and thought the OW was no longer an issue we began having sex without the condom. Things were fine for months, until she transferred to the new office that he transferred to and then went out of town with him (whole nuther f-cked up story). Within in a few weeks of that business trip, my issues were back. I went to my OB, got the confirmation that it was back and emailed him at work because I couldn't even speak on the phone at that point.

I told him that I had been to the OB because I was having problems again. I needed to know if he had been with her because if that wasn't it then I was going to need to go through a lot of testing to determine what is wrong with me. He sent me a response and admitted to being with her on that trip. That is how I found out that NC had been broken.

So for about a year after that, as we have gone back and forth through hell and back, he had to wear a condom with me. I didn't trust him enough and I had to protect me. It wasn't until we moved into the house we rebuilt after the fire last fall that I let him have sex with me without the condom. So far no issues, but then he recently told me that she was diagnosed with HPV, so back to the OB I went. Now my OB is keeping an eye on me for fear of cervical cancer. I have breast cancer and cervical cancer in my family so this makes it worse.

One of the most frustrating things about it was that my H's doctor (a man) said that BV is not an STD. He said he could test my H for it, but it was painful testing that really wasn't necessary because it is a female issue. Then he sent home a packet of info for me about it and how women are the ones who get treated for it. I was absolutely pissed because I had read on the internet that men can get it and pass it to other women. I had also read that men can get tested for it and can take an antibiotic for it. So I printed off all of my info for my H and then also sent a packet of info to his doctor's office with a letter explaining my frustration. In the end his doc still thinks that it isn't a male issue and my H was never tested for it.

I don't know what the deal is or why I kept getting it. All I know is that when looking back at times that I did get it, it was times that he was active with her. That cannot be a coincidence and my OB doesn't think it is. I think my H now knows it had something to do with her, but he thinks it is just my body rejecting her, go figure! Not that he was with me right after being with her, but I guess that even with a shower there is no removing her from him, Yuck!


So for those who think that their affair partner is clean and clear and is no risk to them or their spouse think again. Because even if I choose to believe that my H's OW is clean, him being with her and then being with me caused me problems. Just him being with another woman caused me physical pain, embarrassment, humiliation, and mental stress. As I wondered what was wrong with me I felt like I was dirty and damaged goods, I was constantly crying thinking that my H would want nothing to do with me. I felt bad that I was always on this medicine and couldn't have sex with him for weeks at a time. It was awful!

I am living proof that the condom is important for more than just preventing pregnancy. There is all kinds of stuff out there and it transfers from one to the other.

During their one night and morning together doing almost everything imaginable, my wife asked to made sure that he had been snipped. He said no. Ha, she thought he would marry her when our kids moved out, this was the second sign she was a whore to him (the first was when he did not reach for the dinner check to pay).

So she did the morning after pill. Had she gotten pregnant she probably would have gotten an abortion since she would have found out he had in fact no long term plans with her. His goal was to fuck her and that was it.

Had she gotten pregnant and had the moral conviction to not get an abortion, I would have left and told her to go be with her fantasy man. I could not raise a child produced from a scum bag like the OM.

I've already thought of that first thing. I would have had the last laugh in that one considering he lied to me right from the beginning, even though i busted him with my own eyes (he still can't tell me the truth). And no, they did not use protection! He got hell over that! I was not impressed!

I'm fairly new to DS and just found your post so I thought I'd respond. My H's A did result in a child- he still swears that they always used a condom but it broke once- shortly after that happened is when he broke it off with her. He says she never notified him that she was pg. A year later we get court ordered papers in the mail accusing him of being the father of her child- sure enough, he is. What a hell I have found myself in- the only peace I have is my faith that this is God's plan and he will see me through it.

I don't like hypothetical questions that much, because I never really know what I could or couldn't live with. Right now I would say, no way could I stay if he made a baby with OW or if he brought home some kind of STD. H says that they used a condom every time, and for a while at the beginning she was just giving him oral in the parking lot where they played poker together. But, she is older than us and could easily have her tubes tied, so it's possible that they may not have used one every time like he said. Unless there was a child conceived or an STD brought home, we'll never really know, only the CS and AP really know the entire story.

If you had asked me 4 months ago if I could stay if my H cheated, I probably would have said HELL NO! But, here I am 4 months past DDay and we're still together. I haven't committed to a reconcilliation, but also haven't kicked him out. I'm still on the fence.