After my H's affair 8 years ago it took a long time but I got there. I completely and totally trusted him again, never even thought of checking up on him. It probably took about two years but I got there. Sadly though I am here again, so I am not sure I will ever get to that place again.

its not been very long for me, so i don't know what to expect. My H is very loving and affectionate again, and things have been getting better and better for us. But i know what you mean. I still have constant anxiety and insecurity about us. Constantly looking for the next sign that its happening again. Just taking it minute by minute and trying to be thankful for the good days. Hang in there.

The D-Day is rather fresh for me... just over a month give or take a lil since it took so long for the truth to come out. If that is the truth?! Trust is a word I use losely with my BF. I gave him trust when we met. He proved untrustworthy so I'm not sure how long it will take for me to trust again. I just think about all the time that elapsed and what he did behind my back and I never once suspected he would cheat on me. Not one time. So I live my life day to day and am anxious about things. I can say that for the past week or so I've been cold. I feel nothing for him so I think in my head I could care less what he does. I feel like the shell of a person I once was.

Hurt37, after 8 years you are here again. Why? Has there been a second incident, or stress from the past cheating?

needhelp, my H suffers from severe depression, possibly bi-polar, but I though after the first affair it would never hapen again. He IS a good man with a good heart, hard to believe I know but I know him to the core, been together 23 years now since we were kids. He had his 2nd affair last year 2 months after stopping his antidepressent meds cold turkey.

I am not saying it is Ok what he did because of the depression or in any way that is an excuse. I do believe 8 years ago we swept in under the rug, blammed the depression and moved on. He started his meds and was back to the man I loved and we were closer than ever. We didnt want to discuss the affar and ruin the hapiness we had found again...BUT here we are again. We have been seperated for a year but do see and talk daily. We have children and work together and are best friends above all so it is very hard for me to walk away.

When I promised in sickness and health I ment it. He hit rock bottom, I was terrified for his life so I decided to not make any decisions until his depression was under control first. After some time I was able to convince him to see the Dr. but he put him back on the same meds that he stopped. I figured one step at a time. I have since gotten hm back to the dr. and they switched his meds so I am hopeful he can get back on track. Then we need to decide what is next for us. I have not given up hope but do not know if I am strong enough to start over AGAIN. But I know in my heart if we decide to divorce I will have tried my best. I could never have forgiven myself if I walked away when he was so unstable. In the end He will always be my best friend and father to my kids so I need to put that ahead of all others.

hurt37,
I am so impressed here by what you have written. You must be a very compassionate person to see past your own hurt and disappointment and help your husband...also a very strong person. Your H is lucky to have someone like you in his life.

Hurt37, I agree with xebi, you are very compassionate.
However, my H doesn't have a medical condition, he just wanted attention and found it with a so called friend that I was trying to take care of emotionally, so I feel double betrayed.
I still think, 'why stay with such a weak man?' Unfortunately, we have a long history together and 3 children, and I don't want to rip that apart.
I fear giving H that kind of trust ever again which is SAD, but I've seen to many stories on DS where the cs has done it more than once.

you are a really strong person to be able to stay even though he has hurt you so much. i hope that life brings you happiness

For me, and I don't know for sure, but I think that if it were to happen again (heavan forbid) I'd have to think of my physical and emotional well-being. I have sacrificed so much of that already. There's not much left of me, ya know? I'm not saying this in a bragging way---trust me. I'm speaking honestly about something I do think about--more than I'd like to.... Honestly---I think this whole A has shorten my lifespan as it is. I'm afraid that trying to accept another instance would be a death sentence for me...

I do admire you and your compassion. It seems almost super-human to me. I know it's not, but that's what it seems like to me.

Some of the trust has returned, but it will never be the same and that is a good thing in my mind. I should never have trusted my H the way that I did because if I hadn't, I don't think the affair would have happened. I just made it too easy for him, but I thought he was different. I didn't think he was like most men and I certainly didn't think he was like men who cheat. The affair showed me that I was wrong. I wish he wasn't and I wish he was the man I thought that he was, but it is what it is and I have learned to live with it. At least I am not living in a world of illusion anymore. I don't check his phone or look at his computer like I did right after the affair, but the antennae I never knew I had before the affair will always be ready to go up if I sense something may be going on.

Now I trust myself more than ever. I trust my instincts and my intuition.

Lovemarriage, I agree with you. I think this has shortened my lifespan too..or if not that, I feel that I have aged 3 years for every one year since D-day. I felt like he sucked all the life out of me. Hurt37, you are VERY strong. I also hope that your H knows that and that HE is a lucky man. You could easily walk away and let him fight his own demons. I would hope that he would be as compassionate with you if the situation were reversed.

luv4ever - I feel exactly the same way about my H! I never in a million years would have thought my H was capable of doing what he did. It was such a shock. It's been 11 months since d-day and I still check his phone, emails, etc. The only time we are apart anymore is for work and even then he checks in with me frequently. He is doing everything in the world to make it up to me and to gain back my trust. I don't know when i will ever be able to fully trust him again, maybe never.

My h and I had a discussion last week about I realized that he could leave me and take all our money if he really wanted. He of course came back that he was never leaving. I told him the one thing I learned from this is nothing is certain. What I thought was safe is not. This has been a source of anxiety for me and I was trying to get a handle on it. I came up with a strategy every time Ithink like this I ask myself so what would I do. I would survive that's what would happen. I would be OK. These messages I tell myself have helped med deal with the anxiety because I know I WOULD be OK. We are 17 months from dday and I don't know if I will ever trust him 100% again but I know if he does this again I will leave and be OK

luv I dont know where you got that most men cheat. In my mind it is the other way around. I cant seem to start the trust enough to turn my head. This has devastated me and like love, if she were to even start to look as though she is, I believe it would be enough to end everything for me. I have done more than any man should be made to do, hurt more than anyone should be made to hurt, and we are still not even close enough for me to even call a couple. i know this has been since the 25th of dec since she has been back, but to me, I would have poured everything I had into salvaging this but I feel i am pulling hens teeth to just get past 1st base so to speak

We are 8 months into rebuilding our marriage. I'm so scared to trust him again. I feel somedays that if I let down my guard I could be hurt again. As long as I keep the walls up, nobody can hurt me. My husband is trying really hard to rebuild this relationship. Somedays I feel so confused on this issue. I have backed off on double checking his every move though. We talk alot about "personal responsibility". He has to want to do the right things and make good choices in his life. I'm really trying to work on myself. Get myself into a healthy place emotionally. Maybe then I can let down my guard. I always trusted my husband, so this A hit me blindsided.