Hello everyone, there are times that I feel like an outsider looking in. I have had ADD and Bipolar all of my life but was not diagnosed until June of last year. About three years ago, I was diagnosed with severe depression disorder. There are times that I am extremely confused because I want to be "Normal" if there is such a terminology. I want to have a good paying job, be a successful mom, have my whole house in order, children are listening to me, keeping their room clean, assisting with the cooking, and most of all being able to go on family vacations at least once a year. My oldest son is graduating high school and will be leaving to Fort Jackson June 2nd of this year. My second son seems to have characteristics of some sort of mental disorder. When we get into arguments it is nothing nice, and at times I just wish that I could talk to my children in a way that they would be able to respond gently to them and they can respond back witout the shouting match.

I feel like my house is out of order right now and there are times that I am so frustrated that I just want to run away but do not know where to go. Sometimes I feel trapped in a closet because I am a fragile heart who just wish that more good things would happen instead of bad. I go to church and have been attending faithfully for the last three months. It kind of helps because of my beliefs in God. But there are other times when I just wish that I would of just stayed home and not pick up on the people's vibe. I am so sensitive and fragile that often I have more crying times than happy times. It would be nice to have my own job because I could spend what I choose without penalty or having to hear the words "we have to pay this bill or that". Being 35 going on 36 in November, I am looking to be someone successful and want more out of life than just living in the projects. I don't mind it, but there are times I sit outside and imagine what it would be like to own my own home with beautiful rose gardens and fruits and vegetables that would be all natural. That has always been my childhood dream to own my home, have a good vehicle maybe a chauffer to drive me around where I want to go since I can't drive.

If anyone can relate to the way that I feel, and the desires that I have, I would love to get inputs and ideas that would help me become a better person, get more organized, and be the successful independent woman that I have always longed to be. Right now I feel like I have failed in some parts of my educational life. I am currently attending two schools. Kaplan University and Penn Foster College. The reason I ended up in two schools was because I thought that I was getting kicked out of Kaplan so I decided to go to Penn Foster because I can work at my own pace.

I am sorry that I am long winded I just wanted to get all this out so that maybe someone else can let me know what it is like in their area and give me ideas on how to organize. Thank you all in advance.

Tootie