I'm not gonna panic right now because I am pretty sure periods are pretty screwy after delivering. But I should have started my 2nd period by now. I will take a test tomorrow after group therapy (i tried to kill myself) and see what the stick says. I am anxious and excited at the same time. I'm still in mommy mode and want my baby but since I don'h have him I want another. Definitely will not replace my lil angel because there is only one Elijah James Barker. He was so precious and I miss him so much. He was my lil Christmas baby. I feel empty, there is a big hole in my heart right now. And it will always be there. And I dont know if I should be even trying to fill another part of my heart with another baby. But it feels right. I'm supposed to be a mommy. Quentin (from another marriage) is supposed to have a lil brother and Josh is supposed to be bouncing Elijah, his first child, on his knees and blowing raspberries on his tummy. I'm supposed to be breastfeeding him and telling him about how he has his daddy's eyes, nose, and big head. But instead I am sitting here with achy arms, looking at his pics, missing him. A total mess now that he is gone. And should I be even trying since i am not emotionally stable. Sorry this is all over the place but I'm sure you guys understand being all over the place two months after having your heart ripped out. Just here letting this out. It makes me feel a little better.